I've always wanted to be brave and self-reliant. I was raised by an overbearing and dominant grand-mother, my mom wasn't very mature (and still isn't). She was a single mom, my father took charge of it. I never had a strong fatherly figure, so I grew up as a guy with a very weak will, low determination, always relying in others to get things done, and this also made me a very lazy guy.
Since I was young, I also liked girls. Ironically, I was more confident with them, but all changed when my mom changed me from one school to another. I was bullied at the new school, so I became very insecure and avoidant when socializing. I became bitter and agresive, so I secluded myself from others, but I was actually scared of being judged.
I'm 25 yrs old, and I never had any job until the past month. I was hired to be a cashier, and was in a test period. I didn't made it through, as I was too scared sometimes and I made some serious fuck-ups. I'm still a virgin, as I keep avoiding women.
I tend to daydream a lot when I feel frustrated, scared, or sad. In my real life, I'm just a man scared of living his life, never willing to step out of his comfort zone. But in my imagination, I'm an hypermasculine guy, with no fear of anything. I'm a badass detective fighting perps on a cargo ship in a stomy night. I'm a soldier with true grit, defeating terrorists and enemies. I'm strong, invincible, and confident. And, while I know I can't be that kind of badass, I want to be a guy that most people can respect and like. My cousin is a college football player. He's awesome, but I've never told him. He has tons of friends, he has tons of girls, and physically he isn't some kind of 9/10 guy. He has no kind of social fears or limitations. I wish I was like that. Yet I feel like I'm doomed to be like this forever. But one part of me wants to keep the fight until the end. One part of me wants to believe that, deep inside me, I have more courage than I think.