/bm/ - Body & Mind

I think some of my 'weird quirks' are actually mild OCD, or at least bordering on mentally unhealthy and not standard deviation. I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I do and If I happened to say, which was rare, hear, or read, the more common causes, it I'd have to chant a phrase in my head to cancel it out. I'd end up in these 2-4 minute loops as a kid just repeating the cancel out phrase over and over.
My main obsessions as a kid-adscolent were health related. I would get a random symptom every half a year and obsess about it, my headache= stroke, bump = fatal tumor, and the only cure was to do something so time consuming I could ignore it or to do a mini ritual.
Those quirks aren't terrible because they consume my time they don't affect my life or come up day to day. Right now I've had a sudden bursts of new quirks that actually affect my life.
As of now I developed the idea, this isn't OCD, but more like concerning level magical thinking/Apophenia, if something goes wrong while getting something, book is hard to get out of the book shelf, I should stop trying to get said thing because if I do something bad will happen in the future, the roadblock in the way of said thing is therefore a warning from the universe. (1/2)

>>1173
This has caused actual problems were things I want to do have become 'dangerous' due to my paranoia. I came covence my self to over come this paranoid if it's serious or a really want to, but for stuff I'm neutral on I do it automatically or see it as a simple way to cut down on my choices, I'm indecisive.
Next for a week I become paranoid my thoughts could randomly be blasted to everyone, so to be safe I should think good things. I don't believe it anymore, but its sudden onset and borderline schizophrenic logic is concerning. Same with the 'roadblock means drop it' compulsion. Most of my compulsions started at age 6-7, but I'm suddenly developing a ton of new ones.
Before I could ignore my quirks because they were minor and affected my life, but now they're affecting my life and feel like the calm before the storm, most mental illnesses are usually preceded by minor symptoms before a full on break down. I don't know what this rant is for. My problems aren't serious enough for medical intervention, but could become serous later on so I don't know if I should tell my doctor. Even if I did it'd be hard to explain 'I'm paranoid people could read my thoughts" without sounding like I went off the deep end. (2/2)

>>1172
I feel myself breaking down and falling apart. I feel a constant struggle of different personalities wanting to take over and thinking they know what's best for me. I've been twitching, having extreme cases of OCD where I'll find myself wanting to loop everything that I do if I have one mistake. I've become quite stressed out in my attempts to multitask and doing more in my day to day life. Then I revert back into doing basically nothing. I have no sense of direction or no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The paranoia is growing stronger and the mask is crumbling that keeps me from completely shattering into pieces. I'm sorry that I can't make a better post or be more descriptive, I need practice talking more with others, and posting online again. I've went over a decade without real social interactions and then even withdrew from interacting with others online.

>>1173
>I have words I refuse to say or read because "something bad will happen" if I do
I suffer from that as well. Mostly related to loved ones from my past who have died. I can't say their names anymore. I start to freak out or hyperventilate if I do like as you put it, I start to believe "something bad will happen".
>>1174
I feel the same way, one of the reasons why I struggle with being in public is thinking the worst thing will happen and I'll be killed. Or another example, I overthink the worst case scenario with driving a vehicle and struggle with driving. I also have problems with depth perception, so just other issues involved there. I believe I may even struggle from psychomotor retardation. I find it extremely difficult to do things physically in almost all cases.

I suffer from a weird form of 'amnesia' were I can't recall emotions or what lead to them after I recover from them. I can't describe disgust off the top of the hat or anger beyond a few vague things, nausea and heart beating/feeling hot. This is bad because when I get suicidal I can't recall anything that makes me happy at all. Then once I recover from my mini-breakdown I also can't recall why I felt suicidal at all. I can't find something to fix my problem and afterwards I can't figure out what my problem was.
Like yesterday I was sad, had nothing I could recall that made me happy, and had specific plan to kill myself, but now I can't recall what I was sad about. I have a few vague clues, but they don't provoke that emotional reaction.
my emotions are so vague I've started thinking of abusing drugs during my breakdowns. Like the pain is so unbearable I want to do something stupid like become addicted to drugs because it'll be a quick fix. I had a plan to pick of my drug of choice and everything too, but looking back it was something dumb I thought of while sad.
I swing between happy and sad unable to balance the 2 making bad decisions on each side

Now that I have more friends I get involved in inter-personal 'drama' more often. Nothing serous really. Just people unsure what to do and telling me.
Right now this guy I know talked to his friend group and made a serious commitment to break up with his gf is their issues don't get resolved, which means 80% of them breaking up, by mid December. Feels awkward talking to his girlfriend now because I know their relationship is bust

Here stood a boy uncaring of the world,

there stood a girl angry at the world,

somewhere running through a cable of systematic emotion.

