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i've had a lot of trauma in my life, bodily, emotionally, and the two at the same time. most of it is body trauma that of course has emotional trauma directly related to it. i've had 11 surgeries before, and each one is exponentially harder on my mind than the last.
the first eight were on my eyes for acute strabismus, and on the eighth (age 15) i ended up not being completely unconscious for the first twenty minutes. that's more common than people think with surgeries on children, since too much anesthetic can kill a child very easily. it's better to do too little than be sued for malpractice.
my ninth surgery was at age 16, to remove a ruptured testicle from a violent encounter with a group of people who didn't like me. later that year i had my ninth and final eye surgery. it was relatively uneventful.
the last two were separate surgeries to remove shrapnel from a single welding accident.
i'm 21 now, and as i go through EMDR therapy for PTSD, everything is coming back very vividly and painfully. it's 3 am right now, and i'm awake because i have come to dread sleep. every dream is a mundane, hazy vision of being in a hospital bed. the room is well lit, as hospitals are, there are no windows, and always one or two people semi-visible in my peripheral vision. i can move, but not with any meaningful control over myself, and never enough to get up or get the attention of the passing figures.
it's been four weeks, and every night it's the same dream. does anyone here have any advice to give me? i can't stop the therapy but i really can't continue dreaming like this. it's never restful and i just want everything to stop.
Man, this is realy rough. I'm sorry to hear about all your pain.
It seems like this is asked alot, but do you ever smoke weed? I don't know how to induce good dreams but a strong indica induces good sleep.
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OP here, new nightmare. First one in a while that isn't hospital related.
It felt like at least five hours. I was submerged in murky water, surrounded by two kinds of particles from what I perceived as two separate sources. There were clumps of short, rough hair, and globs of embalming fluid from a taxidermied, long dead primate that struck me as more of a statue than a corpse. The other particles were wing membranes and carapace fragments from large patches of dead, floating beetles. I wasn’t drowning, but to stay alive I had to keep absolutely still and keep the water, and its debris, flowing into my mouth and out of some sort of filter on my back. Clean water exited there, and the debris stayed in me. I woke up covered in a lot more sweat than usual, and felt like I was wrapped in something tight for a very long time. I looked at my phone and only two hours passed. I went into the bathroom and threw up, because I had very bad heartburn from my GERD. I took my heartburn medicine and took a shower as I brushed my teeth vigorously.
How specifically fucked up is that?
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hey, OP back again
i remembered i made this post and never followed up on it.
i still have a lot of the same problems, but i'm dealing with it all a lot better. my anxiety is much more manageable, my dreams are a lot better, and i'm nowhere near as traumatized by my past as i was. i found someone who i love a lot and it's helped me immensely, and i've made a routine for myself that includes a better diet and lots of exercise.
life is mostly really shit, but it has those great periods that makes it worth it. to anyone else here with similar problems, it'll get better as long as you make sure not to make it too much worse yourself.
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>>453> i found someone who i love a lot and it's helped me immensely, and i've made a routine for myself that includes a better diet and lots of exercise.
Please please PLEASE use this opportunity to grow your own happiness independent of that person. Don't lean on it like a crutch and let your independence be taken from you.
Remember that love is most meaningful and fruitful when it's a conscious and rational decision between two emotionally independent individuals - if it's used like a drug to keep two people together, it's selling itself short of its real potential.
Good luck anon, and I'm happy you found someone worthwhile.
Oh, I'm well aware. Looking at my relationship history, I can't help but only get romantically involved with someone after I've come to terms with the idea of their premature death. It sounds cynical, but the love here is so strong that it could very well destroy me even without her premature death, so I need to make sure I'm in a state where I can be there for others most of the time.
It's crazy, I've regained the fear of my own death because of her. I feel a reason to not die. It's incredible.
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I still have dreams that I'm back in school, and it's usually miserable because school itself was miserable for me. However as of late my dreams have mostly taken different directions, being somehow video-game influenced or just straight up random or nonsensical.
For OP, if you're still having hospital dreams or dreams you don't like, maybe you could put some effort into learning to lucid dream? I've heard the control can be a great way to overcome fears and traumas, if only because when you face them head-on in a dream they tend to morph into something pleasant. I have yet to experience one yet, unfortunately, but once I do I plan on making some DC posts about it.>>453>>465
Good to hear you're doing better, man. You've had it really rough, when I hear stories from guys like you it makes me realize how easy I've had it.
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Glad to hear you're better OP.
Best of luck to you.