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Deeds is not the right place for that,
It's like writing down a list of things you like but instead you fill it with stuff you hate.
ill stop tainting it with my bitterness
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I don't feel right, I've been depressed, and every day I feel more sadder and sadder, I see myself as a failure, Things have not worked out for me in the last few years, but I think I maybe deserve it. I don't want to look sad to people, but everyday I wish I was dead, I don't say it, and I don't act like it, but that's it. Life has been a spiral for me, always from bad to worse.
I have a few friends, but lately I barely talk to them, they only come to see me because they know I always lend them my things and do them favors, I feel quite underestimate by them they do not even ask permission to take my things , And when they get bored they leave, They make fun of me and everything I like. I know I'm probably not the best friend, but it's has been hitting me lately.
On the bright side there is a chance to things to improve in the next months, but I'm not sure if it will happen, and I'm starting to doubt it, Things that have happened recently have made me aware that it could always be worse so I'm a little grateful.
Anyway, that's my blog, I really don't expect people to care about it, but it feels good to have written it.
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For a second there I thought you were me. Though I've decided I don't want to be dead, and can usually manage being content, times like now I face a dilemma. Irredeemable sorrow that can only be deferred with sleep, yet I endure it because I dread tomorrow. Happened before and will happen again, it's a terrible feeling.
I do hope that that chance works out for you. Also, this might be a long shot, but perhaps there is someone else like you putting up with those same friends? Could be possible to meet a good friend through a not so good one.
or something like that
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I know I feel sad but I don't like thinking about the reasons why I feel sad. I've had "depression" for so long that I don't know who I am without it. If I have a period where I'm feeling better, I find myself almost wishing I was back to being sad, even though that's stupid and I feel guilty for thinking that way. I guess it's comfy in a way, it's almost addictive. I find myself shutting myself off from the world even though I know I should be making efforts to go outside, I listen to a lot of sad and darker music, it's like my whole life revolves around feeling bad. I don't understand why I'm like this, it's not like I enjoy feeling bad, when it's bad it really sucks like really really sucks, like torture. But I can't change.
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I never have many friends. Usually only 1 or 2, and since I don't have any other friends, I hang around them all the time. Every time I make friends, I start worrying that they don't really like me and that I'm just a bother to them, to the point that it becomes a constant source of stress whenever I'm around them and I eventually stop talking to them. Then I move on to a new friend and start over because I'm afraid to talk to them again. I'm sure that some of them don't actually hate me, but I'm too nervous to message them again right out of the blue.
It's gotten to the point that I have this mindset that it's just natural that I wouldn't have any friends, or that I don't deserve to have friends, and I often find myself thinking "Wow, I wish I had friends" and stuff like that even though I actually do have one, and feeling really guilty about it because I feel like I'm insulting him. I know I'm just being dumb and overthinking things, but social stuff makes me really nervous, and my first instinct is to think that everyone hates me. I'm worried that I'm going to drift away from my current friend and go back to being alone.
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I was so close to having a gf. She was even more emotionally fucked up than I was, and I think she split off from me thinking that she was being abusive toward me, and I think I was feeling like I was the one who was the problem.
The only real issue she has (aside from the many many other ones such as smoking cigarettes/pot, having an explosive temper, being a diagnosed schizophrenic, etc.) is that she has never had a space where she could express her feelings constructively. I feel like every other problem in her life stems from that.
I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter - she said she was feeling worthless, like she "Didn't belong here." that she "should be hated by everyone." etc., and I sperged the fuck out thinking I was going to lose her. So what did I do? I basically threatened her by saying I was going to drive over to her house and honk my horn until she came out. She immediately went from sounding depressed to extremely angry, and I realized I was a fucking autist who *actually* is probably not meant to be with anyone, because I *ALWAYS* fuck things up with something like that.
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The sperg-out before that was when she was telling me she didn't like the shape of her boobs - I thought she was being super duper serious about it, but it was totally casual, and I overreacted that time, too. I realized only too late that I react so strongly to womens' body image issues because of a girl I was in puppy love with when I was an early teen. She had the scar sleeves all up both of her arms, but I remember her telling me that she was "trying to love herself" (same thing almost-gf said when I sperged out) and then she showed me the scars on her legs.
I swear to fucking god, those scars on her legs were the stuff of gore - half to 3/4ths of an inch thick scars going all the way across her thighs, like, a dozen of them - some pale and faded like her skin, others pink and very fresh. I knew she had been hospitalized for cutting before, but I hadn't realized that even just seeing what she did to herself was traumatizing for me. My memories come back to haunt me every fucking time I try to do something good. I fucking hate it.
It's not like it was just emotional, either - she said she loved me, she had gotten physical with me, soaked a pair of my pajama pants that she borrowed from me with her lady-juice, when she came over and had crawled into bed with me once, etc. She just completely shut herself out whenever I got testy about her doing something wrong. I wish I could have told her that pulling her close to me would be worth it, even if it I had to pull a spike through my body along with her - I am dead anyway, and pain is always there. I just wanted to feel good for a while. I have worked so hard for so long, yet I still deserve nothing, and receive as much.
>>227>I wouldn't say your reactions are spergy if you've had a legitimately traumatizing experience like that in the past
100% legitimately have had many traumatizing experiences in the past. Being molested, older protective sister dying when we were young, parents being insane, etc.
It's like if you've never had stability in your life, the universe makes you work so fucking hard for every tiny morsel of normalcy. It hurts so bad sometimes, and what's even worse, is that I feel like unless I meet someone who understands this because of personal experience, then I will never be able to be close to them. I'm attracted to damaged people because I feel like they'll know what it feels like, and we'll know what the other is looking for, emotionally - not just a fuck buddy, like, a real bond.
>, It can be very hard to tell if someone really just wants some space or if they secretly just want you to keep chasing them
This was very helpful to hear, I really didn't know she had made up her mind like that and I was only trying to help, even if it was in a really stupid way. I still didn't think about it in context, because yeah, that is harassment, and they would be right to call the police on me if I did something like that.
It makes me think of that saying "Love makes people do stupid things." but I feel like in my case it's more of a desperate obsession than something pure, so it was still my wrong, even if it is understandable.
Yeah dude, what >>229
I know this is hard and I'm sure you cared about her, but I've been there and done that, trying to love someone like her just ends up hurting you and never really gets any better, at least in my experience.
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Yeah, it makes a lot of sense when you put it that way…I guess I was just dreaming of helping her get out of her kind of unstable situation, which has been created through no fault of her own.
She's definitely not a bad person, just has never had anyone around her truly consider her feelings - meaning, no emotionally healthy people around her to look to for guidance, or even just imitation. Mom was a violently abusive alcoholic who died when she was 8. Her dad drinks now, but he couldn't provide enough stability for her to live with him, so she would float around alot. It's so sad. She was starting to become more girly and self-expressive in an attempt to get away from her past, and I would day dream of us helping each other make a new life. I suppose it is better to leave the dream untouched, than to try and forcefully build it halfway, only to see it fall apart. If it were meant to happen, I suppose it would have.>>231
I think at least in this case, I learned something about myself which will help me in the future. A lot of effort to go to for one small step towards emotionally healthy relationships, but I guess if we start off with setbacks, we can only work harder or give up. >>229>>231>>230
Thank you for the support guys, this one was pretty tough. In the end, gf or not, I guess all we can do is try to move forward.
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My life is shit. Pure shit. I have so many issues I need to work on. I want to get therapy but I'm so terribly afraid to even make a phone call to schedule an appointment. Also too afraid to ask my parents for help even though I know they would be supportive. someone save me please. I'm gonna die if I don't change but I don't want to die.
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You said it, if you really want to live you have to change your ways, try to do the first step, it may be very hard at first so take your time but try to do it.
“It's bitter,” Rakka protests. Reki smiles. “That's because it's medicine.”
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I had to text my mom about it otherwise i would have never got help. I even had to make it sound like I wanted to go for anger management (something she could sort of understand) but told my counselor everything as soon as we were 1 on 1. It can be surprisingly easy to talk to a stranger about your problems, too, I think because it doesn't carry the same emotional baggage as would telling someone you know well. I hope that helps
Thanks for your responses lads. I just mentioned it to my mom, I get a bunch of free sessions under my Dad's job insurance plan whatever thing, but now that's another phonecall I need to make T_T. I'm gonna do it today though, I can't stand to live this life of cowardice any longer.>>237
So if you didn't go for anger management, what did you go for? Did you find it helpful at all?
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I talked a bit with my Father and he gave me money.
It's for paying my loan.
And buy some college stuff.
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I couldn't muster the courage to make the phone calls myself. I told my mom and she did it for me, how humiliating.
I feel fucking pathetic, but at least the wheels are in motion now.
It's okay man, at least the phone calls were made.
Don't worry too much I admit I have done it sometimes too.
You know what? When we need help, but don't ask for it, it's because we are too scared to ask for help. That's where I'm at right now. You are more brave than me, for what it's worth.
It's weird, I don't know why I was scared either.
I think a large part of it is something that a lot of us guys struggle with: admitting weakness and vulnerability.
There's probably a lot more than just that but that's the only reason I could think of for me aside from my anxiety.
I've been having the same thoughts. On one hand, it seems different to me, because I have absolutely no qualms saying "Fuck no, I can't lift that heavy object" or "Dude, I'm gonna take a break, I'm beat." but now when it comes to emotions, there's a sense that I'm just complaining/whining about nothing. I guess it might be because it's one thing to say "I'm weak" and another to say, "I'm weak, and I need some help."
In any case, how has your experience been so far, if you've started your visits already?
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I don't think I'm capable of love. I feel like a reptile, in that I'm capable of being 'fond' of someone, but I don't feel anything more than that.
X is head over heels in love with me, but I can't bring myself to feel the same way in return. I'm okay with treating our relationship as a business partnership, but X isn't a cold reptile like I am. X needs emotional and physical fulfillment. Something I can't provide.
I have no feelings of love to give. I have no sex drive. We share similar interests, and that's the only thing that keeps us together. I rejected meeting with X today, since this feeling of dread and guilt has become too much to bear. I need my alone time like I need oxygen, but X doesn't seem to understand.
Maybe I'm being cruel in prolonging this? I have been thinking about killing myself a lot lately, not that I'm depressed, just that everything has become such a hassle lately. Apathy and detachment are my entire identity.
Life inside imagination land is infinitely more fulfilling than real life at this point.
Any other schizoids in here?
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There's this girl I've been thinking about asking out, a few days ago I had a perfect chance but I couldn't bring myself to do it, every part of me felt like it was screaming "nononono". I feel like I don't have my depression under control enough to get into a relationship, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about this girl. Part of me really wants to do it anyways for a few reasons. We've got a few mutual interests (one of which being my favorite games of all time), she seemed kinda(?) interested in me, I've been pretty happy with my looks recently, and it's been months since I've felt genuinely interested in someone. she's also really cute
During the day while I'm in class, I'm constantly fighting off feelings that nothing matters and that I should just give up. I know that's not true, and there are things in life that matter, I'm just having trouble coming up with concrete reasons and ideas as to why I should keep going.
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I've been losing interest in my hobbies as well. I've never been great at staying consistent with my guitar practice, but today when I was trying to practice I had to stop halfway through because I just felt awful.
Then there's the fact that I haven't been able to find a new friend group (aside from my flatmates) since I broke up with my old one. I know where I should start looking for a new one, but I can't summon the motivation to do it.
I don't feel like I'm completely hopeless, there are glimmers of happiness occasionally, and I've been really enjoying reading books lately. Even so I can't help but feel like I'm not ready to date again. I've flipped between "I shouldn't ask her out" and "I will definitely ask her out" at least 3 times now.I don't feel like I've come any closer on making a decision but I feel a bit better now that I've written all this out.
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That sounds difficult fam, I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I have heard from an expert that being in an intimate relationship helps with depression. Now I certainly don't fully understand the complexity of your situation, but I think you should ask her out.
>During the day while I'm in class, I'm constantly fighting off feelings that nothing matters and that I should just give up. I know that's not true, and there are things in life that matter, I'm just having trouble coming up with concrete reasons and ideas as to why I should keep going.
Nothing matters but you. It's up to you to find your own meanings and truths. Ask this girl out, she might help you bring meaning to the world.>>258
My friend, I know that feel all too well. When you have nothing and you live day by day in front of a computer screen just wasting away. There is no joy, only meaningless escapism to keep you distracted from the failures of your life. It's a horrible way to live and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I still have a long way to go to climb out of this hell but I've made a lot of progress, the things that helped me the most are to: get plenty of sleep, drink plenty of water, stop eating garbage (cut out sugar completely), and start working out. If you do all these things I guarantee you will feel 9001% better and you can upward spiral yourself into finding a rad hobby to replace mindless chanbrowsing with or to improve other aspects of your life and make friends etc. The hardest part is breaking the bad habits you've developed over the years, so start small. I'd recommend fix your sleeping schedule and working out first. Maybe try to find a job if you don't have one now, even a shitty job will help, look at it as an opportunity to strengthen yourself.
