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Deeds is not the right place for that,
It's like writing down a list of things you like but instead you fill it with stuff you hate.
ill stop tainting it with my bitterness
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I don't feel right, I've been depressed, and every day I feel more sadder and sadder, I see myself as a failure, Things have not worked out for me in the last few years, but I think I maybe deserve it. I don't want to look sad to people, but everyday I wish I was dead, I don't say it, and I don't act like it, but that's it. Life has been a spiral for me, always from bad to worse.
I have a few friends, but lately I barely talk to them, they only come to see me because they know I always lend them my things and do them favors, I feel quite underestimate by them they do not even ask permission to take my things , And when they get bored they leave, They make fun of me and everything I like. I know I'm probably not the best friend, but it's has been hitting me lately.
On the bright side there is a chance to things to improve in the next months, but I'm not sure if it will happen, and I'm starting to doubt it, Things that have happened recently have made me aware that it could always be worse so I'm a little grateful.
Anyway, that's my blog, I really don't expect people to care about it, but it feels good to have written it.
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For a second there I thought you were me. Though I've decided I don't want to be dead, and can usually manage being content, times like now I face a dilemma. Irredeemable sorrow that can only be deferred with sleep, yet I endure it because I dread tomorrow. Happened before and will happen again, it's a terrible feeling.
I do hope that that chance works out for you. Also, this might be a long shot, but perhaps there is someone else like you putting up with those same friends? Could be possible to meet a good friend through a not so good one.
or something like that
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I know I feel sad but I don't like thinking about the reasons why I feel sad. I've had "depression" for so long that I don't know who I am without it. If I have a period where I'm feeling better, I find myself almost wishing I was back to being sad, even though that's stupid and I feel guilty for thinking that way. I guess it's comfy in a way, it's almost addictive. I find myself shutting myself off from the world even though I know I should be making efforts to go outside, I listen to a lot of sad and darker music, it's like my whole life revolves around feeling bad. I don't understand why I'm like this, it's not like I enjoy feeling bad, when it's bad it really sucks like really really sucks, like torture. But I can't change.
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I never have many friends. Usually only 1 or 2, and since I don't have any other friends, I hang around them all the time. Every time I make friends, I start worrying that they don't really like me and that I'm just a bother to them, to the point that it becomes a constant source of stress whenever I'm around them and I eventually stop talking to them. Then I move on to a new friend and start over because I'm afraid to talk to them again. I'm sure that some of them don't actually hate me, but I'm too nervous to message them again right out of the blue.
It's gotten to the point that I have this mindset that it's just natural that I wouldn't have any friends, or that I don't deserve to have friends, and I often find myself thinking "Wow, I wish I had friends" and stuff like that even though I actually do have one, and feeling really guilty about it because I feel like I'm insulting him. I know I'm just being dumb and overthinking things, but social stuff makes me really nervous, and my first instinct is to think that everyone hates me. I'm worried that I'm going to drift away from my current friend and go back to being alone.
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I was so close to having a gf. She was even more emotionally fucked up than I was, and I think she split off from me thinking that she was being abusive toward me, and I think I was feeling like I was the one who was the problem.
The only real issue she has (aside from the many many other ones such as smoking cigarettes/pot, having an explosive temper, being a diagnosed schizophrenic, etc.) is that she has never had a space where she could express her feelings constructively. I feel like every other problem in her life stems from that.
I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter - she said she was feeling worthless, like she "Didn't belong here." that she "should be hated by everyone." etc., and I sperged the fuck out thinking I was going to lose her. So what did I do? I basically threatened her by saying I was going to drive over to her house and honk my horn until she came out. She immediately went from sounding depressed to extremely angry, and I realized I was a fucking autist who *actually* is probably not meant to be with anyone, because I *ALWAYS* fuck things up with something like that.
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The sperg-out before that was when she was telling me she didn't like the shape of her boobs - I thought she was being super duper serious about it, but it was totally casual, and I overreacted that time, too. I realized only too late that I react so strongly to womens' body image issues because of a girl I was in puppy love with when I was an early teen. She had the scar sleeves all up both of her arms, but I remember her telling me that she was "trying to love herself" (same thing almost-gf said when I sperged out) and then she showed me the scars on her legs.
I swear to fucking god, those scars on her legs were the stuff of gore - half to 3/4ths of an inch thick scars going all the way across her thighs, like, a dozen of them - some pale and faded like her skin, others pink and very fresh. I knew she had been hospitalized for cutting before, but I hadn't realized that even just seeing what she did to herself was traumatizing for me. My memories come back to haunt me every fucking time I try to do something good. I fucking hate it.
It's not like it was just emotional, either - she said she loved me, she had gotten physical with me, soaked a pair of my pajama pants that she borrowed from me with her lady-juice, when she came over and had crawled into bed with me once, etc. She just completely shut herself out whenever I got testy about her doing something wrong. I wish I could have told her that pulling her close to me would be worth it, even if it I had to pull a spike through my body along with her - I am dead anyway, and pain is always there. I just wanted to feel good for a while. I have worked so hard for so long, yet I still deserve nothing, and receive as much.
>>227>I wouldn't say your reactions are spergy if you've had a legitimately traumatizing experience like that in the past
100% legitimately have had many traumatizing experiences in the past. Being molested, older protective sister dying when we were young, parents being insane, etc.
It's like if you've never had stability in your life, the universe makes you work so fucking hard for every tiny morsel of normalcy. It hurts so bad sometimes, and what's even worse, is that I feel like unless I meet someone who understands this because of personal experience, then I will never be able to be close to them. I'm attracted to damaged people because I feel like they'll know what it feels like, and we'll know what the other is looking for, emotionally - not just a fuck buddy, like, a real bond.
>, It can be very hard to tell if someone really just wants some space or if they secretly just want you to keep chasing them
This was very helpful to hear, I really didn't know she had made up her mind like that and I was only trying to help, even if it was in a really stupid way. I still didn't think about it in context, because yeah, that is harassment, and they would be right to call the police on me if I did something like that.
It makes me think of that saying "Love makes people do stupid things." but I feel like in my case it's more of a desperate obsession than something pure, so it was still my wrong, even if it is understandable.
Yeah dude, what >>229
I know this is hard and I'm sure you cared about her, but I've been there and done that, trying to love someone like her just ends up hurting you and never really gets any better, at least in my experience.
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Yeah, it makes a lot of sense when you put it that way…I guess I was just dreaming of helping her get out of her kind of unstable situation, which has been created through no fault of her own.