Will it reach the girl's artificial heart?

When the day comes,

I want to convey the "me",

that has hidden in "you".

Ever since I returned to an old job, I've developed a very bad drinking problem. Sometimes drinking throughout the day when I don't have to be at work. Getting to drink when I get home is the highlight of my days, and I eagerly await for the time to come all morning long. I used to never feel 'hungover' but lately it makes it hard to function in the mornings. I bought a nice new camera a few weeks ago and now it just sits collecting dust. I am just barely able to study on my mornings off and retain information anymore. My dependence on nicotine is also growing. When I wasn't drinking the past year or two, I was instead very reliant on daily kratom and occasionally some dissociative designer drugs shipped over from china. I miss the days of being a neet and downing bottles of cough syrup every couple weeks.

I took shrooms again.
I don't know why but with all the hype about it in the news triggered me so I thought "well why not" maybe this time it will cure my depression.

Nope.
Spent the last six hours re-realizing how much I hate myself and how eternally fucked I am.

Stupid cunt, should have known

>>1186
set and setting, anon. you should have changed environment / music / lighting after a while.

I reactivated my Instagram recently.

After therapy and stuff, I thought that I would finally be able to face my digital simulacrum again and not get lost in it.
More importantly, I wanted to socialize with friends whose lives I had disappeared from.

But as soon as I got back on "regular people social media," I remembered how much I hated it.

There's too much information noise.
You can try to fight it by blocking all the irrelevant things that get slipped into your feed by the algorithm.
But you can't win that way. It always manages to break down your will until you slip into the dopamine cycle of scroooooooolling.
I've only been back a week and already I feel burnt out.

I don't want to keep disappearing and coming back, because I want to stop neglecting my friends.
But I don't know how to do that when people my age prefer these platforms over texting.
Somehow they're able to use social media without falling into the same traps I do.
Or if they do, they aren't as hyper-aware of it as I am.

The ordeal has made me think about how little I understand how people socialize.
I thought my complete lack of social media was hurting my connection to others, but even now that I'm back, I don't fit in.
Maybe its because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, or maybe its Hedgehog's Dilemma, I don't know.
I'm just very frustrated at not understanding the social aspect of people.

I know some of it is anxiety - I hesitate to engage with people because I don't want to be perceived as cringe.
I'm working on that aspect with my therapist.
But there's got to be something else that makes me such an outsider,
And I don't know if I'll ever correct that.

>>1191
i think very few people are aware of the trappings of social media. most people are blissfully ignorant of the motivation/reward system in our antiquated mammalian brains, and genuinely think they love their phones at their own will.
don't worry: it's not just you. part of the charm of 'socializing' has always been its unpredictable and chaotic nature; meeting interesting people is interesting because they make you think. nowadays, to do anything 'out of line' of the mainstream social norms is viewed as an inconvenience and authenticity is often discouraged in favor of stock personalities that anyone can easily recognize and pin-down - no thinking required.

I'm getting worse every single day. I hate myself for my lack of skills, for all the mistakes I made and my inability to function. I can't handle life and break down every few days. I waste my time with my head full of self loathing. I achieve nothing. All i have are shortcomings.

I went to a therapist once which helped. He told me of a book which I purchased and read. I'm trying to practice it but it's incredibly hard and I don't manage. I fail and I fail and I fail and I fail more, I don't want that to happen anymore. I'd rather be dead than to fail.

I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too scared of the pain.

I feel very lonely recently. I was at my lowest last month, I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't bring myself to eat and I felt like dying every day. I was in tears and in an immense amount of emotional agony, I don't think I've ever felt that much pain before. I was praying and crying and praying again, and it worked sometimes, the nights became easier but I'd still wake up every morning crying and shaking from nightmares and dreams of people who used to love me but no longer do.
The anxiety and dread of having to leave my home and move somewhere else, when I've never slept away from my mom, was too painful for me to deal with. I just felt like everything was lost, and I'm a very optimistic person generally. I would never ever consider ending my life, not again, yet the pain I felt made me consider it only to cause me more pain, because I could never do that to my loved ones.
Now I'm starting to feel better, I'm talking to my friends again, I'm more open and I'm trying to meet more people, I'm trying to forget how lonely I truly feel deep down. I'm leaving messages on random corners of the internet hoping someone will read one and think "hey, I could be friends with this person". I'm not miserable anymore. The mornings are still hard, incredibly hard, and I still wake up crying some days, but its gotten much better, and I pray it will keep getting better. Every day is a gift, and every soul is worth knowing and loving. This is how I see people. I hope one day I can be seen this way too. I will wait forever

My dad made his coming out as gay a few months ago so my parents are splitting up right now, the family dog died last week and my grandmother is in the hospital, yet I'm a few hours of driving away, living my life and going to college like nothing has ever happened.