The politics over the past couple of years was adversely affecting my mood.
Last year I made a change: Use the internet for fun
No more social media, only non vitriolic 4chan boards (toy, f, out, ck), and vidya
In that area at least it has helped
no /an/ ? wow
but you make a good point about having fun.
a buddy of mine used to tell me he'd do something similar but with music. you can really brainwash yourself with music to better your mood or just to keep you on track.
At least once a week I have thoughts about what would happen if I died. What people would say about me, how they would feel, etc. It's really unpleasant and I don't want to die. I occasionally have unwanted thoughts about other death related stuff but never directly about killing myself. I don't know what frequency/intensity of these sorts of thoughts warrants talking to someone (I already talk to a shrink, I'm just worried that if I mention it, he'll advise me to drop out of college). The prospect of talking to someone close to me about it terrifies me for some reason, I don't know why I'm so afraid of asking for help.
I have friends, but I pretty much never see them and I think it's having a big effect on my mood. I need to make new friends. I made a few acquaintances at clubs that I think I like, but I'm not sure how to transition into hanging out with them regularly. I think I just need to ask them to get food sometimes? I just need to get over my irrational fear that they're just pretending to enjoy my company.
Sometimes I feel functional enough to ask someone out on a date, but then some tiny thing will derail my emotional state and I'll be sent back to square one, where I tell myself I'm too depressed for a relationship. I've gone through this cycle a few times and it feels like I get a little bit closer each time, but the emotional whiplash is really draining. I know depression don't make you incapable of being in a relationship, I'm just not sure what constitutes feeling stable enough for one.
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update: I went out with some people from the club and had some pizza and some drinks. I think they enjoyed my company, even though I stuttered a bunch. my other problems haven't magically disappeared but things are a little less terrible.
polite sage for blogpost
I feel like I'm the cusp of something like a psychological molt.
I'm a grungry sort of dweeb with bad hygiene and a lot of anger issues. I don't dress or look like a normalfag, and that keeps people away from me, but I think I am starting to outgrow my social isolation, because I am starting to get really lonely. My thoughts are turning to ones about how understandable it is that people would not want to be around me, and then they turn to what I might do to change that, or at least die trying (half joking).
I have long hair and I wear a beard, I wear lots of black, ride a motorcycle, and wear band shirts. I'm thinking about throwing it all away and trying to start over. I just feel like the past is going to haunt me, and/or some distraction might prolong my complacence anyway.
I've been writing in my journal a lot lately. 5-6 pages a day maybe 5 days a week, and that's helping, but I duno, I still wish I had someone to talk to about it.
Very much thanks to anyone who read, whether you're going to respond or not.
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How do you deal with chronic ugliness? (and other things)
I'm ugly inside and out. My back and legs are covered with stretch marks. My jawline and chin are practically nonexistent. And I have a low sloping neanderthal forehead.
If that wasn't bad enough, I have no social skills and pretty bad anxiety. In recent years I've become resentful of everyone and everything. I hate everything. And I'm afraid of everything. I'm lonely but at the same time I don't want to make friends, I hate people. And I hate myself for being such a mess. I just want to be a decent person, I want a gf, a girl who I can love and live for and who will love me in return. But I realize no girl would want anything to do with me, why would she? I'm ugly inside and out.
Personally I'd go with physical health as a way to get out of that rut. It's not a lie that exercise makes you feel better. It just does. Like, just try doing some light exercise one time. You might end up exhausted, but you can then go home, shower, and sleep. You'd feel great when you woke up. Going to the gym every week would be a way to start feeling better.
Then extend your self improvement to other walks of life: reading, studying etc. Physical and growing mental health will already be enough to make you feel a lot better, and more socially interesting to others. Then you'll have the ugly on the inside problem down. And with exercise you'll be on your way to being at least normal on the outside (not everyone is super attractive, but you don't have to be). I'm sure that if you had a nice personality, there's bound to be some nice girl out there who would like you (maybe not a supermodel, but almost no-one gets that).
Finally, try to be more social in whatever area of life you can i.e. work or school to start making better relationships. If you go in hating people you aren't going to get anything out of socialising, and you definitely aren't going to meet anyone.
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I've realised that I'm the quintessential example of what a loser is. I'm also aware that the simple reality of that being the case itself determines the past, present and future.
It's all encompassing at every level and I'm past delusions of repair. I want to just vanish but some annoying part inside me is desperately clinging on the hope that I'll end up not meeting the same fate as all other losers despite already being on the one way road there.
I feel like I'm lost.
Back in high school I used to have a good idea of what I wanted to do; become a decent graphic designer. However, halfway into higher education for this I realized the job is too competitive and stressful for me.
On top of this, I also concluded I hated being male and that made me sad.
The carpet got pulled from underneath me.
I dropped out of higher education twice now because in all honesty I want to cut my dick off and I can't concentrate because every real girl around me makes me feel worthless and it's hard not to obsess over it.
Right now I'm a NEET and I don't want to be one. I want to do *something* with my life aside from transition and I'm even very motivated to do *anything*, even factory work if need be. But functioning as a normal person is difficult.
I take pills to aid me in transition, but at the same time these make me physically weaker, so I can't do simple physical labour jobs and get fatter easily because my muscles have been getting weaker. I've been rejected for a job 7 times now and counting and I just want out of this spiral of failure and do something again to fill my days.
I'm looking forward to one day living comfortably with a stable job and being seen as a woman by those I care about. But until then, I feel stuck in a dark hole where I'm an absolutely useless, weak, ugly faggot that has to practice his make up in secret because he's too ashamed of admitting it to his supportive family.
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I was actually tempted to post the same image as that but went with koe instead.
Truly we are of the same feather.
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Try to stop being ugly on the inside for starters.>>320
It's literally never too late, the only delusion is that you think you are beyond repair. You are very likely not even over 40, meaning you are still YOUNG, and have plenty of life left in you. Seriously, this breed of uberNEETs and young men who think they're inherently worthless for some reason are underestimating what the human is capable of.>>321
Please re-evaluate what your happiness means to you. It should be not be contingent on your perceived gender. I can't say much about employment because for all I know you live in Venezuela, but if you are consistent in applying and build a wealth of knowledge, social connections and motivation, opportunities will appear.
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I can't help but love debate and good discussion, but at the same time I hate speaking in a group. End result is I half get my point across while accidentally repeating myself a couple times, fighting to keep my voice from shaking and body from trembling, and I hate it. At the end of class the teacher said that it was good to hear me speak, and now I'm almost certain it was noticeable. Then later I actually had fun talking with a couple of classmates, up until we parted ways, when I started freaking out about whether I actually contributed anything or if they would have been better off if I didn't speak at all. I don't know what the correct interpretation is.
Why am I like this. I wish it would stop.
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im miserable for no good reason, i've been bottling it up for so many years it's gotten worse and wo rse and this year it's at it's peak. i've tried killing myself at least ten times this year alone. i failed every single one because im too much of a pussy to go through it all. today i almost just slit my wrists but i was too scared to do it so i just ended up cutting my thighs. i'm not happy, the girl i like doesn't like me in the same way i do, i'm awful at speaking i'm always using words such as "like" or "uh" to think of what im going to say, i talk too loud because i never learned to get an inside voice, i stutter, i make myself seem stupid, i have no talents, i have no hobbies, i have nothing to keep me distracted from my suffering other than drugs, i get high/drunk at least twice a week, i masturbate at least once everyday, i'm so lonely, i only have one friend, the girl i mentioned earlier, in reallife, she's moving to miami and i'll never see her again. literally just want to fucking end it already.
Yes, I'm flying into Kansai at night and will spend the next two days there, then will be in Kyoto for the next 5 days, then back to Osaka for another few. I'm hoping to hanami in Kyoto before it's too far past peak, though all the travel sites say peak ended 3 or 4 days ago :(>>333
Arigato Anon-kun. I will take you with me in my heart
and also take pictures and post some here when I'm back!
I'm excited for you! :)
Have fun and be safe anon <3
Might be a good idea for >>>/gf/
I cried today. I've gotten choked up over stuff in the past year, but tears wouldn't come. It wasn't full on bawling, but the tears that did come felt much better than the usual dull ache I feel when I'm down.
I was listening to a new artist I had found and was watching some of the music videos, this first one started making me ache a little bit, I spend lot of time in my room alone working on things, watching things. The walking around, stretching, rubbing his face, etc, just felt like stuff I do all the time when I'm alone in my room.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM8-yz0y96Y
This second video is what broke me, the sense of isolation I get from the music combined with footage of walking around a carnival alone resonates too strongly with what I experience everyday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCa0g9GEs-A
Reading this back now this feels pathetic but I guess I'll post it anyways. If I have friends, why do I feel so alone?
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slipping through my finger veins i lose my mind on vain thoughts of moments passt and gone
i squish it like its nothing its nothing to me sometimes i beg it please be something
let it all out i just get filled up again tipping it out a cycle rain to groundwater again
i hate i guilt i trip i cry only on the inside
alone i hate it when you come beg something from me i expect only cruelty get off me with your white lies
i want this world iced solid frostbit black when i see the maggots crawling hurting those who cant fight back my rage goes overflowing
worthless waste of time im the only one bleeding in my basement once again sickening myself and im smashing my wrist against it once again and again
i hate it when i feel this way at 2am im swerving out of control and losing my mind on my self made crucifix of loneliness, and emptiness, as i feel the suffering, of everyone, i fall down into the earth into my hell no jesus im a demon where i belong suffering i choose it for myself everytime i see the light i always forsake it
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I sorta want to really refine this one and make it a song or something I think i've gotten pretty okay at this FL studio stuff by now
in art club i draw hands the teacher comes up to me in sunlight and tells me she used to too and i feel so right, i'm finally right, this is my place it took me to senior year but i found it goodbye darkness goodbye nightmare i'm feeling like a wide girl yamabuki high hidamari apartments i finally made it, but i forgot the other wide, my body headless falls down when you make your spiteful commment i see you had crutches but i just thought i'd respect your personal space and let you speak up if you wanted me to touch but no i guess you just have to ruin this with your passive agressive bitch sledgehammer and start fucking shit up now you hate me now i'm not welcome here now i don't even help girls with cruches what a monster how cruel but I guess that's just another gossip thing to add to your behind my back conversations, about how i'm a creep school shooting looking weirdo probably peering through your windows, but i'm not the creep i stay to myself you're the creep i see you taking a picture of me think you're sly with the selfie cam, i see you post it right to snapchat followed by sadistic giggling at the autistic kid again,
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but at least i don't look like my dad's also my uncle cause you do and i stay to myself yeah i do i stay so damn to myself i don't trust anyone sometimes i think my parents wanna kill me with a sweet liquor fake love coating to hide the poison in the anti depressent medicines id rather self medicate i'm paranoid about all that establishment shit i have no groups to go to because now i see that they all just hate me they just want something from me you're all lowly fucking animals you're maggots you're bugs i wanna squish you no gun just my bare hands armstrong style goodbye baby, *-
** help me it hurts i have to scream shaking with rage smashing my fist on the vinyl painting it redder with each swing
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I'm tired of being a no life loser who wastes all my free time behind the computer screen in my room.
What are some things normal people do?
I was asked the question the other day by a cute girl at work who for some bizarre reason had taken a mild interest in me. The convo went something like this:
>so anon what things do you like to do?
>well I like video games I guess
>oh so you're a gamer? that's cool, what else do you like?
>cmon what other things do you do? You don't just sit and play video games all the time right? haha :)
>(starting to panic) n-no
and spaghetti ensued
In truth, I probably average about two hours max a day of video gaming, the rest of the time I just mindlessly browse the internet, youtube, imageboards, and other equally retarded time sinks. I've been wanting to /improve/ in this area for some time now but this experience is the final straw for me. I'm so tired of living this way but I don't even know what else to do. Can anyone out there relate?
I have a small circle of work friends but we don't hang out often and when we do all we do is go out to the movies.
If you have read this post and feel like you don't have much advice to offer, I still want to hear from you. What are some things you like to do in your free time?