She's definitely not a bad person, just has never had anyone around her truly consider her feelings - meaning, no emotionally healthy people around her to look to for guidance, or even just imitation. Mom was a violently abusive alcoholic who died when she was 8. Her dad drinks now, but he couldn't provide enough stability for her to live with him, so she would float around alot. It's so sad. She was starting to become more girly and self-expressive in an attempt to get away from her past, and I would day dream of us helping each other make a new life. I suppose it is better to leave the dream untouched, than to try and forcefully build it halfway, only to see it fall apart. If it were meant to happen, I suppose it would have.>>231
I think at least in this case, I learned something about myself which will help me in the future. A lot of effort to go to for one small step towards emotionally healthy relationships, but I guess if we start off with setbacks, we can only work harder or give up. >>229>>231>>230
Thank you for the support guys, this one was pretty tough. In the end, gf or not, I guess all we can do is try to move forward.
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My life is shit. Pure shit. I have so many issues I need to work on. I want to get therapy but I'm so terribly afraid to even make a phone call to schedule an appointment. Also too afraid to ask my parents for help even though I know they would be supportive. someone save me please. I'm gonna die if I don't change but I don't want to die.
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You said it, if you really want to live you have to change your ways, try to do the first step, it may be very hard at first so take your time but try to do it.
“It's bitter,” Rakka protests. Reki smiles. “That's because it's medicine.”
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I had to text my mom about it otherwise i would have never got help. I even had to make it sound like I wanted to go for anger management (something she could sort of understand) but told my counselor everything as soon as we were 1 on 1. It can be surprisingly easy to talk to a stranger about your problems, too, I think because it doesn't carry the same emotional baggage as would telling someone you know well. I hope that helps
Thanks for your responses lads. I just mentioned it to my mom, I get a bunch of free sessions under my Dad's job insurance plan whatever thing, but now that's another phonecall I need to make T_T. I'm gonna do it today though, I can't stand to live this life of cowardice any longer.>>237
So if you didn't go for anger management, what did you go for? Did you find it helpful at all?
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I talked a bit with my Father and he gave me money.
It's for paying my loan.
And buy some college stuff.
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I couldn't muster the courage to make the phone calls myself. I told my mom and she did it for me, how humiliating.
I feel fucking pathetic, but at least the wheels are in motion now.
It's okay man, at least the phone calls were made.
Don't worry too much I admit I have done it sometimes too.
You know what? When we need help, but don't ask for it, it's because we are too scared to ask for help. That's where I'm at right now. You are more brave than me, for what it's worth.
It's weird, I don't know why I was scared either.
I think a large part of it is something that a lot of us guys struggle with: admitting weakness and vulnerability.
There's probably a lot more than just that but that's the only reason I could think of for me aside from my anxiety.
I've been having the same thoughts. On one hand, it seems different to me, because I have absolutely no qualms saying "Fuck no, I can't lift that heavy object" or "Dude, I'm gonna take a break, I'm beat." but now when it comes to emotions, there's a sense that I'm just complaining/whining about nothing. I guess it might be because it's one thing to say "I'm weak" and another to say, "I'm weak, and I need some help."
In any case, how has your experience been so far, if you've started your visits already?
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I don't think I'm capable of love. I feel like a reptile, in that I'm capable of being 'fond' of someone, but I don't feel anything more than that.
X is head over heels in love with me, but I can't bring myself to feel the same way in return. I'm okay with treating our relationship as a business partnership, but X isn't a cold reptile like I am. X needs emotional and physical fulfillment. Something I can't provide.
I have no feelings of love to give. I have no sex drive. We share similar interests, and that's the only thing that keeps us together. I rejected meeting with X today, since this feeling of dread and guilt has become too much to bear. I need my alone time like I need oxygen, but X doesn't seem to understand.
Maybe I'm being cruel in prolonging this? I have been thinking about killing myself a lot lately, not that I'm depressed, just that everything has become such a hassle lately. Apathy and detachment are my entire identity.
Life inside imagination land is infinitely more fulfilling than real life at this point.
Any other schizoids in here?
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There's this girl I've been thinking about asking out, a few days ago I had a perfect chance but I couldn't bring myself to do it, every part of me felt like it was screaming "nononono". I feel like I don't have my depression under control enough to get into a relationship, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about this girl. Part of me really wants to do it anyways for a few reasons. We've got a few mutual interests (one of which being my favorite games of all time), she seemed kinda(?) interested in me, I've been pretty happy with my looks recently, and it's been months since I've felt genuinely interested in someone. she's also really cute
During the day while I'm in class, I'm constantly fighting off feelings that nothing matters and that I should just give up. I know that's not true, and there are things in life that matter, I'm just having trouble coming up with concrete reasons and ideas as to why I should keep going.
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I've been losing interest in my hobbies as well. I've never been great at staying consistent with my guitar practice, but today when I was trying to practice I had to stop halfway through because I just felt awful.
Then there's the fact that I haven't been able to find a new friend group (aside from my flatmates) since I broke up with my old one. I know where I should start looking for a new one, but I can't summon the motivation to do it.
I don't feel like I'm completely hopeless, there are glimmers of happiness occasionally, and I've been really enjoying reading books lately. Even so I can't help but feel like I'm not ready to date again. I've flipped between "I shouldn't ask her out" and "I will definitely ask her out" at least 3 times now.I don't feel like I've come any closer on making a decision but I feel a bit better now that I've written all this out.
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That sounds difficult fam, I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I have heard from an expert that being in an intimate relationship helps with depression. Now I certainly don't fully understand the complexity of your situation, but I think you should ask her out.
>During the day while I'm in class, I'm constantly fighting off feelings that nothing matters and that I should just give up. I know that's not true, and there are things in life that matter, I'm just having trouble coming up with concrete reasons and ideas as to why I should keep going.
Nothing matters but you. It's up to you to find your own meanings and truths. Ask this girl out, she might help you bring meaning to the world.>>258
My friend, I know that feel all too well. When you have nothing and you live day by day in front of a computer screen just wasting away. There is no joy, only meaningless escapism to keep you distracted from the failures of your life. It's a horrible way to live and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I still have a long way to go to climb out of this hell but I've made a lot of progress, the things that helped me the most are to: get plenty of sleep, drink plenty of water, stop eating garbage (cut out sugar completely), and start working out. If you do all these things I guarantee you will feel 9001% better and you can upward spiral yourself into finding a rad hobby to replace mindless chanbrowsing with or to improve other aspects of your life and make friends etc. The hardest part is breaking the bad habits you've developed over the years, so start small. I'd recommend fix your sleeping schedule and working out first. Maybe try to find a job if you don't have one now, even a shitty job will help, look at it as an opportunity to strengthen yourself.
The politics over the past couple of years was adversely affecting my mood.
Last year I made a change: Use the internet for fun
No more social media, only non vitriolic 4chan boards (toy, f, out, ck), and vidya
In that area at least it has helped
no /an/ ? wow
but you make a good point about having fun.
a buddy of mine used to tell me he'd do something similar but with music. you can really brainwash yourself with music to better your mood or just to keep you on track.
