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I think some of my 'weird quirks' are actually mild OCD, or at least bordering on mentally unhealthy and not standard deviation. I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I do and If I happened to say, which was rare, hear, or read, the more common causes, it I'd have to chant a phrase in my head to cancel it out. I'd end up in these 2-4 minute loops as a kid just repeating the cancel out phrase over and over.
My main obsessions as a kid-adscolent were health related. I would get a random symptom every half a year and obsess about it, my headache= stroke, bump = fatal tumor, and the only cure was to do something so time consuming I could ignore it or to do a mini ritual.
Those quirks aren't terrible because they consume my time they don't affect my life or come up day to day. Right now I've had a sudden bursts of new quirks that actually affect my life.
As of now I developed the idea, this isn't OCD, but more like concerning level magical thinking/Apophenia, if something goes wrong while getting something, book is hard to get out of the book shelf, I should stop trying to get said thing because if I do something bad will happen in the future, the roadblock in the way of said thing is therefore a warning from the universe. (1/2)
This has caused actual problems were things I want to do have become 'dangerous' due to my paranoia. I came covence my self to over come this paranoid if it's serious or a really want to, but for stuff I'm neutral on I do it automatically or see it as a simple way to cut down on my choices, I'm indecisive.
Next for a week I become paranoid my thoughts could randomly be blasted to everyone, so to be safe I should think good things. I don't believe it anymore, but its sudden onset and borderline schizophrenic logic is concerning. Same with the 'roadblock means drop it' compulsion. Most of my compulsions started at age 6-7, but I'm suddenly developing a ton of new ones.
Before I could ignore my quirks because they were minor and affected my life, but now they're affecting my life and feel like the calm before the storm, most mental illnesses are usually preceded by minor symptoms before a full on break down. I don't know what this rant is for. My problems aren't serious enough for medical intervention, but could become serous later on so I don't know if I should tell my doctor. Even if I did it'd be hard to explain 'I'm paranoid people could read my thoughts" without sounding like I went off the deep end. (2/2)
I feel myself breaking down and falling apart. I feel a constant struggle of different personalities wanting to take over and thinking they know what's best for me. I've been twitching, having extreme cases of OCD where I'll find myself wanting to loop everything that I do if I have one mistake. I've become quite stressed out in my attempts to multitask and doing more in my day to day life. Then I revert back into doing basically nothing. I have no sense of direction or no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The paranoia is growing stronger and the mask is crumbling that keeps me from completely shattering into pieces. I'm sorry that I can't make a better post or be more descriptive, I need practice talking more with others, and posting online again. I've went over a decade without real social interactions and then even withdrew from interacting with others online.>>1173>I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I do
I suffer from that as well. Mostly related to loved ones from my past who have died. I can't say their names anymore. I start to freak out or hyperventilate if I do like as you put it, I start to believe "something bad will happen".>>1174
I feel the same way, one of the reasons why I struggle with being in public is thinking the worst thing will happen and I'll be killed. Or another example, I overthink the worst case scenario with driving a vehicle and struggle with driving. I also have problems with depth perception, so just other issues involved there. I believe I may even struggle from psychomotor retardation. I find it extremely difficult to do things physically in almost all cases.
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I suffer from a weird form of 'amnesia' were I can't recall emotions or what lead to them after I recover from them. I can't describe disgust off the top of the hat or anger beyond a few vague things, nausea and heart beating/feeling hot. This is bad because when I get suicidal I can't recall anything that makes me happy at all. Then once I recover from my mini-breakdown I also can't recall why I felt suicidal at all. I can't find something to fix my problem and afterwards I can't figure out what my problem was.
Like yesterday I was sad, had nothing I could recall that made me happy, and had specific plan to kill myself, but now I can't recall what I was sad about. I have a few vague clues, but they don't provoke that emotional reaction.
my emotions are so vague I've started thinking of abusing drugs during my breakdowns. Like the pain is so unbearable I want to do something stupid like become addicted to drugs because it'll be a quick fix. I had a plan to pick of my drug of choice and everything too, but looking back it was something dumb I thought of while sad.
I swing between happy and sad unable to balance the 2 making bad decisions on each side
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Here stood a boy uncaring of the world,
there stood a girl angry at the world,
somewhere running through a cable of systematic emotion.
Will it reach the girl's artificial heart?
When the day comes,
I want to convey the "me",
that has hidden in "you".
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I reactivated my Instagram recently.
After therapy and stuff, I thought that I would finally be able to face my digital simulacrum again and not get lost in it.
More importantly, I wanted to socialize with friends whose lives I had disappeared from.
But as soon as I got back on "regular people social media," I remembered how much I hated it.
There's too much information noise.
You can try to fight it by blocking all the irrelevant things that get slipped into your feed by the algorithm.