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just find a proper hobby anon and stick to it. nothing wrong with video gaming if that's really what you like. have you ever thought about learning game programming or design? you can make stuff pretty easy with unity, source, or unreal. it's literally never been easier.
or maybe there's something else you like to do but have been putting off a lot lately. as an example, for me it's reading. i like reading but it can be hard to take the first step and just read a single paragraph or page. i've been reading the same book for the past 3 months.
it can help to set a really small goal each day and just progress from there. maybe read 5 pages or spend 10 minutes doing what you want to do. walk around 1 block. do that for a few days, or a week, and increase it to 10 pages, 20 minutes, or 2 blocks. anything is better than nothing.
As another anon already said, you just need to find a hobby you're comfortable with ! For me it's writing music, making glitch art (Though i usually don't say anything about it to people irl unless i'm sure that they understand what it is.) and playing pump it up. Even though pump is a game, i still consider it a like a smaaaall hobby. Making music is the easiest thing today. You can steal
buy a DAW from any torrent tracker for free, get a few plugins the same way and start trying stuff. That's exactly how i started doing it after being inspired by some people.
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Really stressing out right now. In reality it's probably an extremely minor issue but I'm a total loser so it's a big deal to me.
Ok so there's this girl at my job who has had a crush on me for a while now. She's really shy and so I'm really shy so we have never spoken before. I've known she's liked me for a few weeks now but still havn't talked with her cause I'm a fucking loser. Today at work two of her friends cornered me and pressured me into saying that I would talk to her tomorrow. Now my pride is at stake. If I don't talk to her I'll look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd and if I do talk to her I'll spill my spaghetti and still look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd.
How should I approach this situation? How do I talk to her without making an ass out of myself? I'm really not super good a talking to people, especially girls, especially when I've already psyched myself out beforehand.
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There is no 'strategy' that will somehow guarante a well spoken conversation.
I'd advise you to medidate before work or do something else that will put you in a relaxed mood. You're at your best when you are not tense.
Here are good articles, some of which may help you out betterhttps://www.succeedsocially.com/
>>387>If I don't talk to her I'll look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd and if I do talk to her I'll spill my spaghetti and still look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd
don't focus on how you "look like"
do whatever you feel is right, but know the difference between anxiety telling you no and your heart or brain telling you no.
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k so I talked to her friends and asked them what time she was going on break and conviently decided that I would take my break at the same time. Psyche myself up totes ready to do this walk into the break room aaaaand shes talking on the phone to someone else. I go back to work after 15 minutes. Tell her friends what happened and feel bummed out. A little bit later I run into her again on the floor and she slips me a note with her number on it.
So now I have her number so wtf do I do now why am I such a clueless anxious loser fuuuuuuuck
Wait until tomorrow send her a text saying "Hey! Would love to grab some coffee, are you free today?"
You have it easier since she already has a crush on you, but just make the message casual and approachable
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I'm all fucked up and broken. I've got serious brain problems and emotional problems and I can't tell where each begins and ends. I can't even understand any of it so I can't even try to fix it. I don't want to live but I'm too scared to die. I'm really tired and I don't know how I can keep going on, but I still wake up every morning to that feeling of dread at being alive still. I wish I could afford to numb or kill myself with something like heroin but I can't afford anything as a skillless hikki/neet living on pity money/shelter from my one remaining relative. I'm just so tired of being, I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life.
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I've been going through similar shit. I really fucked up my brain with shitty otc highs, dph, dxm. Too antisocial to even score weed.
I don't know what your problem is, but have you seen a doctor at all? Journaling is also a really good way to begin to understand yourself and your problems. It also helps you explain your symptoms better if you were to ever see a doctor.
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>>395>seen a doctor
Yeah, but you know how it is. If they can diagnose your problems are they tend not to be outright fixable, and the stuff they can't diagnose they just kind of shrug their shoulders about.
>Journaling is also a really good way
What kind of journaling do you suggest? Sometimes I write in a journal, but it's usually just stuff like my post. It helps feel a bit better, but I don't usually understand too much.
Try to write when you are feeling really shitty, and work through what might be the root of it. It won't be easy at first, but keep at it. You will begin to see patterns in your behavior and that will further help you identify what exactly is the problem.
You said that you wake up feeling this way, though, and that makes me think it may be something wrong chemically in your brain. The obvious and generic questions like, how is your diet, do you exercise, do you get sun, do you get proper socialization, all seem mundane but they can all equally have a great effect on your mental health. Being sedentary and hikki will make you miserable.
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I see, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the help anon. Goodnight and pleasant dreams.
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My mother has been on disability for the past 2 weeks, and trying to help her on top of dealing with my own problems is making me mentally exhausted as fuck. If anything worse happened to her, if she couldn't walk, I would either have to run away or kill myself. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest sibling and the only one who is still not occupied with school. I w a n t t o f u c k i n g d i e
Since 2017, i've been recovering from a strange condition that i wouldn't call depression, as i imagine its much worse than i had. My condition was that i was always sad, unmotivated and wouldn't want to do anything unless its necessary and even so, i would try to avoid doing it anyway. When i started to see improvement in start of 2017, i was quite happy. Fast-forward to 2018, i've been able to say that i'm happy to be live, which i wouldn't even imagine saying back in 2013-2016. But the only thing that always bothered me is that i have no skills. Not as in social skills, thankfully that's not a big problem for me. As in: music, drawing, writing, etc. I've tried it before in that 2013-2016 period, failed, said "Oh well, whatever." And stopped trying, but in that period is wasnt a normal functioning human. And now when i could even say that i'm happy, i realised that i want to create my own things, especially i realised that in the past month or two. And this creates like a small dark hole in my heart that keeps growing. I feel useless. I've tried drawing for three years, writing for a whole year and a bunch of other smaller things that are not as creative. And i've never seen improvement with them. I just want to make something that's mine.
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Even though this sounds so obvious to me now, i've never tried it. But will. Thank you, anon. Have a catto in exchange for your advice.
Always remember that, when it comes to learning, anything is possible. If you really didn't make any progress drawing in those 3 years, it's not because you can't learn it, but rather because your method of learning is wrong - >>409's advice sounds like it could help you, so I'm glad to hear you're trying with that in mind now.
Draw every day for at least a few minutes, draw anything you like. Think of characters you like and draw those, even if they turn out horrible - it's normal. Draw inanimate objects like shelves, boxes, a room, a house, anything. Draw to get used to shapes and 3D logic, to better remember body dimensions and later on muscle structure and anything related. Definitely use references with any of the things listed above as well! You can't get used to correctly imagining something if you aren't reminded of what it really looks like on a regular basis - this is one of the most important aspects. I'm not good at drawing myself, I rarely practice since I'm not good with prioritizing things, but I found that the hands I draw aren't as terrible as they could be, compared to people of a similar skill-level, and that is most likely because hands are the most aesthetic, coolest part of body to mean, so they are burnt into my mind way more than most of the other parts.
Keep yourself motivated with what you are already aware of, all the power you will have once you got around to being a good artist. You can draw for your family and / or friends, for communites you're in; you can offer commissions and draw your own characters and stories. But only if you keep at it, there are no excuses to skip practice!
Study & practice for your brain to get this!
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Happy birthday anon
days are dark now but alway rember happy day
Thanks, anons. That warms my heart.
As you could see, I was really hitting a low point. I listened to a CD of a war veteran (Soldier A) talking about his life and how he overcame his alcoholism, and he said something that really spoke to me. He said, "Nothing needs to change for everything to change, the only thing that needs to change is my perspective." He had spent 30 years living with a disability - blown off leg and internal organ infections - because of the war, that happened on a mission to rescue another soldier (Soldier B), who had survived, but with horrible injuries - one arm that got stitched on backwards, both legs off at the hip, no eyes, feeling in only two fingers…
He touched base with that soldier 30 years later, but for a long time A was resentful that B never said "Thank you for rescuing me" and A lived with that Truth (from his perspective) for a long time, but then he was going to write that to B in a letter. Keeping it short, his wife said "Don't send that" and so A re-wrote it, and while doing so he realized he never once thought, "Why was soldier B there anyway?" It was because soldier B was part of a team being sent to rescue him
, and nobody had EVER said thanks to Soldier B for going into the jungle and being injured far worse than soldier A had been, and it was like his whole life changed at that moment. (cont)
So that really moved me, and I decided that instead of being sad that I have no friends outside of work, I decided that I would try to just be grateful for all of the people who I do get along with at work. Nobody was going to throw me a party, so I bought a bunch of pizza and decided to throw them
a party, sort of as a thank you for them just being there all the time and talking to me, even if we're not friends outside of work or anything…I can be ungrateful for everything I don't have, or I can be grateful for what I do have…and I'm grateful for all of you here, too. Thank you so much, anons. Here's a link to an mp3 rip of that CD I was listening to, in case any of you are curious. It's in english only…https://mega.nz/#!j8Y2FIZC!tIOzPL4SvfAlhHLNmVZnxA4-Riy2eQVLDiSTyHkILGw
This is incredibly inspiring
You are a wonderful human
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I really owe it all to everyone else for opening my eyes to that possibility, but I also temper my enthusiasm knowing that rome wasn't built in a day, nor will the many years of depressing thoughts and habits change overnight. I still find myself being unnecessarily negative, but I'm trying to actively think of specific ways to sustain a healthier perspective.
Like right now I'm sort of being a blob after work - same routine as before. I can't do the same thing every day and expect change, I need to go on hikes or something. So I'm still working on it…but I haven't thought about suicide or anything even close since I heard that talk (I still recommend it) and that's definitely where my thoughts were taking me, so hopefully I will get better….
You try to get better too, okay? Everyone has something that's bothering them or something they want to work on, so do you best!!! I believe in you…please post whenever you could use some support, too…I'll be here.
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I will be going to an amusement park 3 hours away with a group of people from my job that I've never hung out with before.
They will be here to pick me up in a couple of minutes
Anxiety levels are off the charts…
I just wanna have fun why can't I be like normal people?
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How did it go, anon?
It was meh, not best night of my life tier but by no means horrible
In the end I'm glad I went but I wish I had talked more with everyone, I kinda shied away at times and just was by myself not participating
That's only normal if you're a really shy person to begin with. You need the familiarization, and it won't come with the first or even second or third time - most likely it will take at least 5 more times in which you actively decide to participate in such events and endure the slight embarrassment you feel due to your introverted nature. The next few times might also feel harder to attend because, obviously, on top of your shy nature you might now also feel failure and frustration, because you can't succeed this quick.
However, it will get better; it just takes a while. Point is, you need to keep up with these things despite them feeling awkward, because you need to endure that awkwardness.
I can promise you this will work without a doubt and I'd be willing to bet my lifesavings that you will feel fully integrated into the group 100% by the 15th event at maximum. I can also promise you that, by then, you'd at least possess double, or even triple the confidence you have now - and in general, not just among the people you have become used to.
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I hate to do things, I hate to have to do things, I hate to have to do a Phonecall or small things like feeling obligated to go outside, I sometimes felt obligate to talk to familiars and I hate it, I hate the feeling, I always miss everything important, because I hate it, It feels like a burden, most things just feels like a burden, I don't know what's wrong with me.
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we each have different social limits and skills. hanging out with other humans requires navigating differences, and it's OK that you don't quite feel like your popular friends. if it exhausts you, just do it once and a while.
can you say more about this "aura"?
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there are so many of us, the disenfranchised. This should be seen as a problem and it's wierd that it's not. Nobody really cares. "no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own". But this isn't how it should be. It feels wrong. Why are we here. Why has no one come to save us. Hope is a disease.
Can we ever know if it was always like this? [1/2]
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Are we just a modern lens over the Truth? The deepest human Truth? That life and suffering are one and the same? Why live in that case? I keep going, you keep going, perhaps thrust onwards by spite. Or maybe our biological instinct to not die. Are there more of us now? Or are we just more aware of this thanks to advanced communication technologies? What's worst about this is we cannot know the answers to these questions. I'm sure we all have our theories about such things bttut we can't KNOW. The universe doesn't give a shit about knowing.Our emergant systems don't give a shit about knowing. So here we gather. Writing overly pretentious monologues anonymously, with full knowledge that even this medium, where we have formed so many connections over the years, is dying, being replaced by corperate, sterile substitutes. And everyone just eats it up because we're all chasing that dopamine hit, which we are so starved of. So alienated from ourselves that we live an unreality.
what the fuck does that even mean. I don't know, but it somehow makes sense to me. I've been locked up in my room for god knows how long, this is no life. This is no life. I want to dive into the internet head first, and never come out again. That's more real than meatspace now. I've had more visceral interactions online than could even be possible in meatspace. Let me in. I beg my monitor to swallow me whole, but all it does is vomit the text i type in futility back up at my eyes.