At least once a week I have thoughts about what would happen if I died. What people would say about me, how they would feel, etc. It's really unpleasant and I don't want to die. I occasionally have unwanted thoughts about other death related stuff but never directly about killing myself. I don't know what frequency/intensity of these sorts of thoughts warrants talking to someone (I already talk to a shrink, I'm just worried that if I mention it, he'll advise me to drop out of college). The prospect of talking to someone close to me about it terrifies me for some reason, I don't know why I'm so afraid of asking for help.
I have friends, but I pretty much never see them and I think it's having a big effect on my mood. I need to make new friends. I made a few acquaintances at clubs that I think I like, but I'm not sure how to transition into hanging out with them regularly. I think I just need to ask them to get food sometimes? I just need to get over my irrational fear that they're just pretending to enjoy my company.
Sometimes I feel functional enough to ask someone out on a date, but then some tiny thing will derail my emotional state and I'll be sent back to square one, where I tell myself I'm too depressed for a relationship. I've gone through this cycle a few times and it feels like I get a little bit closer each time, but the emotional whiplash is really draining. I know depression don't make you incapable of being in a relationship, I'm just not sure what constitutes feeling stable enough for one.
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update: I went out with some people from the club and had some pizza and some drinks. I think they enjoyed my company, even though I stuttered a bunch. my other problems haven't magically disappeared but things are a little less terrible.
polite sage for blogpost
I feel like I'm the cusp of something like a psychological molt.
I'm a grungry sort of dweeb with bad hygiene and a lot of anger issues. I don't dress or look like a normalfag, and that keeps people away from me, but I think I am starting to outgrow my social isolation, because I am starting to get really lonely. My thoughts are turning to ones about how understandable it is that people would not want to be around me, and then they turn to what I might do to change that, or at least die trying (half joking).
I have long hair and I wear a beard, I wear lots of black, ride a motorcycle, and wear band shirts. I'm thinking about throwing it all away and trying to start over. I just feel like the past is going to haunt me, and/or some distraction might prolong my complacence anyway.
I've been writing in my journal a lot lately. 5-6 pages a day maybe 5 days a week, and that's helping, but I duno, I still wish I had someone to talk to about it.
Very much thanks to anyone who read, whether you're going to respond or not.
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How do you deal with chronic ugliness? (and other things)
I'm ugly inside and out. My back and legs are covered with stretch marks. My jawline and chin are practically nonexistent. And I have a low sloping neanderthal forehead.
If that wasn't bad enough, I have no social skills and pretty bad anxiety. In recent years I've become resentful of everyone and everything. I hate everything. And I'm afraid of everything. I'm lonely but at the same time I don't want to make friends, I hate people. And I hate myself for being such a mess. I just want to be a decent person, I want a gf, a girl who I can love and live for and who will love me in return. But I realize no girl would want anything to do with me, why would she? I'm ugly inside and out.
Personally I'd go with physical health as a way to get out of that rut. It's not a lie that exercise makes you feel better. It just does. Like, just try doing some light exercise one time. You might end up exhausted, but you can then go home, shower, and sleep. You'd feel great when you woke up. Going to the gym every week would be a way to start feeling better.
Then extend your self improvement to other walks of life: reading, studying etc. Physical and growing mental health will already be enough to make you feel a lot better, and more socially interesting to others. Then you'll have the ugly on the inside problem down. And with exercise you'll be on your way to being at least normal on the outside (not everyone is super attractive, but you don't have to be). I'm sure that if you had a nice personality, there's bound to be some nice girl out there who would like you (maybe not a supermodel, but almost no-one gets that).
Finally, try to be more social in whatever area of life you can i.e. work or school to start making better relationships. If you go in hating people you aren't going to get anything out of socialising, and you definitely aren't going to meet anyone.
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I've realised that I'm the quintessential example of what a loser is. I'm also aware that the simple reality of that being the case itself determines the past, present and future.
It's all encompassing at every level and I'm past delusions of repair. I want to just vanish but some annoying part inside me is desperately clinging on the hope that I'll end up not meeting the same fate as all other losers despite already being on the one way road there.
I feel like I'm lost.
Back in high school I used to have a good idea of what I wanted to do; become a decent graphic designer. However, halfway into higher education for this I realized the job is too competitive and stressful for me.
On top of this, I also concluded I hated being male and that made me sad.
The carpet got pulled from underneath me.
I dropped out of higher education twice now because in all honesty I want to cut my dick off and I can't concentrate because every real girl around me makes me feel worthless and it's hard not to obsess over it.
Right now I'm a NEET and I don't want to be one. I want to do *something* with my life aside from transition and I'm even very motivated to do *anything*, even factory work if need be. But functioning as a normal person is difficult.
I take pills to aid me in transition, but at the same time these make me physically weaker, so I can't do simple physical labour jobs and get fatter easily because my muscles have been getting weaker. I've been rejected for a job 7 times now and counting and I just want out of this spiral of failure and do something again to fill my days.
I'm looking forward to one day living comfortably with a stable job and being seen as a woman by those I care about. But until then, I feel stuck in a dark hole where I'm an absolutely useless, weak, ugly faggot that has to practice his make up in secret because he's too ashamed of admitting it to his supportive family.
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I was actually tempted to post the same image as that but went with koe instead.
Truly we are of the same feather.
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Try to stop being ugly on the inside for starters.>>320
It's literally never too late, the only delusion is that you think you are beyond repair. You are very likely not even over 40, meaning you are still YOUNG, and have plenty of life left in you. Seriously, this breed of uberNEETs and young men who think they're inherently worthless for some reason are underestimating what the human is capable of.>>321
Please re-evaluate what your happiness means to you. It should be not be contingent on your perceived gender. I can't say much about employment because for all I know you live in Venezuela, but if you are consistent in applying and build a wealth of knowledge, social connections and motivation, opportunities will appear.
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I can't help but love debate and good discussion, but at the same time I hate speaking in a group. End result is I half get my point across while accidentally repeating myself a couple times, fighting to keep my voice from shaking and body from trembling, and I hate it. At the end of class the teacher said that it was good to hear me speak, and now I'm almost certain it was noticeable. Then later I actually had fun talking with a couple of classmates, up until we parted ways, when I started freaking out about whether I actually contributed anything or if they would have been better off if I didn't speak at all. I don't know what the correct interpretation is.
Why am I like this. I wish it would stop.