But you can't win that way. It always manages to break down your will until you slip into the dopamine cycle of scroooooooolling.
I've only been back a week and already I feel burnt out.
I don't want to keep disappearing and coming back, because I want to stop neglecting my friends.
But I don't know how to do that when people my age prefer these platforms over texting.
Somehow they're able to use social media without falling into the same traps I do.
Or if they do, they aren't as hyper-aware of it as I am.
The ordeal has made me think about how little I understand how people socialize.
I thought my complete lack of social media was hurting my connection to others, but even now that I'm back, I don't fit in.
Maybe its because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, or maybe its Hedgehog's Dilemma, I don't know.
I'm just very frustrated at not understanding the social aspect of people.
I know some of it is anxiety - I hesitate to engage with people because I don't want to be perceived as cringe.
I'm working on that aspect with my therapist.
But there's got to be something else that makes me such an outsider,
And I don't know if I'll ever correct that.
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i think very few people are aware of the trappings of social media. most people are blissfully ignorant of the motivation/reward system in our antiquated mammalian brains, and genuinely think they love their phones at their own will.
don't worry: it's not just you. part of the charm of 'socializing' has always been its unpredictable and chaotic nature; meeting interesting people is interesting because they make you think. nowadays, to do anything 'out of line' of the mainstream social norms is viewed as an inconvenience and authenticity is often discouraged in favor of stock personalities that anyone can easily recognize and pin-down - no thinking required.
I feel very lonely recently. I was at my lowest last month, I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't bring myself to eat and I felt like dying every day. I was in tears and in an immense amount of emotional agony, I don't think I've ever felt that much pain before. I was praying and crying and praying again, and it worked sometimes, the nights became easier but I'd still wake up every morning crying and shaking from nightmares and dreams of people who used to love me but no longer do.
The anxiety and dread of having to leave my home and move somewhere else, when I've never slept away from my mom, was too painful for me to deal with. I just felt like everything was lost, and I'm a very optimistic person generally. I would never ever consider ending my life, not again, yet the pain I felt made me consider it only to cause me more pain, because I could never do that to my loved ones.
Now I'm starting to feel better, I'm talking to my friends again, I'm more open and I'm trying to meet more people, I'm trying to forget how lonely I truly feel deep down. I'm leaving messages on random corners of the internet hoping someone will read one and think "hey, I could be friends with this person". I'm not miserable anymore. The mornings are still hard, incredibly hard, and I still wake up crying some days, but its gotten much better, and I pray it will keep getting better. Every day is a gift, and every soul is worth knowing and loving. This is how I see people. I hope one day I can be seen this way too. I will wait forever
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I wrote my CV today and unless you really took a close look you wouldn't notice that I had two years of depression where I did little to nothing. This summer I will do my first internship and make some moneys.
I got scared for the future. I don't know anything about getting jobs or where to look for them. Probably will end up as a wageslave but whatever. Right now I'm just happy that when it comes out I'll be able to afford a Miko plush.
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Cut toxic people out of your life the second you notice something off because if you don't you'll be "super close", aka everyone left the second they learned how weird they are and now that they've found someone to dumb to black after one day they're clinging on to dear life, and you know they'll go full psycho if you tell them to "fuck off". Oh yeah they're to socially brain dead to know 5 ignored texts is a "please leave me alone"
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Oh yeah I was warned to cut them off by a friend who's straight up sociopath, some how less weird than the weirdo, and I feel so dumb for not listening to them.
Got the position. It couldn't have gone better honestly.
Getting to talk with two of the veteran devs who do the job applications really fired me up and I started working on a private project. I actually feel like contributing so I want to do my best beforehand.
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doublepost but the fumo is as good as mine now. No need to fear lack of money.
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I pray that you find somebody better and treat you better as well.
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things are getting better. only about a year left of school before i can transfer to get my bachelors. have enough savings that i don't need to work until then. been taking nice long walks, enjoying nature. slowly but surely selling off 95% of my belongings before i have to leave. it's sort of solemn, but also freeing. even if things don't work out, at least i know each day i'm actively planning to make life better for my future-self.
"I'll be dead by 30. lol."
- Me at 18, 17, 16…
"I'll be dead by 30. lol"
- Me now
I'm pretty close to achieving my goals I set for myself as a kid. I've done the things that were bothering me as a kid. Finished most of the games I never was able to do, achieved most of my academic goals that I thought I would never be able to accomplish, and actually got a job in my field for about a month. If I'm able to get another job, regardless, I'll have completed everything me as a kid though I would never have done. I didn't have much faith in myself, so it's nothing special. I'm not talking about getting an advanced degree. Just things that I never would have thought I could achieved. Thanks to the support system I have, of course. I feel like a bit of a fraud compared to others, but in retrospect, those ideas and philosophy system is my enemy.