"The wired might actually be thought of as a highly advanced upper layer of the real world. In other words, physical reality is nothing but an illusion, a hologram of the information that flows to us through the wired. "
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damn what a shitty day
glad its over but now im so lonely
i wish i had someone to be with
i just want to hold someone and be with and tell me things are gonna be ok fuck man
im actually literally crying right now never before have i desired physical human contact so much
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How do you deal with crippling negative thoughts of inadequacy? Everyday I mentally berate myself with thoughts like "I'm a loser." "I'm a failure" "I'll never be good enough"
In general I have made great improvements and back in the past these thoughts we're definitely true, I definitely was a fucking loser for most of my life but now I'm a lot better but I still have so much more to work on and do better with. I still usually feel like a loser and sometimes make myself cry thinking about how much of a failure I am. I compare myself to other people and see them laugh and smile and be happy with each other and I feel jealous and want it but I think to myself "I'll never have that" "Why can't I be good enough?" and stuff like that and sometimes I cry.
this fucking sucks
i really don't know what to do…
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Hell yeah I can>>477
I don't know if there's any single, definitive way. I guess you should learn to recognize when you're going to have those thoughts, and have some kind of "disruptor." Sing a song in your head, or something like that. I'm not a therapist, tho.
Lately, some things that I've been working on and off of the past six months or so are about to come to an end. I don't know what I want to feel about said events. I do know that in the past when these have happened, I've done enough to satisfy myself with the results and even then, I always know I could have done better. I know it's a really small minded-thing to focus on this as a determinant of my worth, but I think the attitude leading up to it really reflect my worst traits.
I'm lazy, easily distracted, and not dedicated. I've had tons of time and even then I only half-ass it, and that's at the last second too. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm too tired to get anything done, so I'll go to bed." And in the morning, when I wake up, I look at the calendar and tell myself that I have so much time, that I don't need to worry about putting some time in for my own enjoyment because I have time to spare. With every time these events(or even any sort of time crunch passes me by) I am always reminded of what a weak minded, shitty and undeserving person that I am. I don't even deserve the place in life that I have right now. There are people who I know that work far harder than me and yet are still in a worse position. On the flip side, I know that I'll never be able to muster up the dedication to make myself truly great. I listen to how people say that they've put in so much dedication to one thing, and I get motivated for a few days and it just escapes me.
Another thing that really bothers me as well is that I could have put myself in a far better position had I really cared. If I were a better version of myself, more outgoing, more efficient and dedicated, I could easily and confidently say that I deserve this, and more. But I am not that person. I see it in others everyday and my family and friends comment about it, saying I hold X(a close friend) in such high regard that I look up to him in everything. And it's true. I do idolize him, even though he has flaws of his own, I can't seem to be even as half as dedicated or efficient as him. He makes it look easy.
My fears for the future are that I will eventually slip and my shortcomings will be revealed to everyone. Not that they haven't heard me talk about it, but rather they will understand that I truly do not deserve any praise or congratulations.
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Random question: does alcohol make you reveal your true feelings?
Last night I got drunk with a good friend of mine and spent the night at her house. First time for me drinking. i kept saying that i wanted to kiss her and i love her and i was all over her. she liked it but didnt let me kiss her said we should do it when were both sober. she said she always secretly had a crush on me. after i woke up sober i felt unsure. was that the alcohol talking? or do i really do like her deep down inside? how can i know for sure?
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Do you guys enjoy the feeling of hopelessness and sadness? Sometimes it feels so comfy.
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Sometimes, yes. You know what they say, human beings need bitter with the sweet. I guess you start to feel unfulfilled if you're just happy all the time. I love to look at a world map and see how absolutely colossal the planet is. I point to where I am, and then step back slowly until the whole world is in my field of view. I see how small I am, and think about how much of the world I'll never see. All the billions of people that will never know I exist. How all the little problems that make my days miserable aren't worth jack shit on this rock. I think about how miserable other people are, how much tragedy there is in the world. How I can't do anything about it. Children starving, soldiers being manipulated, men living and dying in ignorance. Then I start thinking about how goddamn huge the cosmos is and how none of that tragedy matters either, but I can't do that for too long because it is literally impossible to comprehend. The combined suffering of all of humanity is so fleeting. Existentialism is comfy as fuck if you look at it right.
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I cant let go of the anger, anon. I cant see past my immediate world, Im so angry.
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I can understand that. Sometimes I get mad at a person or sometimes just people in general and I feel like burning the whole world down. Anger, just like sadness and happiness, is just another part of ourselves that we need to accept to feel fulfilled. And if you can't quite get the sense of perspective you feel you need, that's alright. It's ok to get a little self-centered and rage every now and then. I think it's best to feel all emotions in moderation.
However, too much anger can be very painful to hold. You probably don't need me to tell you that. I suppose you could try the opposite of trying to look at the immediate world around you. Look inside yourself, eliminate everything else. Think about how you, personally, got where you are today. I don't mean physical location, or about your success or anything like that. Think about how you got to feel mad. What happened to you? What did you start thinking about? Find the source. And, if it's worth being angry about, then by all means be angry. There's nothing wrong with that.
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I have to go back into work tomorrow & bust my ass for the next few days…I'm not excited about it to be honest.
A lot of the people at work can be real bullies and tend to belittle me because I don't think like they do.
Another thing about it is that it (my workplace) is filled to the brim with married couples or people who are in relationships, beit married or otherwise meanwhile I'm the most single loner in my county…it sucks not gonna lie.
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My hypochondria has reached a point where it's affecting most of my waking hours. I repeatedly obsess over these thoughts, that whatever little thing might be damaging my hearing/cognition/etc. It feels so ridiculous talking about this, the last time I went to a therapist I could barely explain these feelings.
cognitive behavioral therapy could help
you can start yourself by writing down the thoughts you have, and challenge them rationally: is what I'm thinking even true? what is the likelihood of it being true?
the more you do it, the easier it will become and you will be able to challenge your thoughts in your head
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Thanks Anon, I began this process yesterday and it's starting to improve things a bit. I'll have to continue doing this. It's probably flaring up due to the stress I'm currently in (finals and such), can't wait for it to be over and have a break!
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that's great, anon! keep it up, and don't be afraid to see a counselor or therapist if things get difficult.
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I finished college today! I'm glad to be done, I was lonely and generally unhappy here, but I started feeling pretty sad once I realized it would be my last day. I spent a while at dusk just wandering around and looking at everything one last time. Now I'm home typing this and in the morning I'll drive away. I think I'll be much happier in the future, but I guess it's always a bit sad leaving familiar things behind.
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Thank God I'm finally done with this semester. I'm taking the summer off then going back in the fall.
So far I've heard I've knocked out all my classes.
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Congrats Anon! I wish you well in your future endeavours.>>514
Good to hear, enjoy your break :)
As for me, my semester is finished. Went through the hardest units of my uni career, hopefully things will be smooth sailing after this. I don't know why, but I feel very happy today, even in spite of my >>503
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Can someone stoop this low? I'm going full overboard on coping in regards to a lack of love life. I've made a set of IFTTT recipes to go off at certain times of the day to make it look like a girl is texting me, making sure I have a good day at work, how excited she is to see me when I get home, etc.
Next I've begun listening to girlfriend ASMR on youtube…THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING AT YET IT IS…DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!
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Found your problem.
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Everything is out of my reach. Everything that I am is twisted against itself, an ugly mosaic of incompatible parts. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't anything. I am so stupid, ugly, useless, weak, crippled, filthy, diseased, sinful, fallen, depraved… I can't do anything of any value, not even for myself. I hate myself, and I hate everything else since it's all filtered through the lens of myself. My own thoughts and feelings are noxious to me. I don't feel much, but what I do feel is mostly bad. I can't understand even simple things. Almost everything in this world frightens and confuses me. Behind every 'why' is incomprehensible complexity and an arbitrary capriciousness. Everything turns back on itself and denounces it's own foundations. I see monsters hiding behind the bared teeth of things like me. Waking life is a nightmare, the only time I ever feel right is when I dream, but I can't ever hold on to them. No matter what I do they evaporate like morning frost in the light of day. All I can ever remember from the last bits before I wake up is that they are the only place where I don't feel omnipresent sickness, despair, and pain. As if my dreams only exist to make me realize how awful my conscious life is in comparison.
I wish this had never happened. I wish I had never happened. Yet it did, even if I kill myself now I can't erase it. I hate that. That nothing can be done. The problem is intractable, this place is irreparable, this life irredeemable. Why do I even bother whining about it? I don't know. I'm just tired of this, drowning in meaninglessness, in sin & disease and my own wretchedness. I want it to stop, but I've always been too much of a coward. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm saying all this stuff. I just… I don't know.
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Please make it stop hurting. Please make it stop. I don't think I can make it stop. I'm scared, scared it cant be stopped. Please make it stop. Why? Why? Please save me. Please make it stop. God have mercy. Please make it stop. Please, please please pleasepleaseplease. God have mercy.
There is no need to feel sorry. The thread is here for opening up to your emotions. If your post expressed how you felt then that is good. >>529
I hope you don't mind me to give advice. Have you thought about wirting a diary? It can only be a few sentences a day but everyday. You will find, after a week or two, that you start to enjoy this writing.
I hope you don't mind me to give advice. Have you thought about wirting a diary? It can only be a few sentences a day but everyday. You will find, after a week or two, that you start to enjoy this writing.
No, but I have thought about blogging.
I'm tired of NEET-dom but too anxious to take on responsibilities in fear of burning out again. My friends ask questions along the lines of "What are you up to?" Answering with "Nothing…" is ageing like milk. I'm a fucking cow. If stagnancy persists they'll abandon the farm in search of better pastures. Then I'll be a lonely cow. Moo.>>533
On the way back home in one of our last road trips, the sunset pierced through thick billows. I noted it looked particularly tangerine and left it at that. Napped for a bit. They told me it was a fun trip and that we should hike more. I concurred. We paid several toll fees. Argued over a playlist. They won, and then died a few months later.
Since then remembering what they looked like, their voice, who they were and how we were has been almost impossible. If it hadn't been for a video saved in my laptop I would have forgotten everything. Yet details of that memory on the road ring crystal clear: the sun, the clouds, the music and the mileage ticking away, but never the person I shared the moment with.
It's happened a few times over the past year. When revisiting a foreign tourist spot they dragged me to (dunes, sand, an ice cream stand), lying on my back in a public pool (mandatory goggles, laps, butterfly strokes), looking through their old photos (the same pose again and again, to look slimmer, they said). It's not a sad feeling. Bittersweet, maybe, but more surreal tinged with nostalgia and the missing pieces nagging my brain. I've tried writing about it and failed each time. I can't say this is a successful attempt. Maybe it's as close as I get to articulating an incomplete thought.
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Recently in a moment of clarity I realized that I am mentally deteriorating. I don't know if it's early onset dementia or perhaps schizophrenia but my mental state is getting worse and worse. I'm having paranoid thoughts and deranged urges. I can't really remember more than a few hours back, maybe a day if I try hard. I can't see things right anymore they look wrong somehow and when I try to really look at things I feel sick. Nothing seems real, excepting pain, pain feels immediate. My emotions are all odd, I don't feel like I think I should, but I don't know how I should feel. I think I might have to get my affairs in order and find an accessible way to kill myself if this gets worse. Only problem is I don't know if I'm getting worse or not because I can't remember what I used to be like. If I am going crazy, I need to make sure I don't get too far gone to check out. It's a real dilemma.
Though, the really odd thing about all of this is I don't feel alarmed by any of it. I know I should feel something like that, but I don't.
You should seek out a doctor (or possibly a hospital that don't require appointments) as soon as possible.
The sooner you do something the better.
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I've been talking to a girl online for about a month now. I've never felt a closer connection to another person. However, it is so painful to be so physically far apart. Today, I told her that we should 'tone down' our relationship. She felt it coming, but was still heartbroken, of course. I don't feel good about this decision now, but hopefully it will make things easier going foward.
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After overcoming childhood traumas i'd say im doing good and thats all, but after getting a rest from work ive come to notice im nothing out of ordinary and, dare i say, a plain pointless of a person in a world so rich, old and overcrowded. I feel like an ungifted child forgotten by the gods, everybody is conditioned naturally to think they're different because they are protagonizing their own lives, but that's not always true.
All that i could ever do in my lifetime with all my efforts has been done by someone before in this unfavourable age, and the world is conquered. Every patch of land is know and someone owns it, makes me anxious to know i don't have the option to just settle in new land and start my own way because there is no new land nor will i have the right to exist in any without paying tribute to men.
Overcoming pain is not enough in a virtueless existence, to me.