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im miserable for no good reason, i've been bottling it up for so many years it's gotten worse and wo rse and this year it's at it's peak. i've tried killing myself at least ten times this year alone. i failed every single one because im too much of a pussy to go through it all. today i almost just slit my wrists but i was too scared to do it so i just ended up cutting my thighs. i'm not happy, the girl i like doesn't like me in the same way i do, i'm awful at speaking i'm always using words such as "like" or "uh" to think of what im going to say, i talk too loud because i never learned to get an inside voice, i stutter, i make myself seem stupid, i have no talents, i have no hobbies, i have nothing to keep me distracted from my suffering other than drugs, i get high/drunk at least twice a week, i masturbate at least once everyday, i'm so lonely, i only have one friend, the girl i mentioned earlier, in reallife, she's moving to miami and i'll never see her again. literally just want to fucking end it already.
Yes, I'm flying into Kansai at night and will spend the next two days there, then will be in Kyoto for the next 5 days, then back to Osaka for another few. I'm hoping to hanami in Kyoto before it's too far past peak, though all the travel sites say peak ended 3 or 4 days ago :(>>333
Arigato Anon-kun. I will take you with me in my heart
and also take pictures and post some here when I'm back!
I'm excited for you! :)
Have fun and be safe anon <3
Might be a good idea for >>>/gf/
I cried today. I've gotten choked up over stuff in the past year, but tears wouldn't come. It wasn't full on bawling, but the tears that did come felt much better than the usual dull ache I feel when I'm down.
I was listening to a new artist I had found and was watching some of the music videos, this first one started making me ache a little bit, I spend lot of time in my room alone working on things, watching things. The walking around, stretching, rubbing his face, etc, just felt like stuff I do all the time when I'm alone in my room.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM8-yz0y96Y
This second video is what broke me, the sense of isolation I get from the music combined with footage of walking around a carnival alone resonates too strongly with what I experience everyday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCa0g9GEs-A
Reading this back now this feels pathetic but I guess I'll post it anyways. If I have friends, why do I feel so alone?
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slipping through my finger veins i lose my mind on vain thoughts of moments passt and gone
i squish it like its nothing its nothing to me sometimes i beg it please be something
let it all out i just get filled up again tipping it out a cycle rain to groundwater again
i hate i guilt i trip i cry only on the inside
alone i hate it when you come beg something from me i expect only cruelty get off me with your white lies
i want this world iced solid frostbit black when i see the maggots crawling hurting those who cant fight back my rage goes overflowing
worthless waste of time im the only one bleeding in my basement once again sickening myself and im smashing my wrist against it once again and again
i hate it when i feel this way at 2am im swerving out of control and losing my mind on my self made crucifix of loneliness, and emptiness, as i feel the suffering, of everyone, i fall down into the earth into my hell no jesus im a demon where i belong suffering i choose it for myself everytime i see the light i always forsake it
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I sorta want to really refine this one and make it a song or something I think i've gotten pretty okay at this FL studio stuff by now
in art club i draw hands the teacher comes up to me in sunlight and tells me she used to too and i feel so right, i'm finally right, this is my place it took me to senior year but i found it goodbye darkness goodbye nightmare i'm feeling like a wide girl yamabuki high hidamari apartments i finally made it, but i forgot the other wide, my body headless falls down when you make your spiteful commment i see you had crutches but i just thought i'd respect your personal space and let you speak up if you wanted me to touch but no i guess you just have to ruin this with your passive agressive bitch sledgehammer and start fucking shit up now you hate me now i'm not welcome here now i don't even help girls with cruches what a monster how cruel but I guess that's just another gossip thing to add to your behind my back conversations, about how i'm a creep school shooting looking weirdo probably peering through your windows, but i'm not the creep i stay to myself you're the creep i see you taking a picture of me think you're sly with the selfie cam, i see you post it right to snapchat followed by sadistic giggling at the autistic kid again,
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but at least i don't look like my dad's also my uncle cause you do and i stay to myself yeah i do i stay so damn to myself i don't trust anyone sometimes i think my parents wanna kill me with a sweet liquor fake love coating to hide the poison in the anti depressent medicines id rather self medicate i'm paranoid about all that establishment shit i have no groups to go to because now i see that they all just hate me they just want something from me you're all lowly fucking animals you're maggots you're bugs i wanna squish you no gun just my bare hands armstrong style goodbye baby, *-
** help me it hurts i have to scream shaking with rage smashing my fist on the vinyl painting it redder with each swing
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I'm tired of being a no life loser who wastes all my free time behind the computer screen in my room.
What are some things normal people do?
I was asked the question the other day by a cute girl at work who for some bizarre reason had taken a mild interest in me. The convo went something like this:
>so anon what things do you like to do?
>well I like video games I guess
>oh so you're a gamer? that's cool, what else do you like?
>cmon what other things do you do? You don't just sit and play video games all the time right? haha :)
>(starting to panic) n-no
and spaghetti ensued
In truth, I probably average about two hours max a day of video gaming, the rest of the time I just mindlessly browse the internet, youtube, imageboards, and other equally retarded time sinks. I've been wanting to /improve/ in this area for some time now but this experience is the final straw for me. I'm so tired of living this way but I don't even know what else to do. Can anyone out there relate?
I have a small circle of work friends but we don't hang out often and when we do all we do is go out to the movies.
If you have read this post and feel like you don't have much advice to offer, I still want to hear from you. What are some things you like to do in your free time?
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just find a proper hobby anon and stick to it. nothing wrong with video gaming if that's really what you like. have you ever thought about learning game programming or design? you can make stuff pretty easy with unity, source, or unreal. it's literally never been easier.
or maybe there's something else you like to do but have been putting off a lot lately. as an example, for me it's reading. i like reading but it can be hard to take the first step and just read a single paragraph or page. i've been reading the same book for the past 3 months.
it can help to set a really small goal each day and just progress from there. maybe read 5 pages or spend 10 minutes doing what you want to do. walk around 1 block. do that for a few days, or a week, and increase it to 10 pages, 20 minutes, or 2 blocks. anything is better than nothing.
As another anon already said, you just need to find a hobby you're comfortable with ! For me it's writing music, making glitch art (Though i usually don't say anything about it to people irl unless i'm sure that they understand what it is.) and playing pump it up. Even though pump is a game, i still consider it a like a smaaaall hobby. Making music is the easiest thing today. You can steal
buy a DAW from any torrent tracker for free, get a few plugins the same way and start trying stuff. That's exactly how i started doing it after being inspired by some people.
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Really stressing out right now. In reality it's probably an extremely minor issue but I'm a total loser so it's a big deal to me.
Ok so there's this girl at my job who has had a crush on me for a while now. She's really shy and so I'm really shy so we have never spoken before. I've known she's liked me for a few weeks now but still havn't talked with her cause I'm a fucking loser. Today at work two of her friends cornered me and pressured me into saying that I would talk to her tomorrow. Now my pride is at stake. If I don't talk to her I'll look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd and if I do talk to her I'll spill my spaghetti and still look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd.
