i really don't know what to do…
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Hell yeah I can>>477
I don't know if there's any single, definitive way. I guess you should learn to recognize when you're going to have those thoughts, and have some kind of "disruptor." Sing a song in your head, or something like that. I'm not a therapist, tho.
Lately, some things that I've been working on and off of the past six months or so are about to come to an end. I don't know what I want to feel about said events. I do know that in the past when these have happened, I've done enough to satisfy myself with the results and even then, I always know I could have done better. I know it's a really small minded-thing to focus on this as a determinant of my worth, but I think the attitude leading up to it really reflect my worst traits.
I'm lazy, easily distracted, and not dedicated. I've had tons of time and even then I only half-ass it, and that's at the last second too. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm too tired to get anything done, so I'll go to bed." And in the morning, when I wake up, I look at the calendar and tell myself that I have so much time, that I don't need to worry about putting some time in for my own enjoyment because I have time to spare. With every time these events(or even any sort of time crunch passes me by) I am always reminded of what a weak minded, shitty and undeserving person that I am. I don't even deserve the place in life that I have right now. There are people who I know that work far harder than me and yet are still in a worse position. On the flip side, I know that I'll never be able to muster up the dedication to make myself truly great. I listen to how people say that they've put in so much dedication to one thing, and I get motivated for a few days and it just escapes me.
Another thing that really bothers me as well is that I could have put myself in a far better position had I really cared. If I were a better version of myself, more outgoing, more efficient and dedicated, I could easily and confidently say that I deserve this, and more. But I am not that person. I see it in others everyday and my family and friends comment about it, saying I hold X(a close friend) in such high regard that I look up to him in everything. And it's true. I do idolize him, even though he has flaws of his own, I can't seem to be even as half as dedicated or efficient as him. He makes it look easy.
My fears for the future are that I will eventually slip and my shortcomings will be revealed to everyone. Not that they haven't heard me talk about it, but rather they will understand that I truly do not deserve any praise or congratulations.