I feel like such a scam for not being here to support my parents (especially my mother) but I don't know why, whatever I do either my mind will drift away and I'll just be here entertaining myself without thinking about anything or I can't open up to them and make sure my parents are okay. Obviously I'm here when they ask me to but I always was (and still am, for the most part) in my own world, only thinking about whatever my mind currently deems worthy of my full focus, I can't bring myself to check on them.

But hey, at least I'm happy. Most of the time.

I wrote my CV today and unless you really took a close look you wouldn't notice that I had two years of depression where I did little to nothing. This summer I will do my first internship and make some moneys.

I got scared for the future. I don't know anything about getting jobs or where to look for them. Probably will end up as a wageslave but whatever. Right now I'm just happy that when it comes out I'll be able to afford a Miko plush.

Cut toxic people out of your life the second you notice something off because if you don't you'll be "super close", aka everyone left the second they learned how weird they are and now that they've found someone to dumb to black after one day they're clinging on to dear life, and you know they'll go full psycho if you tell them to "fuck off". Oh yeah they're to socially brain dead to know 5 ignored texts is a "please leave me alone"

>>1212
Oh yeah I was warned to cut them off by a friend who's straight up sociopath, some how less weird than the weirdo, and I feel so dumb for not listening to them.

>>1209
Got the position. It couldn't have gone better honestly.
Getting to talk with two of the veteran devs who do the job applications really fired me up and I started working on a private project. I actually feel like contributing so I want to do my best beforehand.

>>1218
doublepost but the fumo is as good as mine now. No need to fear lack of money.

>>1212

I keep having to learn this the hard way, because I feel the need to cling to people like this due to not having much of any friends. I recently cut off a toxic friend that I noticed started acting more creepy around me the closer I was getting to them. They would stand too close and stare when talking to me, felt the need to follow me all the way to my destination when talking together - whether that be the front of my apartment room when we walk back from school (We live only two blocks apart!) or my class, create awkward silences, overshare about their sex life. I wouldn't be surprised if I made people even less willing to talk to me by being around them. I know at least one friend I introduced this person to started feeling uncomfortable herself when that person once again felt the need to bring up who they had slept with..while we were eating and in a very public place. That friend doesn't seem like she's really wanted to talk to me, since.

>>1220
I pray that you find somebody better and treat you better as well.

things are getting better. only about a year left of school before i can transfer to get my bachelors. have enough savings that i don't need to work until then. been taking nice long walks, enjoying nature. slowly but surely selling off 95% of my belongings before i have to leave. it's sort of solemn, but also freeing. even if things don't work out, at least i know each day i'm actively planning to make life better for my future-self.

Promising myself cigarettes for doing work actually pays off. I never "rewarded" myself yet but the illusion of there being one gets me going.

1/2

"I'll be dead by 30. lol."
- Me at 18, 17, 16…

"I'll be dead by 30. lol"
- Me now

I'm pretty close to achieving my goals I set for myself as a kid. I've done the things that were bothering me as a kid. Finished most of the games I never was able to do, achieved most of my academic goals that I thought I would never be able to accomplish, and actually got a job in my field for about a month. If I'm able to get another job, regardless, I'll have completed everything me as a kid though I would never have done. I didn't have much faith in myself, so it's nothing special. I'm not talking about getting an advanced degree. Just things that I never would have thought I could achieved. Thanks to the support system I have, of course. I feel like a bit of a fraud compared to others, but in retrospect, those ideas and philosophy system is my enemy.

2/2

I've grown tired of the internet. Things aren't that funny any more. I can hardly laugh at anything. I don't like reading, and I don't like movies or television. It's hard to even watch my favorite show. Learning is something I prize, but I just don't have the passion to learn. I think school has driven that out of me. I'm further becoming more hostile to the United States and its fun antics. Definitely not the most friendly country out there towards others. The CIA could probably be called a terrorist organization for what mettling it's done in other countries. I don't particularly want to talk about it though.

I am not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, actually. Mostly in free time, probably. Nothing's really interesting any more. I'm more waiting to see what's going to happen than what I'll be doing. Hopefully I can waste enough time to see Dwarf Fortress blossom into a beautiful woman. In the meantime, I guess, I'll force myself to watch more movies and maybe read some books. I don't really like books, but classic movies were pretty memorable and fun in a way.