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My behavior is beyond control. I shouldn't even call it mine, it's a bad habit. The body wakes up, lingers around, chew on a piece of stale bread, take a shower, sit on a chair and I can see through its eyes. Now it reads a book, now it looks at pictures… It won't move beyond the house, it doesn't seem to care we're getting dragged to abject poverty. I try to think "I should be doing this", "I should be solving this and that and that". It's useless. The body stretches over the carpet and stares at the ceiling for hours on end. I wait. I wait, there's nothing else to do. I sense the hand that senses the carpet, it's all. Its intelligence is not mine, nor its movements my own. I'm inside an aquarium and the whole day I have my face pressed against the glass, staring the outside. Some times the glass is in one position, another times is in another place entirely different. I never know how big or small space is going to be. A constant guess, a game. I don't mind. People might say "Yes of course, you're a person, a human being. Human Being." They make the same mistake I would make at first. I might have started as a person and the exterior can fool even the most observant but at this point I know better. I am the period at the end of this sentence. Not the sentence, not the words, not the voice reading it or the mind feeling it, but the very signal of an ending. I am an impulse that uses a pair of eyes to look beyond the glass and the thoughts aligning inside the mind are also obviously not mine.
(body too long)
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I have never invented a single word, nor a language, not even an emotion, nor gesture. I don't know who invented all this things but I'm sure many people will be ready to claim all of it for themselves. They never get exhausted, it's intriguing. No no, it wasn't me at all, I barely just arrived you see? I just use whatever comes floating by. The language, the feelings and everything else. I'm so close to being nothing I can almost taste it. It tastes like it's no big deal at all. This strange configuration of life, almost tempted to say it's a dream. I'm dreaming I'm a man though even that dream is not mine. It just happened that I was standing exactly where the dream flew by and my sleeve got caught in some part of its surface. That's all it is, really, it can happen to anyone. It's a little odd however, that I don't remember why I was standing like that, so unaware to the point of getting caught in such an accident. I try to remember it, but I just can't figure it out. If, maybe, I just stay very put and very still I'll be able to figure this out, I'll figure everything out. Another day, it's what I tell myself. I just need one more day to figure things out and I'll be right on my way, wherever that is. I'm sure it must exist somewhere. Maybe I can piece it together with a little more time. Maybe if I have one more day I'll find it. Then I'll know at least where to turn my head to and I'll be able to say "West! East! North! That's where I should turn my head to. Come on, neck, do your job dear friend, we have a direction to face!" I find that very funny. That's how I amuse myself all day long and then it's time to sleep again. How many more days will I have my face pressed against this ocean, how many more thoughts will visit me and go away again? We'll see.
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Sorry for not responding earlier, I didn't think anyone would reply.
I appreciate the concern, but I really can't possibly afford a doctor. It's fine though. Like I said I'm not in any distress. That's more than one can usually hope for in life.
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My best friend of forever has a brain tumor and I'm very upset. we work together and I can hardly say hi to him cause I love him like a brother and Im worried so much. He keeps talking like hes dying, and says he wants to check stuff off his bucket list before he goes, but I just want to keep working with him.
I've been going out to drink with him every second night since I found out, I dont want him to go.
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i've met so many nice people that I love, but it is so hard to keep tabs on everyone anymore. having an awful memory because of past shitty drug habits doesn't help at all. I only have so much time and energy for so many others, but it's so hard to admit this and to let anyone go.
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Anon, from the age of about 6 years old I was getting dragged to AA meetings by my mom, and so I've been around nothing but people who have fallen far, and are struggling with the climb to decency. I love you, even though I do not know you.
What I've found is that the platitude is true: There is a flip side to every coin. There was a passage in the Dhammapada that stuck in my memory like nothing else in my life ever had:
"The beggar who guards his mind, and fears the waywardness of his thoughts, burns through every bond with the fire of his vigilance.
The beggar who guards his mind, and fears the waywardness of his thoughts cannot fall, he has found his way to peace."
I would recommend repeating that to yourself for a few moments to allow its wisdom to sink in. In other words, for example, a once-poor man will always savor a simple but sustaining meal, so long as he fears that he will one day be entirely spoiled. It is quite easy to become ungrateful, but if we can use our fear as fuel for our vigilance, we never need to be anxious about it.
Maybe I'm just saying this as a defense mechanism, but given my upbringing and the level of great financial success that I've enjoyed, I realize now that success, too, has its costs, and that I wish I were not surrounded by such successful people, because the depth of their experience is shallow
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I can't wait for university to start again.
It's still the whole of September. Three months are too much.
I'm disappointed that I don't have the willpower to put effort into studying something on my own. I feel dreadful and how pointless it is. I never had this problem during the semester because I always knew that it's useful for good grades and stuff.
I don't have the power to work on something but I don't enjoy other things either. Playing games has me feeling regret over the passed time. I know there's a saying that goes like "Time enjoyed wasting isn't wasted time." but I don't enjoy forcing myself through the next level.
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Getting into college is a good thing for a lot of people, but now I just wish I hadn't entered at all. My problem isn't even studying, it's having to "socialize" and be good at talking to other people so you can get good grades. I'm very close to kick the bucket and just do whatever I want, but might not be the best idea.>>562>I can't wait for university to start again.
Got good memories from there?
>I don't have the power to work on something but I don't enjoy other things either.
It might help getting drunk just one night to get energy to start something or even do something.
Also, have you tried to watch some tv shows? I usually get energy to do things from there.
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Hey, everyone. I'm slowly trying to phase the internet out of my life since I spend a significant portion of my waking hours on it and books stimulate my mind better.
Thank you for having me.
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i just yelled at my mom
i partly feel bad but im also angry because i feel that if she wasn't always so overbearing, i wouldn't be so pathetic
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My waking life feels like a recurring nightmare. Every time I wake up I think to myself "No not again, please not again". The moments before I wake up things are right and good, and then I wake up again and everything is wrong and sick and sad. Everything I sense and feel here feels wrong. Sickness and disgust wash over me in waves. My body is leaden and corpse-like, even breathing feels like a struggle. I don't understand anything in this world, unlike the other where everything -no matter how odd- makes sense, everything here is opaque and nonsensical. I feel a constant low-grade terror to go with all the other wrong feelings and I don't even know why or what I dread. This place is more terrible than anything I've ever seen in the other world. It's like this place is the unreal one, the inversion of how everything should be.
I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could stay in the other world and never come back here. I don't want this life. I don't want to be in this place.
I know this sounds like a stupid question, but reflection on it, if not a response, might go somewhere interesting, I think. The question is this: "Do you want to feel better? Good, even?" another way of asking that question is, "Do you want to change?"
Unrelated - I'm not familiar with that image, but I like it.
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I don't know. Maybe? Change should be a simple concept but I find it confusing. Can I change without being something else entirely? Is there value in changing into something else outside of the value of no longer being? I can't tell what parts need to be for me to be me. My thinking is muddy and muddled. So I think I'd rather just sidestep the issue, I think I want to feel good, or maybe I want more not to feel bad and feeling good is only good insofar as it lets me feel not bad. I don't know even if that makes any sense. I find it hard to even understand that sort of simple and seemingly obvious choice. I don't know why. I end up thinking odd questions and can't tell where the path of right thinking is. Like "Is feeling good something in itself, is it a part of me and how is it related to the other parts, is it just a process I can influence, a hollow where bad existed and is now taken away?". I don't know, I don't even have the right words for these thoughts. I can't tell if these are proper thoughts or just the half-baked ramblings of a halfwit.
So instead of rambling more I'll just say again, that I think I would like to be in the other world instead of this one. This waking world seems bad, and the other good. If I could chose I'd choose the good feeling one. If I could change I'd change so that didn't have to be here. I don't know if that really means anything or not, sorry if I didn't answer your question coherently or meaningfully.
P.S. The artist is Roj Friberg if you want to find more there are more images on the net.
I know that feeling. A few months ago, I had moments where I simply couldn't cope with what my real life had become. I would go to bed and choose not to wake up to the real world, but I was plagued with nightmares and woke up anyways in the middle of the night, often going without much sleep even though I spent much time in bed. It was the single worst period in my life at that point. I don't think I even wanted to commit suicide or anything because I was just too tired to do anything like that. I wished I could have just faded out of existence, not killed myself. But I was jolted out of that state by a series of events I had unknowingly set into motion before those times, something that I didn't even know was going to happen. In my heart, I know how closely I came to not pulling myself out of that hole. I escaped from it by the skin of my teeth.
Now, I think I'm on the verge of falling into that hole again. Without going into specifics, this time I cannot rely on magical thinking or luck to break me out of this one. I know my destiny is entirely in my own hands, and it terrifies me that I will not be able to succeed given my track record.
I'm fucking terrified, man, but it just doesn't manifest itself in action, only a series of increasingly self-deprecating statements that are a pity party for myself and nothing else. The only reason I'm doing this is to give myself a sense of emotional turmoil and pretend that I'm actually working towards making my dreams reality when in reality I'm just making myself suffer in hopes of making myself believe that I am suffering on my way to the goal. The hole looms dark and deep and grows closer but I can't stop
Anyways, I'm sorry for taking away from your point with my schizo ramblings. Just wanted to get it off my chest and hopefully let you know that you're not alone
fuck fuck fuck shit fuck though if i'm not fucking terrified of it holy crap holy fuck
There's this cute girl that I like at work and I think if I were more of a chad I would have a chance with her, but as it is, I'm too much of a bitch to do anything. She was talking about how she holds her cats at night one day, and how she loves it when they settle up against her back, because for some reason her back gets really cold at night. My heart skipped a beat. I want to be the one who keeps her back warm at night. >>586
I'm sorry I've been away, anon, but I hope you're still around. >can I change without being something else entirely?
Unfortunately we are always changing, whether we want to or not, sort of like how trees change with the seasons. Even if we "change nothing" about ourselves in a given year, living the same way, we will not be the same in 10 years - you will have all of the same resentments and anxieties, but they will be much greater and more powerful. Your brain itself will change to make it harder to escape that way of thinking. There will always be change, we just have to choose which direction we want to go in. There is no better world to be found, except the one that we make - even if it was a better world on the other side do you know that you would be able to maintain it better than you were able to maintain this world? Why not practice now, for the future? It's very difficult, but I'm asking you literally - why not try to make yourself better? Try Jordan Peterson lectures - there are some issues with what he says, but on the whole I think what he has to say is very useful.
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I'm faced with two blanketing fears that come from my insecure mind and that one alone. They are; 1 The fear of undoing progress and 2: The fear of what I'd call a "mind virus"(?) or mind parasite.
Months ago I got head first into buddhism and I felt a sense of relief like I never did before (but thinking about it, am I not putting my imagined past onto a pedestal and thus making things worse?). I was freed for the first time from the responsibilites that are immediately linked to the suffering of existence. I got to a point where I realized that I don't need to care for money or being good or anything like that. That it's perfectly fine how I am and as long as I do right deeds I do enough. I can be happy just as I am and I don't need to wait for the next imagined thing to arrive from some far distant future to fill the needs I delude myself into having. I only need to be happy to be happy.
I got really into tabletop rpgs and I run a group online. I'm not the worst but I feel like this contact with people is hurting me. I check the computer and phone more often, put responsibilites on myself that don't need to be. Always look forward to the day of the game and stop minding the present.
Being in contact with people also brings out my flaws and personality issues. I'm not alone and peace anymore, I'm what they perceive and act accordingly, putting on my persona. The persona of arrogance and blunt vile. So far there has never been the case that I didn't start to hate the other person if I spend a lot of time with them.
After every game I wonder if I was actually alive the past four hours because they rushed by.
I'll put my 2) in the next post so I can share more images.
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I don't know enough and so I assumed and these assumptions, should they be correct, put me into a position I would prefer not to be caught in.
The belief: I think a mind is its content and it expresses itself in these contents. Why did painters for centuries primarily potray religious themes? Because that was on their mind, Why do artists now draw fanart of whatever anime is in seaon? Because that is on their minds.
I don't believe in originality but rather that everything we ever saw repeats itself in patterns inside our heads.
Why is the young boy not speaking with a dialect as is usual in this part of the country? Because he spends most of the time inside watching television where everyone speaks the default tongue.
I hope I explained the situation well enough to allow my fear to be empathized with:
I am incredibly scared of my head being poisoned with filth. I'm tired of ads, schedules, habits, the way people on the internet speak, language, starting my sentences with "I".
I feel as if everything has been painted gray and the second I look at the walls in their cement color I lose myself in something dirty.
Anything you mix with gray, it will be gray.
I don't want to use the word "hate" but it's what I feel when I walk the short passage to my apartment where big posters for shops and restaurants are put up. I don't want to see it. Please don't show me another ad for McDonalds. Or shoe discounts. Or ISP offers. I don't want it. Leave me alone.