How should I approach this situation? How do I talk to her without making an ass out of myself? I'm really not super good a talking to people, especially girls, especially when I've already psyched myself out beforehand.
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There is no 'strategy' that will somehow guarante a well spoken conversation.
I'd advise you to medidate before work or do something else that will put you in a relaxed mood. You're at your best when you are not tense.
Here are good articles, some of which may help you out betterhttps://www.succeedsocially.com/
>>387>If I don't talk to her I'll look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd and if I do talk to her I'll spill my spaghetti and still look like a fucking loser pussy faggot nerd
don't focus on how you "look like"
do whatever you feel is right, but know the difference between anxiety telling you no and your heart or brain telling you no.
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k so I talked to her friends and asked them what time she was going on break and conviently decided that I would take my break at the same time. Psyche myself up totes ready to do this walk into the break room aaaaand shes talking on the phone to someone else. I go back to work after 15 minutes. Tell her friends what happened and feel bummed out. A little bit later I run into her again on the floor and she slips me a note with her number on it.
So now I have her number so wtf do I do now why am I such a clueless anxious loser fuuuuuuuck
Wait until tomorrow send her a text saying "Hey! Would love to grab some coffee, are you free today?"
You have it easier since she already has a crush on you, but just make the message casual and approachable
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I'm all fucked up and broken. I've got serious brain problems and emotional problems and I can't tell where each begins and ends. I can't even understand any of it so I can't even try to fix it. I don't want to live but I'm too scared to die. I'm really tired and I don't know how I can keep going on, but I still wake up every morning to that feeling of dread at being alive still. I wish I could afford to numb or kill myself with something like heroin but I can't afford anything as a skillless hikki/neet living on pity money/shelter from my one remaining relative. I'm just so tired of being, I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life.
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I've been going through similar shit. I really fucked up my brain with shitty otc highs, dph, dxm. Too antisocial to even score weed.
I don't know what your problem is, but have you seen a doctor at all? Journaling is also a really good way to begin to understand yourself and your problems. It also helps you explain your symptoms better if you were to ever see a doctor.
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>>395>seen a doctor
Yeah, but you know how it is. If they can diagnose your problems are they tend not to be outright fixable, and the stuff they can't diagnose they just kind of shrug their shoulders about.
>Journaling is also a really good way
What kind of journaling do you suggest? Sometimes I write in a journal, but it's usually just stuff like my post. It helps feel a bit better, but I don't usually understand too much.
Try to write when you are feeling really shitty, and work through what might be the root of it. It won't be easy at first, but keep at it. You will begin to see patterns in your behavior and that will further help you identify what exactly is the problem.
You said that you wake up feeling this way, though, and that makes me think it may be something wrong chemically in your brain. The obvious and generic questions like, how is your diet, do you exercise, do you get sun, do you get proper socialization, all seem mundane but they can all equally have a great effect on your mental health. Being sedentary and hikki will make you miserable.
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I see, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the help anon. Goodnight and pleasant dreams.
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My mother has been on disability for the past 2 weeks, and trying to help her on top of dealing with my own problems is making me mentally exhausted as fuck. If anything worse happened to her, if she couldn't walk, I would either have to run away or kill myself. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest sibling and the only one who is still not occupied with school. I w a n t t o f u c k i n g d i e
Since 2017, i've been recovering from a strange condition that i wouldn't call depression, as i imagine its much worse than i had. My condition was that i was always sad, unmotivated and wouldn't want to do anything unless its necessary and even so, i would try to avoid doing it anyway. When i started to see improvement in start of 2017, i was quite happy. Fast-forward to 2018, i've been able to say that i'm happy to be live, which i wouldn't even imagine saying back in 2013-2016. But the only thing that always bothered me is that i have no skills. Not as in social skills, thankfully that's not a big problem for me. As in: music, drawing, writing, etc. I've tried it before in that 2013-2016 period, failed, said "Oh well, whatever." And stopped trying, but in that period is wasnt a normal functioning human. And now when i could even say that i'm happy, i realised that i want to create my own things, especially i realised that in the past month or two. And this creates like a small dark hole in my heart that keeps growing. I feel useless. I've tried drawing for three years, writing for a whole year and a bunch of other smaller things that are not as creative. And i've never seen improvement with them. I just want to make something that's mine.
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Even though this sounds so obvious to me now, i've never tried it. But will. Thank you, anon. Have a catto in exchange for your advice.
Always remember that, when it comes to learning, anything is possible. If you really didn't make any progress drawing in those 3 years, it's not because you can't learn it, but rather because your method of learning is wrong - >>409's advice sounds like it could help you, so I'm glad to hear you're trying with that in mind now.
Draw every day for at least a few minutes, draw anything you like. Think of characters you like and draw those, even if they turn out horrible - it's normal. Draw inanimate objects like shelves, boxes, a room, a house, anything. Draw to get used to shapes and 3D logic, to better remember body dimensions and later on muscle structure and anything related. Definitely use references with any of the things listed above as well! You can't get used to correctly imagining something if you aren't reminded of what it really looks like on a regular basis - this is one of the most important aspects. I'm not good at drawing myself, I rarely practice since I'm not good with prioritizing things, but I found that the hands I draw aren't as terrible as they could be, compared to people of a similar skill-level, and that is most likely because hands are the most aesthetic, coolest part of body to mean, so they are burnt into my mind way more than most of the other parts.
Keep yourself motivated with what you are already aware of, all the power you will have once you got around to being a good artist. You can draw for your family and / or friends, for communites you're in; you can offer commissions and draw your own characters and stories. But only if you keep at it, there are no excuses to skip practice!
Study & practice for your brain to get this!
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Happy birthday anon
days are dark now but alway rember happy day
Thanks, anons. That warms my heart.
