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No.1173
I think some of my 'weird quirks' are actually mild OCD, or at least bordering on mentally unhealthy and not standard deviation. I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I do and If I happened to say, which was rare, hear, or read, the more common causes, it I'd have to chant a phrase in my head to cancel it out. I'd end up in these 2-4 minute loops as a kid just repeating the cancel out phrase over and over.
My main obsessions as a kid-adscolent were health related. I would get a random symptom every half a year and obsess about it, my headache= stroke, bump = fatal tumor, and the only cure was to do something so time consuming I could ignore it or to do a mini ritual.
Those quirks aren't terrible because they consume my time they don't affect my life or come up day to day. Right now I've had a sudden bursts of new quirks that actually affect my life.
As of now I developed the idea, this isn't OCD, but more like concerning level magical thinking/Apophenia, if something goes wrong while getting something, book is hard to get out of the book shelf, I should stop trying to get said thing because if I do something bad will happen in the future, the roadblock in the way of said thing is therefore a warning from the universe. (1/2)
No.1174
>>1173This has caused actual problems were things I want to do have become 'dangerous' due to my paranoia. I came covence my self to over come this paranoid if it's serious or a really want to, but for stuff I'm neutral on I do it automatically or see it as a simple way to cut down on my choices, I'm indecisive.
Next for a week I become paranoid my thoughts could randomly be blasted to everyone, so to be safe I should think good things. I don't believe it anymore, but its sudden onset and borderline schizophrenic logic is concerning. Same with the 'roadblock means drop it' compulsion. Most of my compulsions started at age 6-7, but I'm suddenly developing a ton of new ones.
Before I could ignore my quirks because they were minor and affected my life, but now they're affecting my life and feel like the calm before the storm, most mental illnesses are usually preceded by minor symptoms before a full on break down. I don't know what this rant is for. My problems aren't serious enough for medical intervention, but could become serous later on so I don't know if I should tell my doctor. Even if I did it'd be hard to explain 'I'm paranoid people could read my thoughts" without sounding like I went off the deep end. (2/2)
No.1175
>>1172I feel myself breaking down and falling apart. I feel a constant struggle of different personalities wanting to take over and thinking they know what's best for me. I've been twitching, having extreme cases of OCD where I'll find myself wanting to loop everything that I do if I have one mistake. I've become quite stressed out in my attempts to multitask and doing more in my day to day life. Then I revert back into doing basically nothing. I have no sense of direction or no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The paranoia is growing stronger and the mask is crumbling that keeps me from completely shattering into pieces. I'm sorry that I can't make a better post or be more descriptive, I need practice talking more with others, and posting online again. I've went over a decade without real social interactions and then even withdrew from interacting with others online.
>>1173>I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I doI suffer from that as well. Mostly related to loved ones from my past who have died. I can't say their names anymore. I start to freak out or hyperventilate if I do like as you put it, I start to believe "something bad will happen".
>>1174I feel the same way, one of the reasons why I struggle with being in public is thinking the worst thing will happen and I'll be killed. Or another example, I overthink the worst case scenario with driving a vehicle and struggle with driving. I also have problems with depth perception, so just other issues involved there. I believe I may even struggle from psychomotor retardation. I find it extremely difficult to do things physically in almost all cases.
No.1177
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I suffer from a weird form of 'amnesia' were I can't recall emotions or what lead to them after I recover from them. I can't describe disgust off the top of the hat or anger beyond a few vague things, nausea and heart beating/feeling hot. This is bad because when I get suicidal I can't recall anything that makes me happy at all. Then once I recover from my mini-breakdown I also can't recall why I felt suicidal at all. I can't find something to fix my problem and afterwards I can't figure out what my problem was.
Like yesterday I was sad, had nothing I could recall that made me happy, and had specific plan to kill myself, but now I can't recall what I was sad about. I have a few vague clues, but they don't provoke that emotional reaction.
my emotions are so vague I've started thinking of abusing drugs during my breakdowns. Like the pain is so unbearable I want to do something stupid like become addicted to drugs because it'll be a quick fix. I had a plan to pick of my drug of choice and everything too, but looking back it was something dumb I thought of while sad.
I swing between happy and sad unable to balance the 2 making bad decisions on each side
No.1182
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Here stood a boy uncaring of the world,
there stood a girl angry at the world,
somewhere running through a cable of systematic emotion.
Will it reach the girl's artificial heart?
When the day comes,
I want to convey the "me",
that has hidden in "you".