I feel a sense of relief when I see grafitti. At least there's one person who couldn't take it either. The person drawing a dick isn't paid for it, didn't care who sees it, just felt like doing it and had the courage to go through.
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Finally, I just want silence. I want things to be quiet. To find peace in solitude. If I had the option to never talk again, I'm too weak to follow up on it. Grey is just another color that needs to be replaced by a blank canvas. I wish I could put it aside.
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I'm being blamed for ruining christmas for not being able to stay in the same room as my sisters's dog due being scared of dogs.
I feel like I'm the one in the cage because I can't go out of my room without being noticed by that thing.
I'm reading through my mom's bookshelf that was placed in my room a few years ago. I hope i can finish one or two novellas while I'm stuck in here.
I wish I had some sense of control over my life. Shitty job, drug addicted room mates, dirty room, dirty clothes, dirty body. I don't want to "fit in" to society, and I'm fine living my own life, but I lack any sense of personal accomplishment. Anything I want seems out of grasp, no matter how mundane.
So ill just sit here for hours smoking weed instead of cleaning, buying a working phone, or opening the piles of letters addressed to me.
Just dreaming. Dreaming of the life I want but fear I will always hold myself back from.>>604
I feel you. I was terrified of dogs for most of my life. Always having to beeline away from yards with dogs on my walk to/from school, and hiding away from people at family gatherings. And the worst is no one seems to care about your utter terror.
If it helps at all I've learned most dogs really just wamt to play/get attention. Also you have to say hi.
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All it seems I'm doing in life is endlessly cycling through old hurts, rediscovering each time how painful they can be. I didn't intend to live this long. I just can't seem to die, even though I don't want to live. Even on my best days when I ask myself if I want to live, I don't. Yet for all my supposed enthusiasm I still haven't managed to end it. I don't want to live, but I guess I don't actively want to die either. At the same time I'm going to die one way or another, and if I keep on going all I really have to look forward to is more of the same worthless shitty life I've already lead, and a death probably just as painful and messy as a botched suicide. I wish I could die free from pain or discomfort in a nice mountain forest somewhere, looking at the sky. But I guess that's not gonna happen.
Change is possible, anon. Sometimes it takes only a little thing in the future to keep going, something to look forward to. I pray you find that thing that gets you out of bed and through the day. >>613>Pray to God I look back on this with relief and not suicidal intent.
I will pray for you too. I wish you the best in your endeavours.
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Sometimes I can almost see clearly. I can drag my fingers along the contours of my mind and feel the hair-fine joinery that gives the illusion of a single unified whole. I can faintly feel the holes in my reason and thought. Pitfalls and traps laid down in language itself and even worse things lurking in the depths. All my assumptions suspect. Time and space and all other things I only understand through my diseased thoughts are lies. My emotions lead me along a path not of my own choosing. I can faintly feel my strings being pulled. I catch out of the corner of my eye the flashes of the puppeteers thread. Endlessly chasing after pleasures that never materialize, waxing nostalgic for times that were never good. Where do I even exist? Not in the past, not in the future, not in the present. What am I even? I'm nowhere, I'm nobody, I'm nothing. Still what is this hurt, this pain that seems to say I am, even if everything else is a lie? Why is this all I have? Why do I have to be like this? Is this all I am? I think that it is. I am nothing but a wind up toy or a broken puppet who's eyes have fallen inside. There is no real self here, nothing unchanging that is me and not someone or something else. Just a bundle of localized phenomena. It doesn't even matter, because there is no one for it to even matter to. Even so whatever I am I wish I could escape this fate. I want to scream out, to beg and cry for release from this prison. But there is no out, there is only as always and as ever this place. There is no escape from this nightmare that was never mine to begin with.
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There is no escape from the prison because there is no prison. As you say, there is no self, just a bundle of localized phenomena. The Ego or the illusory feeling of "I" was cultivated over a long evolutionary period to help you survive. The Truth is too complicated in order to survive by utilizing what actually exists in reality. An occasion glimpse, though, is helpful - let the Ego become transparent, not dissolved.
Your emotions are not rational, no, but they are still a part of You. You must learn to listen to them and cooperate with them in order to realize your Body's full potential.
It does matter. Not just for the feeling of personal transcendence, but to be able to guide others to see the light as well.
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I'm freezing cold, penniless, with no energy nor time, my life is a tornado of disappointment, and I have a painful health problem I've been neglecting for a month that is driving me crazy. But all that bothers me is that all the things I make for myself end up so sloppy I don't know why I even bother.
It's been hopeless and heavy for a few years now, but now it's getting physical too and it sucks so much worse.
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I'm hanging up post its in my whole apartment to encourage me. I hold the view that everything has the potential to enrich & enlighten you to the highest heavens or bring you down to the lowest depths of hell (or not being used exclusively here). I hate my sisters. They think I'm an autist and never showed more than a shallow interest in me.
Maybe I should feel worried for feeling encouraged to bring my life in order after a 2h breakdown. I've gone beyond caring what's normal at this point. As long as I'm clean and I fall asleep peacefully somewhere warm I will be happy.
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>work on something
>share with friends
>spend the rest of the day waiting for a replay or some feedback
This is a bad habit that steals a lot of time.
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I don't feel anything for other people. I don't feel like any one I've ever known is substantial or real. I don't feel anything from places or things. They feel like cardboard setpieces for some sort of play. Even things I ought to like like pastoral scenery feels dead and empty to me. I don't feel many positive emotions. I don't think I've ever really felt joy, or love, or beauty, or any of the normal things people claim to feel. I know the problem isn't with the people or the places or the things, but myself. Why I'm like this? I feel like I'm all there is in this world of dolls and artificial staging. I feel like my life is it's own punishment. Like I am my own self contained hell. I hate myself deeply, down to the indelible patterns of thoughts and feelings that make me, me. I hate that I'm frantically typing this out trying to feel something by putting all my stupid worthless thoughts on paper. This won't change anything. I won't suddenly enjoy life because I admit I hate and fear it. Examining my life has never changed it, or made me feel any better about it. It all seems a stupid and spiteful joke. I can't even manage to kill myself because it won't change what I want changed, and I would have to admit that there's not going to be any happy end. To admit and accept the reality of this awful sick evil. I can't do it, so I tell myself that things will change, even though they never have. I tell myself that there's hope, even though there's no reason to think there is. Nothing ever changes for the better.
Yet even after admitting all this, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to say any of this. This has meant nothing…
dude that sounds like anhedonia, and inability to experience positive emotion
im no doctor but i just googled "inability to experience positive emotion'"
if you're in a good place and things are otherwise good and you still dont feel happy it might just be a chemical issue
i dont know, though, im no doctor, but it sounds like you should visit one and see what's up
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>that sounds like anhedonia
It's a little different. I've had ahedonia on occasion before, in ahedonia even the smallest things are completely pleasure-less. Food and drink, a warm bath, even masturbation feel like nothing. This is more like my emotions are stunted and muted. I can enjoy things, but to much less of a degree than everyone else seems to. It's been like this as far back as I can remember.
>it sounds like you should visit [a doctor] and see what's up
I've gone to the doctor before when I still could afford to (through family insurance) and went through all the drugs but none of them helped much. I might try one last time, but it's going to be hard to find someone since I don't have money nor insurance to pay to see someone.
Thanks for the concern and advice anyways anon. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, I just don't see any way out of this. Even still complaining on the net helps a bit maybe.
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I'm very nervous about leaving my long-term NEETdom and supposed to be putting in job applications at some point next week.
I've also been in a state of being a hikikomori for well over a year now which isn't the first time I've went full "hikki" I've been doing this literally on and off for most of my adult life with it lasting sometimes even three years. Part of me just wishes I could start the progress towards filing for disability to recieve "NEETbux" instead as I do struggle every single day with mental illnesses. I'm constantly in a battle. I just fixed my sleeping schedule in order to be up "normal" hours as a start as well as trying to eat better. I'm going to try to take better care of my physical and mental hygiene next. Then exercise and so on. I slowly do feel myself in a better mental state overall than I was last year. But I'm worried about having a complete breakdown. Last job I had I ended up cutting myself with my time at work to the point where blood was running down my arm. I lied to my boss and told him I got hurt and asked if I could call to be picked up to go home as I don't have my license. I have an extreme fear in driving and tried for many years now in getting over that fear with it getting worse and worse each time.
Sorry for posting a jumbled mess.
Impossible? No, I would agree with you. Where our views change though is that I believe the amount of time and effort just for something that turns out to be uncertain is simply not worth it. I know she's out there (and she doesn't have to be "perfect" because no one is), but I also believe we'll never meet because of how little I interact with the outside (I work and come straight home, stay home on weekends). Between me not willing to spend time with people that I don't enjoy having around, and staying alone to spend time with someone that I do enjoy (myself), I'll take the latter without a second thought.
It doesn't help that my last 2 interactions with women I was interested allowed me to be their boyfriend but had their eyes on someone else. That must have been like 6 years ago.
When you go shopping for something, and it needs to be perfect, you're gonna reject a number of trades and search in many different places before buying that thing. That's literally how relationships work.
It's unrealistic to get a perfect gf by talking to the first cute girl you see. You have to increase the volume of women you meet significantly so that your relationships can fail faster, that way you can get them out of the way and get to the ones that matter.
I have a normie cousin and he always comes to me for advice on girls despite the fact that he dates more of them in a month than I did in my entire life, but even someone as "natural" as him needs to meet dozens of women to get a gf that he likes. Life isn't a romcom or a Disney fairytale, I think we're so disappointed in dating because we all had our expectations raised by the fake depiction love in movies and stories, when reality is more of a hustle and if we knew that right off the bat then we wouldn't be so bummed about it.
What do you mean, cleansed?
A lot of people get very bitter because of being treated unfairly, but that can cause some seriously bad things. Jordan Peterson wrote about it and it sounds like you're going down that path. It's the wrong path that will only make things worse.
Cleansed is concerning.
No, it's too inconvenient and uninteresting. Video games and anime are both much more interesting, time efficient, and consistently fun.>>724>You have to increase the volume of women you meet significantly so that your relationships can fail faster, that way you can get them out of the way
I read and understand your whole post, but that's definitely not going to happen, per the above. I'm not going to waste my time with people that are trying to trick me into liking them.
I mean that there are people that the world is probably just a lot better without.>>742
I feel the same in a lot of ways. I recently lost my gf and it's killed all of my will to date real women. Too much hassle. They're evil.
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Of the four lectures I signed up on beginning this semester, I failed two exams, signed off for one and postponed another to the end of february. My planning was an incredible failure and I have only one shot to reedem myself with this exam at the end of the month.
This single exam is my only means of making this whole semester worthwhile.
My head feels empty lately. I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day. I am so utterly scared of growing dumber because I'm not smart to begin with.
Human psychology is complex, it isn’t as simple as “boy brain good girl brain bad”
There’s lots of types of people out there, you’re likely young and haven’t met them all. It gets better, just stay out of echo chambers and speak face to face with more people
Of course there are different behavior, but there very broad. The number one most prevalent behavior is hat women are more interested in people and men are more interested in things. Usually its because testosterone makes you aggressive and dominant - you want status so you buy expensive things, and women like and value relationships more. Note the difference is little, but there. Their whole gender isn't ruined because they are picky in relationships.
I don't like to argue, I don't like to argue… This is like a soft place I come to, I don't want to fight here, but it's not right to disqualify all women because some are mean.
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How does everyone deal with the many tiny nuisances of life? I mean like when you set a plan to do something, but you run into problems on the first step, so you make another plan just to solve the first problem on the first step, and you run into problems there too.
How do people deal with this? It makes it almost everything not worth doing for me. For example, if I try applying for an English teaching job on the internet, they require me to send a video description of me talking as the first step, but then I realize I suck at talking on camera, so I spend months recording videos when my room mates aren't at home until I get one right, then they message me and tell me my webcam and sound is shit, so I go buy a new webcam, but it turns out that one is just as shitty as the old one, so I borrow a decent camera from a roommate, but the fucker is always when I need privacy and lots of practice to record a video that doesn't make you cringe too hard.
I can't explain these problems to normalfags because to them it sounds like I'm bitching and whining over nothing
>just do it bro hurr hurr
To me it feels like being in the jungle and you need to get from point A to B, but it's not tigers or wild animals animals stopping you, you can just shoot them or something, it's thousands of tiny bugs, mosquitoes, plants, quicksands and other shit fucking with you at every step of the way.
>>797>How does everyone deal with the many tiny nuisances of life?