As you could see, I was really hitting a low point. I listened to a CD of a war veteran (Soldier A) talking about his life and how he overcame his alcoholism, and he said something that really spoke to me. He said, "Nothing needs to change for everything to change, the only thing that needs to change is my perspective." He had spent 30 years living with a disability - blown off leg and internal organ infections - because of the war, that happened on a mission to rescue another soldier (Soldier B), who had survived, but with horrible injuries - one arm that got stitched on backwards, both legs off at the hip, no eyes, feeling in only two fingers…
He touched base with that soldier 30 years later, but for a long time A was resentful that B never said "Thank you for rescuing me" and A lived with that Truth (from his perspective) for a long time, but then he was going to write that to B in a letter. Keeping it short, his wife said "Don't send that" and so A re-wrote it, and while doing so he realized he never once thought, "Why was soldier B there anyway?" It was because soldier B was part of a team being sent to rescue him
, and nobody had EVER said thanks to Soldier B for going into the jungle and being injured far worse than soldier A had been, and it was like his whole life changed at that moment. (cont)
So that really moved me, and I decided that instead of being sad that I have no friends outside of work, I decided that I would try to just be grateful for all of the people who I do get along with at work. Nobody was going to throw me a party, so I bought a bunch of pizza and decided to throw them
a party, sort of as a thank you for them just being there all the time and talking to me, even if we're not friends outside of work or anything…I can be ungrateful for everything I don't have, or I can be grateful for what I do have…and I'm grateful for all of you here, too. Thank you so much, anons. Here's a link to an mp3 rip of that CD I was listening to, in case any of you are curious. It's in english only…https://mega.nz/#!j8Y2FIZC!tIOzPL4SvfAlhHLNmVZnxA4-Riy2eQVLDiSTyHkILGw
This is incredibly inspiring
You are a wonderful human
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I really owe it all to everyone else for opening my eyes to that possibility, but I also temper my enthusiasm knowing that rome wasn't built in a day, nor will the many years of depressing thoughts and habits change overnight. I still find myself being unnecessarily negative, but I'm trying to actively think of specific ways to sustain a healthier perspective.
Like right now I'm sort of being a blob after work - same routine as before. I can't do the same thing every day and expect change, I need to go on hikes or something. So I'm still working on it…but I haven't thought about suicide or anything even close since I heard that talk (I still recommend it) and that's definitely where my thoughts were taking me, so hopefully I will get better….
You try to get better too, okay? Everyone has something that's bothering them or something they want to work on, so do you best!!! I believe in you…please post whenever you could use some support, too…I'll be here.
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I will be going to an amusement park 3 hours away with a group of people from my job that I've never hung out with before.
They will be here to pick me up in a couple of minutes
Anxiety levels are off the charts…
I just wanna have fun why can't I be like normal people?
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How did it go, anon?
It was meh, not best night of my life tier but by no means horrible
In the end I'm glad I went but I wish I had talked more with everyone, I kinda shied away at times and just was by myself not participating
That's only normal if you're a really shy person to begin with. You need the familiarization, and it won't come with the first or even second or third time - most likely it will take at least 5 more times in which you actively decide to participate in such events and endure the slight embarrassment you feel due to your introverted nature. The next few times might also feel harder to attend because, obviously, on top of your shy nature you might now also feel failure and frustration, because you can't succeed this quick.
However, it will get better; it just takes a while. Point is, you need to keep up with these things despite them feeling awkward, because you need to endure that awkwardness.
I can promise you this will work without a doubt and I'd be willing to bet my lifesavings that you will feel fully integrated into the group 100% by the 15th event at maximum. I can also promise you that, by then, you'd at least possess double, or even triple the confidence you have now - and in general, not just among the people you have become used to.
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I hate to do things, I hate to have to do things, I hate to have to do a Phonecall or small things like feeling obligated to go outside, I sometimes felt obligate to talk to familiars and I hate it, I hate the feeling, I always miss everything important, because I hate it, It feels like a burden, most things just feels like a burden, I don't know what's wrong with me.
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we each have different social limits and skills. hanging out with other humans requires navigating differences, and it's OK that you don't quite feel like your popular friends. if it exhausts you, just do it once and a while.
can you say more about this "aura"?
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there are so many of us, the disenfranchised. This should be seen as a problem and it's wierd that it's not. Nobody really cares. "no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own". But this isn't how it should be. It feels wrong. Why are we here. Why has no one come to save us. Hope is a disease.
Can we ever know if it was always like this? [1/2]
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Are we just a modern lens over the Truth? The deepest human Truth? That life and suffering are one and the same? Why live in that case? I keep going, you keep going, perhaps thrust onwards by spite. Or maybe our biological instinct to not die. Are there more of us now? Or are we just more aware of this thanks to advanced communication technologies? What's worst about this is we cannot know the answers to these questions. I'm sure we all have our theories about such things bttut we can't KNOW. The universe doesn't give a shit about knowing.Our emergant systems don't give a shit about knowing. So here we gather. Writing overly pretentious monologues anonymously, with full knowledge that even this medium, where we have formed so many connections over the years, is dying, being replaced by corperate, sterile substitutes. And everyone just eats it up because we're all chasing that dopamine hit, which we are so starved of. So alienated from ourselves that we live an unreality.
what the fuck does that even mean. I don't know, but it somehow makes sense to me. I've been locked up in my room for god knows how long, this is no life. This is no life. I want to dive into the internet head first, and never come out again. That's more real than meatspace now. I've had more visceral interactions online than could even be possible in meatspace. Let me in. I beg my monitor to swallow me whole, but all it does is vomit the text i type in futility back up at my eyes.
"The wired might actually be thought of as a highly advanced upper layer of the real world. In other words, physical reality is nothing but an illusion, a hologram of the information that flows to us through the wired. "
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damn what a shitty day
glad its over but now im so lonely
i wish i had someone to be with
i just want to hold someone and be with and tell me things are gonna be ok fuck man
im actually literally crying right now never before have i desired physical human contact so much
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How do you deal with crippling negative thoughts of inadequacy? Everyday I mentally berate myself with thoughts like "I'm a loser." "I'm a failure" "I'll never be good enough"
In general I have made great improvements and back in the past these thoughts we're definitely true, I definitely was a fucking loser for most of my life but now I'm a lot better but I still have so much more to work on and do better with. I still usually feel like a loser and sometimes make myself cry thinking about how much of a failure I am. I compare myself to other people and see them laugh and smile and be happy with each other and I feel jealous and want it but I think to myself "I'll never have that" "Why can't I be good enough?" and stuff like that and sometimes I cry.
this fucking sucks
i really don't know what to do…
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Hell yeah I can>>477
I don't know if there's any single, definitive way. I guess you should learn to recognize when you're going to have those thoughts, and have some kind of "disruptor." Sing a song in your head, or something like that. I'm not a therapist, tho.
Lately, some things that I've been working on and off of the past six months or so are about to come to an end. I don't know what I want to feel about said events. I do know that in the past when these have happened, I've done enough to satisfy myself with the results and even then, I always know I could have done better. I know it's a really small minded-thing to focus on this as a determinant of my worth, but I think the attitude leading up to it really reflect my worst traits.
I'm lazy, easily distracted, and not dedicated. I've had tons of time and even then I only half-ass it, and that's at the last second too. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm too tired to get anything done, so I'll go to bed." And in the morning, when I wake up, I look at the calendar and tell myself that I have so much time, that I don't need to worry about putting some time in for my own enjoyment because I have time to spare. With every time these events(or even any sort of time crunch passes me by) I am always reminded of what a weak minded, shitty and undeserving person that I am. I don't even deserve the place in life that I have right now. There are people who I know that work far harder than me and yet are still in a worse position. On the flip side, I know that I'll never be able to muster up the dedication to make myself truly great. I listen to how people say that they've put in so much dedication to one thing, and I get motivated for a few days and it just escapes me.
