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No. 1168

Well, so to keep it short I'm feeling like I've missed out on my teens, which I fear will make my adulthood worse than it normally should be. Let me explain in a long rant.

basically all my teenage years I had to deal with anxiety disorder. Which if you want to study or socialize, you can imagine how fucking annoying that is if you feel shortness of breath, chest pain, feeling like you're about to piss your pants, etc. So essentially every day felt a bit like surivival that sucked dry much of "youthfullness" I might have had.

Furthermore I had, and still do, have issues with people. In the past I saw everyone as being above me in every way. As if I was from a different planet and essentially felt like I needed to protect myself from them cause one wrong move and they would be out to get me. So in essence I don't trust people. I've lost the idea that people are above me though, because how pathethic I may be, I've also realized that lot of people have also extremely petty reasons for insecurity and what not, so i've realized I'm not doing all that bad on that front. But still, I just can't imagine trusting people. It just seems so alien to me to be friends. I never had friends for what is now like 8 years.
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No.1169

So finally, I feel like that has left a mark on me and will make me even more different as time goes on. Because people had their teenage years. They had friends, had careless fun at parties, got into relationships. I've essentially just learned to hold myself together and I just feel different. Others have youth in them, energy, passion. While I as time went one essentially became more and more apathethic, with mostly bad emotions buried beneath the surface that come out if something reminds me of this and I start questioning if I missed out. The positive thing I guess from this is that I've learned to have determination, to be thoughful and have discipiline, but I still feel wrong. These things can be aquired at any time. What I missed on I have only few years left to (partly) do.

Also I don't have any place to even gain these experiences. High school ended, and my college has nothing. I just basically walk in, work on my laptop for few hours, and return home. There's nothing exciting to even do there, nothing happens. I just don't know what to do really. Should I go to a therapist with this, or is this something that I have to figure out on my own?
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No.1170

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>>1168
if you can afford it, therapy is always not a bad idea to at least try.

but what you're feeling, like your youth has been cut short, i can guarantee you almost everyone on the planet feels to some degree. also: teenage/college parties are a lot more hellish than you are probably romanticizing them to be. a lot of kids getting way too drunk and high, some overdosing mixing booze with pills, a lot of unwanted sex with intoxicated people, it's really kind of awful.if I were you, I would focus my therapy more on encouraging socialization, they will help you figure out ways to ease up to it and fight cognitive distortions you have regarding meeting new people.

if you focus your therapy on this feeling of 'missing you' you are likely to never get anywhere fruitful - that feeling of a 'missing' piece of ourselves somewhere out in the world is pretty much just the instinct that gets us to meet people and not die alone. there are a lot of opportunities now more than ever to meet people through the internet, find small niches you enjoy and talk to other people interested in them. i'm not really one for bars or 'normal' spots to socialize i can really relate to feeling cut off in that regard. but there are millions of people out there just as eager to socialize as you are, and probably a lot of them coming from a similar place of struggle with anxiety.

No.1176

>>1170
Hey, OP here. While some things still are bad, I managed to get a big chunk of the issues out of myself by searching around, reading stuff about it and thinking about it. One of the issues I had with myself was that I internalized that there's something wrong with me, which made me feel bad because every time someone showed me any reaction that wasn't positive, (although I read every positive reaction as someone trying to trick me anyway) I felt it was because of something being off about me. And I had this since I was very young because I used to be someone who would be easy to get bullied for few reasons and my explanation for that there was just something wrong with me. But the thing is that even if that would be true, I would be ignored. Not hated. If you see someone as below you, you ignore them. You don't attack them with passion. You do that when you need to feel better about yourself. I realized that and I felt years of trauma disappear at once. I wasn't hated because there was something wrong with me, I was hated because petty and mentally weak people used me to feel better about themselves. I felt like I was born anew for few days after I realized that. that feeling passed away by now, but what remained is a feeling of fortitude. I just can't no longer be hurt by remarks about myself. I feel I'm above that and it really feels freeing. Hopefully I'll get to heal my mind more with time, but I felt like sharing this.



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