Through experience, and potentially with research before action. I've used/heard webcam mics before and they are never ever good, so if I happened to have the need for me to record audio and real-life-video, I would "just know" that only a webcam wouldn't cut it, and that I could either need to use my headset or buy one if I didn't have one.
Honestly they probably expected you to use a smartphone since "lol everyone has them and there is no way on earth that someone might not have one!!!!" is such a common thought but I didn't get one until early last year and it was against my will anyway.
As far you presenting on camera or any other "I'm just bad at it" situations (everyone has them), I just wing it. I would rather a potential employer get something in a timely manner and a little goofy than making them wait months even if it was the perfect video.>Hello, here is my video file. I'm not great when in front of a camera because I have a hard time talking when no one is in front of me so that's why I (negative aspects of the recording)
>>804>Honestly they probably expected you to use a smartphone since "lol everyone has them and there is no way on earth that someone might not have one!!!!" is such a common thought but I didn't get one until early last year and it was against my will anyway.
Yes, my phone camera sucks, and it's broken anyway. I have two months left before I run out of rent money and I'm wondering if I should spend half of it on a really good webcam or a microphone. I'm afraid that even if I record a non-cringy video with someone else's iPhone30, I will get kicked off by the interviewer or something.
>As far you presenting on camera or any other "I'm just bad at it" situations (everyone has them), I just wing it. I would rather a potential employer get something in a timely manner and a little goofy than making them wait months even if it was the perfect video.
I wish I could do that, but the point is to have a video for your bio so that students can see how fun/friendly you are before booking a lesson with you, and some sites require you to send one to a manager/interviewer too.
I'm so angry I could almost kill someone. These aren't big problems. This isn't the same as getting into a car crash or discovering that you have cancer, but they are so small and frequent and annoying that I just don't want to do anything if it means going through so much trouble just achieve to some simple thing.
>>806>I'm afraid that even if I record a non-cringy video with someone else's iPhone30, I will get kicked off by the interviewer or something.
If you only have 2 months of rent left, you physically cannot afford to afraid. When it comes to any task that anybody might not want to do, one needs to weigh which outcome they are afraid of more - in this case, that's uploading a crappy/cringey video as their bio or having a very real chance at becoming homeless. Maybe there is some 3rd or maybe even a 4th option you have but the point still stands in that you would just need to factor in though additional outcomes.
I understand how you feel about microscopic legos that you manage to step on because I still deal with these types of things too, and I'm sure other people do to. However, I analyze my options and the consequences of each so that I can reach my personal best outcome. My biggest micro-issue is of course, the gf BS here >>707
. If I was truly afraid of being alone, I have confidence in myself that I would at least start somewhere such as creating an online presence, going to social events, etc. But I'm not afraid, so there is no motivator for me to do anything. In the post, I mention that I'm happy with my own company so there is no reason to try to fix what isn't broken. However, I still consider it a micro-issue because in the back of my mind, I know people make fun of Wizards in the real world and with the scale that it happens on, there's got to be a good reason for it.
>>806>I'm wondering if I should spend half of it on a really good webcam or a microphone.
I am absolutely sure that you can go to a photo shop in your city and tell them hey, I have to shoot a brief video for an interview, can we do that? They all have DSRL cameras that also shoot video. It will probably cost you much less than buying equipment to do a few takes, and it will look way better than webcam footage. And the audio will probably be better too.
Unless you have anxiety issues you can fix this.
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The same thing happened to me about a year ago, except the girl didn't meet my standards of beauty (she wasn't very pretty), which is why I couldn't bring myself to like her no matter how hard I tried. She was really sweet though, and sent me the sweetest voicemail at the end of our second date confessing to me, and I didn't have the heart to reject someone so naively and childishly in love, I was even a bit jealous that she could love like that, like she never had her heart broken and didn't have to put any guard up, though that's not to say she wasn't shy about it. I had to leave town on the next day and we texted back and forth for a few months until I ghosted her.
I really hate what I did and the way the situation turned out and it's left a big scar in me, it still makes me want to cry when I think about it and I'm afraid of dating other girls in case until I'm strong enough to reject someone. I hope she is doing ok now and has found someone she deserves. I really don't want to hurt anybody, and someone like her least of all.
To answer your question, you aren't gay, you just have better standards. You have to sit down and write down in perfect detail who you would want as an ideal girlfriend. I wouldn't recommend dumping this one just yet, date her for a month and see if you like her or not, and tell her that you aren't sure about this relationship and you will give her a month before you quit, one thing I realized too late is that the reason people hate being dumped isn't because they're dumped, but because they don't really have a choice in it, they're partner is being taken away from them whether they like it or not it, it's just so sudden and they couldn't do anything about it.
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Anxiety has reached the point where I sometimes am really afraid of my current experience being "real". I'm afraid that I'm in some sort of coma dream/purgatory, a delusion created by my mind/some malicious higher power. I'm beginning to doubt my own memories as well. Sometimes it subsides, but otherwise it flares up from time to time, especially when confronted with my own mortality.>>781
Hang in there Anon, I'll be the first to say that there are parts of Uni life which really suck. I hope you'll get through it! vid related
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>>841>Anxiety has reached the point where I sometimes am really afraid of my current experience being "real". I'm afraid that I'm in some sort of coma dream/purgatory, a delusion created by my mind/some malicious higher power. I'm beginning to doubt my own memories as well.
Yes, I totally feel you. Reality doesn't seem real anymore, it's like I'm playing a videogame and there's some bug that keeps crashing the game when I try to get to the next level, so I play the same level over and over again to try and move on, seeing the same boring NPCs, going to the same places, doing the same things every day, trying all kinds of hacks unsuccessfully to try and progress.
It really feels like God created me just to toy with me, to give me hope and wave good things in front of my nose and then to take them away from me. I'm now afraid of happiness whenever I get it and I learned to hate it because I know that it's going to be revealed as a lie and that it's not really meant for me and if I indulge too much in it, I will be more unhappy than I was before. This is how deal with disappointment.
I'm not gonna give up though, I hate God so much that I'll always keep living and trying just to spite him, because he obviously wants me to kill myself and the only way I can fight back is to deny him that pleasure.
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I'm so fucking sick of this ELA class. I was randomly shuffled into it by whatever idiot made the schedule. I tried to fix it, but they said it would fine. 3 quarters in the highest grade is an 80 and the average is a 60. Everyone else was shuffled in their by some random filing accident and they all regret not dropping the class. I would be fine with failing, but the professors so bad. We had to practice deconstructing an essay and when the teacher saw my thesis she just put her finger on it and screamed 'No! no! no! Re do it!' and said nothing else. I was in a fucking bad mood that day and I almost broke down crying godamn it. Someone else pointed out the proff made a spelling mistake and that pissed her off so now she's knocking off a point for every misspelled word on a hand written essay. This credit is important too. I don't get ti I wont be able to graduate and will be stuck another year. My GPA is teetering between a 3.3-3.5 so a 60 would obliterate my GPA.
There absolutely is a demonic entity in the guise of a god out there. The demiurge is the force responsible for all of the suffering on the earth. It's our job to work against it to be reunited with the plemora.>>844
Don't read peterstein. If you're going to read anything, read A Squire's Trial by Iron March and The Lightning and the Sun by Savitri Devi.
Yes anon, I already watch the good doctor's lectures every day. I hope he is getting better now.>>845
Jesus, you fucking SJW, fuck off with that nigger-tier literature. How is it even relevant? A person is depressed and the first you thing you think is shilling your ideology for low IQ whites.
Peterson has also contradicted himself numerous times. Even several of his twelve rules, which I might note that you have broken with your scathing response, contradict one another. Jordan B. Peterson has an empty ideology of nothing. His only words are "better yourself and no one else" ultimately. Fascism, however, doesn't present such emptiness. Fascism presents the righteous way of life and the way to make not only yourself but also those around you better. Fascism, unlike Peterson, works upon both internal and external action as opposed to purely using internal action because a fascist understands that you need to better yourself to make the world better but that you also need to better the world to become truly better. If you continue to be content under oppressive labor and satanic oppression then you will always fall back to these dark places.
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Wow, real shit? Damn, you're pretty smart, I'm a fascist now. Yeah no, I don't worship Peterson like a god, he is just one of many people I respect, and he says useful things which I can think about and apply in my life whenever it's appropriate. I don't outsource all my thinking to others or to some authority, you're projecting your own hivemind mentality onto me as if I worship Peterson's every word like you worship Hitler or Marx or whoever the Great Leader is.
And while we're on the topic of generic and vacuous advice, Peterson has a bunch of programs which help people get off of alcoholism and get jobs and fix their lives and there's even research to prove that it works, so it's hilarious hearing that shit as if fascist literature is full of epic self-help manuals that will even make Tim Ferris jealous. I admit, reading fascist books is very motivational and gets you riled up like a Tony Robbins speech, but at the end of the day you're not really learning anything practical or specific to your immediate problems, it's just emotional masturbation with no substance, or a hobby to make you think you're doing something important and involved in a fight to save world and shit just like in those Jewish Hollywood movies we were all raised on, when really you're just waiting for someone else to take action so you can sacrifice your own insignificant collectivist life for them and their cause.
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You people literally more annoying than Jehova's Witnesses at this point, coming into every situation with an agenda to recruit people into your cult, adapting your political religion to any problem regardless of the context and claiming that it is the one-size-fits-all solution to everything (+ maybe whatever brand of pagan flavour of the month LARP you subscribe to). The fact is that you don't really care about Europeans or any of the shit you pretend to care about, you're a self-metastizing cancer that needs to assimilate as many people into your group as possible because collectivists/people with a slave morality are only strong in huge numbers, you don't understand becoming strong on your own first and foremost, practicing virtue as men (selfishness is the crown of virtues, no other virtue is possible without it) and then gathering together as strong men to help each other achieve great things interdependently.
I'm no Christian, but one thing I admire about the Jesus story in particular is how he went and supposedly bore the cross and all the world's sins on his own, all by himself, there was none of that bullshit about gathering into a large faceless, formless crowd and shouting and chimping out together in some fiery revolution until the people with power give them what they want (or in the case of fascists/Marxists, establishing "benevolent" masters in place who will treat their slaves much more kindly).
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>>848>>850>I do respect Jesus because he…
Egyptian's spiritual masterworks were in tombs. Later, Greek spiritual masterworks were in temples open to the public. Most recently, Christianity's spiritual masterworks are present within the individual - that is, Jesus. The Passion story isn't about Jesus, it's about the idea that "The savior of Western civilization" is the Person who voluntarily
approaches the suffering present in his life by lifting up his cross and *carrying it*.
To the fascist, Peterson's idea is not that you should only focus on the self, his idea is that unless we become worthy individuals, we will never have a worthy society. Your philosophy is about how "top-down" society is - that Jews up top control everything (and I'm not saying they don't) but you have to ask who let them rise to power and keep it there?
Even as a fascist, the importance of the "red pill" is paramount, right? That is the same notion - that at the individual level we must change before society can *MEANINGFULLY* change in a lasting way. Peterson's philosophy is Bottom-up, but it's not that way "just because" it's that way because of the events of the 20th century - China, the USSR, Cuba, and other "top-down morality" revolutions NEVER succeeded. (cont)
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The Renaissance did not occur because somebody at the top ordered it to happen, it happened because of individuals discovering beauty, and gradually, the rest of society began to see it for what it was, desire more of it, and implement those aspects of beauty and order in their own lives, to some degree, if not just in hygiene and other forms of expression. A society of doodlers is better than a society of critics who create nothing - so who are our leaders in fascism? Doodlers, or critics? Peterson is certainly a doodler. Hitler? Almost certainly a critic. I'm moving away from fascism even though I know the obliteration of 8ch was absolutely orchestrated and whatnot and I still despise the Christcuck hotwheels for being a traitor kike, but it doesn't mean that the truth isn't the truth.
The bible is the central work of western civilization, and we are loathe to leave its wisdom behind. Even my devout parents couldn't tell me about the actual significance of Noah's ark (A person who readies himself long before the floods of life strike is the shepherd of not only his family, but of animals, and nature itself) Adam and eve (which is more profound than I can describe here) etc.
