No. 316 [Reply]
i've had a lot of trauma in my life, bodily, emotionally, and the two at the same time. most of it is body trauma that of course has emotional trauma directly related to it. i've had 11 surgeries before, and each one is exponentially harder on my mind than the last. 13 posts and 6 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.
the first eight were on my eyes for acute strabismus, and on the eighth (age 15) i ended up not being completely unconscious for the first twenty minutes. that's more common than people think with surgeries on children, since too much anesthetic can kill a child very easily. it's better to do too little than be sued for malpractice.
my ninth surgery was at age 16, to remove a ruptured testicle from a violent encounter with a group of people who didn't like me. later that year i had my ninth and final eye surgery. it was relatively uneventful.
the last two were separate surgeries to remove shrapnel from a single welding accident.
i'm 21 now, and as i go through EMDR therapy for PTSD, everything is coming back very vividly and painfully. it's 3 am right now, and i'm awake because i have come to dread sleep. every dream is a mundane, hazy vision of being in a hospital bed. the room is well lit, as hospitals are, there are no windows, and always one or two people semi-visible in my peripheral vision. i can move, but not with any meaningful control over myself, and never enough to get up or get the attention of the passing figures.
it's been four weeks, and every night it's the same dream. does anyone here have any advice to give me? i can't stop the therapy but i really can't continue dreaming like this. it's never restful and i just want everything to stop.
I have not. I made a visit to her home city, quite a ways from my state. I met her parents! I've seen her for the first time, made love for the first time in my life, and even almost four months later, this love has not only persisted, but grown. She's visiting around Christmas to meet my parents, and our love has only grown since then!
My dreams are better. They're the same as they were, but I had the best reasons to discard their memory and enjoy my waking life. Sleep is now only a tool; a painful injection of the necessary rest for my mind.
Sometimes I dream of her. I've been realizing that she isn't the dream, only my further torture and mutilation is. These things can happen again, and it'll all be ok because she's here with me.
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OP here. I tapered off of all of my medication several months ago, and my dreams improved, though my depression and anxiety got much, much worse. I've taken time off from work to focus on therapy, proper medication and such. I found an antidepressant that's been working very well, as well as something for anxiety that doesn't make my dreams so horrifying. My girlfriend is visiting again in a week, and we've grown a lot together. She's had similar problems, and we've helped each other quite a bit… It's so, so nice to feel loved. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
I think about this place surprisingly often. Posting my dreams here has been incredibly cathartic. I posted one of my more recent dreams a while ago, if any of you are interested >>550