Another thing that really bothers me as well is that I could have put myself in a far better position had I really cared. If I were a better version of myself, more outgoing, more efficient and dedicated, I could easily and confidently say that I deserve this, and more. But I am not that person. I see it in others everyday and my family and friends comment about it, saying I hold X(a close friend) in such high regard that I look up to him in everything. And it's true. I do idolize him, even though he has flaws of his own, I can't seem to be even as half as dedicated or efficient as him. He makes it look easy.
My fears for the future are that I will eventually slip and my shortcomings will be revealed to everyone. Not that they haven't heard me talk about it, but rather they will understand that I truly do not deserve any praise or congratulations.
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Random question: does alcohol make you reveal your true feelings?
Last night I got drunk with a good friend of mine and spent the night at her house. First time for me drinking. i kept saying that i wanted to kiss her and i love her and i was all over her. she liked it but didnt let me kiss her said we should do it when were both sober. she said she always secretly had a crush on me. after i woke up sober i felt unsure. was that the alcohol talking? or do i really do like her deep down inside? how can i know for sure?
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Do you guys enjoy the feeling of hopelessness and sadness? Sometimes it feels so comfy.
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Sometimes, yes. You know what they say, human beings need bitter with the sweet. I guess you start to feel unfulfilled if you're just happy all the time. I love to look at a world map and see how absolutely colossal the planet is. I point to where I am, and then step back slowly until the whole world is in my field of view. I see how small I am, and think about how much of the world I'll never see. All the billions of people that will never know I exist. How all the little problems that make my days miserable aren't worth jack shit on this rock. I think about how miserable other people are, how much tragedy there is in the world. How I can't do anything about it. Children starving, soldiers being manipulated, men living and dying in ignorance. Then I start thinking about how goddamn huge the cosmos is and how none of that tragedy matters either, but I can't do that for too long because it is literally impossible to comprehend. The combined suffering of all of humanity is so fleeting. Existentialism is comfy as fuck if you look at it right.
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I cant let go of the anger, anon. I cant see past my immediate world, Im so angry.
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I can understand that. Sometimes I get mad at a person or sometimes just people in general and I feel like burning the whole world down. Anger, just like sadness and happiness, is just another part of ourselves that we need to accept to feel fulfilled. And if you can't quite get the sense of perspective you feel you need, that's alright. It's ok to get a little self-centered and rage every now and then. I think it's best to feel all emotions in moderation.
However, too much anger can be very painful to hold. You probably don't need me to tell you that. I suppose you could try the opposite of trying to look at the immediate world around you. Look inside yourself, eliminate everything else. Think about how you, personally, got where you are today. I don't mean physical location, or about your success or anything like that. Think about how you got to feel mad. What happened to you? What did you start thinking about? Find the source. And, if it's worth being angry about, then by all means be angry. There's nothing wrong with that.
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I have to go back into work tomorrow & bust my ass for the next few days…I'm not excited about it to be honest.
A lot of the people at work can be real bullies and tend to belittle me because I don't think like they do.
Another thing about it is that it (my workplace) is filled to the brim with married couples or people who are in relationships, beit married or otherwise meanwhile I'm the most single loner in my county…it sucks not gonna lie.
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My hypochondria has reached a point where it's affecting most of my waking hours. I repeatedly obsess over these thoughts, that whatever little thing might be damaging my hearing/cognition/etc. It feels so ridiculous talking about this, the last time I went to a therapist I could barely explain these feelings.
cognitive behavioral therapy could help
you can start yourself by writing down the thoughts you have, and challenge them rationally: is what I'm thinking even true? what is the likelihood of it being true?
the more you do it, the easier it will become and you will be able to challenge your thoughts in your head
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Thanks Anon, I began this process yesterday and it's starting to improve things a bit. I'll have to continue doing this. It's probably flaring up due to the stress I'm currently in (finals and such), can't wait for it to be over and have a break!
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that's great, anon! keep it up, and don't be afraid to see a counselor or therapist if things get difficult.
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I finished college today! I'm glad to be done, I was lonely and generally unhappy here, but I started feeling pretty sad once I realized it would be my last day. I spent a while at dusk just wandering around and looking at everything one last time. Now I'm home typing this and in the morning I'll drive away. I think I'll be much happier in the future, but I guess it's always a bit sad leaving familiar things behind.
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Thank God I'm finally done with this semester. I'm taking the summer off then going back in the fall.
So far I've heard I've knocked out all my classes.
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Congrats Anon! I wish you well in your future endeavours.>>514
Good to hear, enjoy your break :)
As for me, my semester is finished. Went through the hardest units of my uni career, hopefully things will be smooth sailing after this. I don't know why, but I feel very happy today, even in spite of my >>503
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Can someone stoop this low? I'm going full overboard on coping in regards to a lack of love life. I've made a set of IFTTT recipes to go off at certain times of the day to make it look like a girl is texting me, making sure I have a good day at work, how excited she is to see me when I get home, etc.
Next I've begun listening to girlfriend ASMR on youtube…THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING AT YET IT IS…DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!
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Found your problem.
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Everything is out of my reach. Everything that I am is twisted against itself, an ugly mosaic of incompatible parts. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't anything. I am so stupid, ugly, useless, weak, crippled, filthy, diseased, sinful, fallen, depraved… I can't do anything of any value, not even for myself. I hate myself, and I hate everything else since it's all filtered through the lens of myself. My own thoughts and feelings are noxious to me. I don't feel much, but what I do feel is mostly bad. I can't understand even simple things. Almost everything in this world frightens and confuses me. Behind every 'why' is incomprehensible complexity and an arbitrary capriciousness. Everything turns back on itself and denounces it's own foundations. I see monsters hiding behind the bared teeth of things like me. Waking life is a nightmare, the only time I ever feel right is when I dream, but I can't ever hold on to them. No matter what I do they evaporate like morning frost in the light of day. All I can ever remember from the last bits before I wake up is that they are the only place where I don't feel omnipresent sickness, despair, and pain. As if my dreams only exist to make me realize how awful my conscious life is in comparison.
I wish this had never happened. I wish I had never happened. Yet it did, even if I kill myself now I can't erase it. I hate that. That nothing can be done. The problem is intractable, this place is irreparable, this life irredeemable. Why do I even bother whining about it? I don't know. I'm just tired of this, drowning in meaninglessness, in sin & disease and my own wretchedness. I want it to stop, but I've always been too much of a coward. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm saying all this stuff. I just… I don't know.