Once again disregarding the works of the philosopher you crave. Not atypical of most, certainly. Beyond just acknowledging your incessant ad hominem attacks, you say that you read Peterson because he is someone who can inspire you to help yourself and so on and so forth but your speech all but disregards that point. Sarcastic phrases like "oh wow, ur so smart lol" and other childish attacks of the character only defeat your defense of Peterson as they are literally fighting against his advice. Regardless, Peterson's programs are less about helping yourself than they are about relying on others. Not to mention your point about how fascist literature doesn't contain self help writings when that is obviously false. Some of the main points of fascism in the modern day is self help without reliance on others. Fascists advocate meditation and exercise and they advocate working if you're able to help out your family. There are innumerable fascist works, minor and major, that voice these very things. And yeah, sure, a lot of fascist literature may be motivation but it does have substance and it stretches far beyond this fight against the Jews you keep raving about. And as far as the whole, "you're just waiting for someone else to step up" meme goes, you're flat wrong. Although many fascists may have analyzed the current futility of a revolution, this doesn't mean that fascists aren't working against the Jews at all. Many fascists are actively liberating themselves from Jewish products beyond just what is obvious. This isn't to say that all fascists aren't pathetic worms, but every group has their worst people and their best people.
As far as your defense of Peterson goes, it's a good one. First off, you aren't really using fallacies like the other guy.
The big problem that I have with Peterson, however, is that he does motivate a lot of individualism in society, which is only partially agreeable in the way he carries it out. I can agree with you on the fact that we do need to change the people in society largely before we can do much about the people at the top, which is largely the current agenda of fascism. The ones who do go out and commit shootings and such are the ones who are so self-absorbed and obsessed with the Jewish 1% that they lose sight of everything. You do at least seem like an agreeable anon. I would like to hear some more of your wisdom on the bible as well, because the last time I read it I was quite young(er). 👍
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I agree with several of your criticisms of the other anon, but I absolutely give him credit for not being shitposterrific like your average redditard/cuckchanner would be. So there's that.
As far as your criticism of Peterson being too focused on the individual, perhaps, at the cost of the nation, I think I almost wholeheartedly agree, and I maintain that "almost" because of the possibility that I am simply wrong about my belief in the Nation as the foundation of prosperity. Strict individualism which he talks about is almost necessary for the globalism that we do not desire. However, it must be logically separated in us (though unfortunately it is not in the general populace) that the focus on the self should not be mutually exclusive
with concern for the nation-state. If Peterson talked more about nations I would be very happy to hear it - whether I agreed with his views or especially if I disagreed with them!
It seems to me, though, that his only goal is wanting to prevent blind ideological takeover, whether it be Christian, or Muslim, or Liberal/Communist, or Fascist. I can agree with that. Any sort of blind faith is taking a step into the dark ages, no matter how good it looks for the first 10 or 20 years of its existence. Christianity was able to create a civilization for an interesting reason.
Some tidbits, almost all lifted exclusively from his "Psychological Significance of the Biblical Stories" lecture series on Youtube, which I am still watching, as it's very in-depth:
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Jesus is called the King of Kings for a reason - because who is the person who the King of a nation should still be kept humble by? The lowly individual - a carpenter, even - who sacrifices himself voluntarily for the good of the people he loves (who betrayed and killed him, ultimately). In this way, the nobility of a lowly individual with a noble spirit can be seen as superior in a transcendent way to even a high-born king - because after all, he was "truly god, and truly man" meaning every individual had a fragment of divinity of intrinsic value in them - a very interesting idea to have been developed two thousand years ago, and clearly the cornerstone of the American Bill of Rights, conceptually. I did not understand this idea just a year ago, even having gone to catholic school as a child and having devout (and apparently misled) parents.
God spoke and the world was made, and it was good.
We are in the image of god because when we wake up in the morning, all of the Potential of the day is in front of us. We choose a path, "I'm going to make eggs instead of bacon!" and that's what happens. The infinite morass of possibilities (primordial chaos) suddenly forms a concrete reality because of our "logos" - our True speech - and that is what creates the world. All of us have a voice, and we all create our world, but when we speak Truthfully, then what we create is Good. That's the idea of Genesis. First amendment, anyone? High psychological significance.
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Adam and Eve were not the first humans. They were "made" by god and born in paradise - humans are not made by god or born in paradise, we're born from women and into a world of suffering. Cain and Abel were the first humans, and Cain was the older brother. The first person ever to be born was a fratricidal murderer - but worse than that - he was a murderer because he was jealous, refused to change his offerings to God (which were scraps, whereas Abel gave his best) and instead of changing his own ways, he became so resentful and frustrated at God (the overarching organizing principal of the world) that he literally and figuratively killed his own ideal self by killing his brother - a person loved by all, and somebody who he truly wanted to be, except that he just could not figure out how to get there. And by destroying his conceptual idea of what a truly ideal person is, he destroyed his possibility for redemption ("Fuck it homie, I got dumped? Well I'm just gonna fuck and drink and smoke it up") and he cries out to god "My punishment is more than I can bear." Because that's what hell is - God says he will punish anyone who murders Cain, sentencing him to a long life with himself. That's hell. So I look at the image I just uploaded here and think, "Wow, all of those fucking years and I didn't even see this lesson. What else do I not know?">>859
Good luck, anon. Real, actual, sourdough bread does not have as much insulin response because of the bacteria that eat the sugar in it, and it helps your digestion besides. Try it out. Good luck, anon….
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What I wrote about the image wasn't too clear - I meant to say that the understanding I had of religion when I first saved the image was entirely unsophisticated, and now I realize that most arguments against religion are essentially strawmanning, because the legitimate fools who are surface-level "believers" in the stories without understanding the significance of the stories
should NOT be somehow taken as representatives of the value of religion itself. Like, if you have a bad experience with a bad plumber, you wouldn't be right to say "Plumbing is a stupid thing and we shouldn't have it." and, unfortunately, religious institutions are full of "bad plumbers" probably for the same reason politics is full of "bad plumbers" - people are drawn to what they wish they were, and can be sociopathic in that obsession.
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I feel like vomiting again. I hate trying hard for all these job interviews and job applications, it takes me days or even weeks to prepare for this, to risk my health actually going there at a time like this and giving it everything I have, jumping through all their hoops just to get a low-paying difficult job, but all it takes is a second to find out I was rejected and I have to go through that shit again.
I don't really blame any of these companies or anything, I know it's not their fault and that the economy was already bad is quickly going into Great Depression II, and honestly we're all just reacting to the various stimuli that the enlightened central bankers and other wise lawmakers set for us, but damn, I just want to be left alone for once in my fucking life, I want to live by my own terms instead of being forced to settle for less than I am happy with.
Hi. I'm the anon in >>483
. It's me again. After a year, I've come to give a status update on what's happened since then.
I'll be straight with you: I didn't get into the colleges that I wanted to.
Last year, just around this time, I was struggling because I didn't make it into the science competitions that I was studying for. It was a nerve-wracking time for me, and I definitely saw the faults that I continue to see in myself right now. I talked with my parents, cried about it to them, promised I would change.
However much I promised myself I would learn from what I did, the message was lost. I went back to the comfort of the internet.
1) Laziness. I'm the second child. Everything I did, I did after my sister, who is arguably better than me in terms of personality. She has the fire within her, and I have brains but no drive to push myself. So for the longest time, I followed in her footsteps. I never pushed myself to be great, I just sort of cruised on the basis that I could. I got a perfect score on my ACT, got straight A's, 5's on 9 different AP exams, and 800's on 3 different SAT II exams. I was a model student.
But that's not enough.
2) Escapism. I got into 4chan early on in my freshman year. It probably messed me up. I didn't socialize, and I sort of retreated into the easy laughs that anons provided. I got really into it after I failed to make the national team for one of my competitions(given that I was a freshman, that wasn't too unexpected to make top *20* in the entire nation). But because of that, I grew used to being able to drown my sadness in the internet. It was always easier to go and lounge instead of *maybe* talking with friends, or doing homework, or studying. For four years, it's lurked with me.
3) Not learning my lesson. It's easy to say "oh yeah, there's a deadline coming up, I should do it." Ever since then, though, I've been realizing that I never actually learned my lesson. Every time, I always get bailed out. I almost didn't make it into a camp for the summer, almost didn't get the mark I wanted, but everytime, I would have an "oh shit" moment that catapulted my ass into actually doing what I was supposed to have done. As I grew older, I found it increasingly hard to make that happen.
For three years, I made halfassed attempts at making the nationals team for various science olympiads, biology and chemistry. I would just drown my pain in more internet.
Now, I'm dealing with the aftermath of not growing up. At heart, I'm still a little kid, always looking to avoid hardship and pain. I see the people I went to camp with going to the Ivy League, and I'm nearly certain to go to a state school(I think the program historically had 85%+ going to an Ivy/Ivy+ institution). I see them set on being aerospace engineers, biomedical, even one girl who got into a BS/MD program who's going straight into med school.
But all I am is nothing. I still am not sure what I'm going to become. I enrolled as a biochemistry major, sure. Beyond that? I can still transfer schools, and am probably going to grad school. (You see that? I don't even know what I want to end up becoming.) Doctor? Researcher? Professor?
I feel like shit because if I had some idea of what I wanted to do, and had the willpower to get that done, I would be in the clear by now. But I'm not. I'm just me, and I am so sick of it.
Sorry for dropping this here on a Thursday. Please, if you have anything at all to say, send me a message.
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When all this corona shit is all over, I swear I'm going to go out and get married.
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Because I'm almost 26 and fuck not having the life I always wanted.
i don't know if this justifies a post this large, but last night my gf basically was being really heated. Last argument we had she sorta dipped her toes in to personally trying to hurt me and using things i've told her against me. Last night it got worse, whatever embarrassing stuff over the past two years, mocking me for being bisexual, basically just trying to make me feel worse about myself… I'm pretty stressed as is to be honest but I feel like cant continue. argument started because she sent me some messages about a song. I opened it and didn't respond because I was busy, she just ended up deleting it all saying some passive aggressive stuff like "im just gonna leave you alone" "enjoy your game" and apologizing for sending it to make me feel bad then i sent a bunch of messages about how it feels really shit to be treated like that, and how its unrealistic to expect responses that quickly
I really regret opening up and I'm scared of her being all over my social media accounts if we do break up or trying to threaten me or guilt me in to staying..
I want to try to talk my way out I tried to say its hard to handle stress like that when its so fragile, is it best to end the relationship in the most concise/neutral way possible ("could we try taking a break" or some variant) or just block on all platforms or what? she's trying to apologize but I feel like things have just gone too far
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A small podcast I liked had some type of server/memory error so now they're missing half of their podcasts, they were my favorite too. It'd be a minor annoyance normally, but what makes me gloomy is that you can't find it anywhere else online. The producer probably doesn't even have the original files cause the podcast is half a decade old. To add on I only learned this when I googled them cause I was in a mood to re watch them.
It depresses me something can blip off the internet without anyone caring
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My mother has been paying my rent since I moved in my new place, but I have been expected to start paying it myself as soon as possible. With the last month of my lease drawing increasingly near, I started stressing and worrying constantly that I wouldn't be able to and would have to move back home (Extremely undesirable, since my mother has always been very toxic to live with. Plus, I would have to start taking over a one hour long commute to and from school again).
In December of last year, I actually thought that I had finally found a good job but then COVID happened. It is a remote ESL tutoring company based in China that is only mean to supplement material taught in brick-and-mortar classes, so since many schools there started closing due to the pandemic, online tutors were left with very few bookings. Because of this I have been making only a measly $~100 a month with it (My rent has been $710, and I only had $~2000 in savings so if I had to resort to using them I wouldn't have lasted very long, at all.)
At the very least, this tutoring job has had very friendly support staff, has always payed me on time, and has given me full ability to book my own schedule. At my last job, I was constantly being micromanaged, not being paid on time and for the exact hours worked, and had a boss who was always messing up every employee's schedule. I never wanted to work at a place like that ever again, but I'm scared that will happen all over again.
Well, since I have no other option right now, I will have to bite the bullet because I really want to keep living in this apartment. It is spacious, clean, quiet, has very friendly staff, and I was actually lucky enough to end up with a good roommate now.
Sometimes i feel very angry at myself and at other people, my mom is cheating on my dad, when i learned about the fact i asked my older sister what to do, i was prepared to contain the anger of my sister, but she told me to let them sort their own issues, that i had to think about my own well being and not rock the boat, i feel i should scream and denounce the whore of a mother i have.Also learned that my sister is a slut in "open" relationship with her husband,.I feel very angry and very sad.No need to say but i have come to the conclusion that women are only to leech on men and when they become weak and old they are left in the trash.
To summarize i am weak and i feel angry and very sad about the nature of women.The worst of all, if i tell my dad about it, my mom will live in the streets most probably, and i still love her, that makes my anger turn to also intense suffering and self hatred.
Your mother is a whore who has not only betrayed your father, but you and the rest of your family. The very fact that she's cheating shows that she does not give a rats ass even about her own children or offspring. I'm sure she "loves" you as well.
Do the right thing for fucks sake and tell your father.