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Please make it stop hurting. Please make it stop. I don't think I can make it stop. I'm scared, scared it cant be stopped. Please make it stop. Why? Why? Please save me. Please make it stop. God have mercy. Please make it stop. Please, please please pleasepleaseplease. God have mercy.
There is no need to feel sorry. The thread is here for opening up to your emotions. If your post expressed how you felt then that is good. >>529
I hope you don't mind me to give advice. Have you thought about wirting a diary? It can only be a few sentences a day but everyday. You will find, after a week or two, that you start to enjoy this writing.
I hope you don't mind me to give advice. Have you thought about wirting a diary? It can only be a few sentences a day but everyday. You will find, after a week or two, that you start to enjoy this writing.
No, but I have thought about blogging.
I'm tired of NEET-dom but too anxious to take on responsibilities in fear of burning out again. My friends ask questions along the lines of "What are you up to?" Answering with "Nothing…" is ageing like milk. I'm a fucking cow. If stagnancy persists they'll abandon the farm in search of better pastures. Then I'll be a lonely cow. Moo.>>533
On the way back home in one of our last road trips, the sunset pierced through thick billows. I noted it looked particularly tangerine and left it at that. Napped for a bit. They told me it was a fun trip and that we should hike more. I concurred. We paid several toll fees. Argued over a playlist. They won, and then died a few months later.
Since then remembering what they looked like, their voice, who they were and how we were has been almost impossible. If it hadn't been for a video saved in my laptop I would have forgotten everything. Yet details of that memory on the road ring crystal clear: the sun, the clouds, the music and the mileage ticking away, but never the person I shared the moment with.
It's happened a few times over the past year. When revisiting a foreign tourist spot they dragged me to (dunes, sand, an ice cream stand), lying on my back in a public pool (mandatory goggles, laps, butterfly strokes), looking through their old photos (the same pose again and again, to look slimmer, they said). It's not a sad feeling. Bittersweet, maybe, but more surreal tinged with nostalgia and the missing pieces nagging my brain. I've tried writing about it and failed each time. I can't say this is a successful attempt. Maybe it's as close as I get to articulating an incomplete thought.
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Recently in a moment of clarity I realized that I am mentally deteriorating. I don't know if it's early onset dementia or perhaps schizophrenia but my mental state is getting worse and worse. I'm having paranoid thoughts and deranged urges. I can't really remember more than a few hours back, maybe a day if I try hard. I can't see things right anymore they look wrong somehow and when I try to really look at things I feel sick. Nothing seems real, excepting pain, pain feels immediate. My emotions are all odd, I don't feel like I think I should, but I don't know how I should feel. I think I might have to get my affairs in order and find an accessible way to kill myself if this gets worse. Only problem is I don't know if I'm getting worse or not because I can't remember what I used to be like. If I am going crazy, I need to make sure I don't get too far gone to check out. It's a real dilemma.
Though, the really odd thing about all of this is I don't feel alarmed by any of it. I know I should feel something like that, but I don't.
You should seek out a doctor (or possibly a hospital that don't require appointments) as soon as possible.
The sooner you do something the better.
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I've been talking to a girl online for about a month now. I've never felt a closer connection to another person. However, it is so painful to be so physically far apart. Today, I told her that we should 'tone down' our relationship. She felt it coming, but was still heartbroken, of course. I don't feel good about this decision now, but hopefully it will make things easier going foward.
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After overcoming childhood traumas i'd say im doing good and thats all, but after getting a rest from work ive come to notice im nothing out of ordinary and, dare i say, a plain pointless of a person in a world so rich, old and overcrowded. I feel like an ungifted child forgotten by the gods, everybody is conditioned naturally to think they're different because they are protagonizing their own lives, but that's not always true.
All that i could ever do in my lifetime with all my efforts has been done by someone before in this unfavourable age, and the world is conquered. Every patch of land is know and someone owns it, makes me anxious to know i don't have the option to just settle in new land and start my own way because there is no new land nor will i have the right to exist in any without paying tribute to men.
Overcoming pain is not enough in a virtueless existence, to me.
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My behavior is beyond control. I shouldn't even call it mine, it's a bad habit. The body wakes up, lingers around, chew on a piece of stale bread, take a shower, sit on a chair and I can see through its eyes. Now it reads a book, now it looks at pictures… It won't move beyond the house, it doesn't seem to care we're getting dragged to abject poverty. I try to think "I should be doing this", "I should be solving this and that and that". It's useless. The body stretches over the carpet and stares at the ceiling for hours on end. I wait. I wait, there's nothing else to do. I sense the hand that senses the carpet, it's all. Its intelligence is not mine, nor its movements my own. I'm inside an aquarium and the whole day I have my face pressed against the glass, staring the outside. Some times the glass is in one position, another times is in another place entirely different. I never know how big or small space is going to be. A constant guess, a game. I don't mind. People might say "Yes of course, you're a person, a human being. Human Being." They make the same mistake I would make at first. I might have started as a person and the exterior can fool even the most observant but at this point I know better. I am the period at the end of this sentence. Not the sentence, not the words, not the voice reading it or the mind feeling it, but the very signal of an ending. I am an impulse that uses a pair of eyes to look beyond the glass and the thoughts aligning inside the mind are also obviously not mine.
(body too long)
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I have never invented a single word, nor a language, not even an emotion, nor gesture. I don't know who invented all this things but I'm sure many people will be ready to claim all of it for themselves. They never get exhausted, it's intriguing. No no, it wasn't me at all, I barely just arrived you see? I just use whatever comes floating by. The language, the feelings and everything else. I'm so close to being nothing I can almost taste it. It tastes like it's no big deal at all. This strange configuration of life, almost tempted to say it's a dream. I'm dreaming I'm a man though even that dream is not mine. It just happened that I was standing exactly where the dream flew by and my sleeve got caught in some part of its surface. That's all it is, really, it can happen to anyone. It's a little odd however, that I don't remember why I was standing like that, so unaware to the point of getting caught in such an accident. I try to remember it, but I just can't figure it out. If, maybe, I just stay very put and very still I'll be able to figure this out, I'll figure everything out. Another day, it's what I tell myself. I just need one more day to figure things out and I'll be right on my way, wherever that is. I'm sure it must exist somewhere. Maybe I can piece it together with a little more time. Maybe if I have one more day I'll find it. Then I'll know at least where to turn my head to and I'll be able to say "West! East! North! That's where I should turn my head to. Come on, neck, do your job dear friend, we have a direction to face!" I find that very funny. That's how I amuse myself all day long and then it's time to sleep again. How many more days will I have my face pressed against this ocean, how many more thoughts will visit me and go away again? We'll see.
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Sorry for not responding earlier, I didn't think anyone would reply.
I appreciate the concern, but I really can't possibly afford a doctor. It's fine though. Like I said I'm not in any distress. That's more than one can usually hope for in life.