/bm/ - Body & Mind

>>884
Anon, your support almost make me tear up, but I don't think I deserve so much support from you, in the end I'm still a capable human been, my life hasn't been particularly hard, but I got into the Hikkikomori life-style for the same reasons most of the people get into that life-style, and my 'recovery' has been going if not well, at least decent.

In the end I'm just probably just another socially inept lazy scum (that's how I've been called), but hey, thanks for your support Anon, it really meant a lot to me, even if we are just strangers.

I hope your life is doing ok too, I'll cheer up for you too.
See you next year.



Thanks for listening, this be my last update for this year.
/blog

Not a hikki quite yet, but I am definitely a NEET, complete with SSI. I don't believe I'll ever fully be able to work because my public school teachers were so emotionally abusive that they purposely docked my grades. I can't even drive. I don't pay attention well enough.

I genuinely want to become better and live a life outside of being a NEET. It's my dream to open a little store where I sell handmade goods. No idea if I'll ever achieve it, but it's a nice thought to cling to when life gets rough.

I've rarely been a full hikki, since I would still be forced by my family to go to school or occasionally shopping, but I would become one on breaks and holidays. The closest I got to being a full one I suppose is 2 years ago when I lived away from home for the first time and spiraled into the worst depressive episode I've ever had. I stopped going to any of my classes through the middle of the semester and ate every single meal in bed. Essentially I only got up to shower and use the bathroom.

I think some bad life events that meant I would ultimately have to drop out of school if I continued being a hikki, such as my father refusing to support me financially at all anymore and my grandmother getting cancer (My mother decided to sell our house and leave the country to go care for her), made me start being more active in trying to get myself out of that lifestyle. I started self-studying Japanese, after having taken it for 4 years in high school, and it became a huge passion that I absorbed myself in learning all-day long. This was very important because up until then I don't think I had ever had a single thing in my life that I had been remotely passionate or disciplined enough to keep working at. I believe getting the discipline from that slowly started seeping improvements into other areas of my life, which is why the advice I always like to give now is to find a passion. It may sound like a tired cliche, but I do think it is extremely important to find some area or subject that you will do anything to get good at, so to speak. It can serve as a small light in your darkest tunnel.

Recovering hiki here. I managed to get out of that lifestyle for awhile, but when the pandemic hit online classes and WFH job made me start relapsing. The most I've been going out is for grocery shopping once a week, but I started doing some stretches at home and now I'm trying to take a walk. It's calming and helps keep me active. I would say start small with basic at home stretches like I did, and that may start motivating you to go outside soon, as well.

>>1094
the pandemic's lockdown order wreaked hell on so many people struggling emotionally/psychologically. im proud of your efforts, anon! do your best.

so — pain, that even narcotics for 2 years cant cure (also, with books, retard RTS games, cinema). i tell my family member something that make she drink too much antistress. and she tell 'you will be hate yourself when i die and will remember me'. hah, i do. my … died. drink a lot of зверобой and valeriane extracts.
and also friend of myne who is 63 years old real former KGB worker (not just agent; real fucken soviet КГБ) dead next after — he tell me that going to father in Balkany (that is Serbia-Kosovo-Montenegro). aha, yes… his surname is Serbin. he say by esope fable-words 'im gonna die and go to fathers". he send to me mine (from previous wurk) envelope/paper-postbag with id. that mean… nothing?

after we: i and my crush being separated by tragic situation of missconfidence, missunderstanding and sort of she love person whom loved before and have little human child, i go off because want to her real happines, then i visionaired the future of mind of her and do not want make pain or something. so i go off.
also, my father drop me down by bathtube perimeter with back of the head (MRI scan and neural cocktor says that no shit happens, but my eudeitic memory fade away for 10 month! and wery slow goes to superpowah state.
because father is old veteran who drink a lot now (now, at i know, he stop).
also i now have gray hair on the head sides ('bakes'?).

and so much dissappointings in life. but i want see bright future with half of planet people darvin-eated.
when i was a child i have wery strong emotions. also, i grown up in sort of panoptikon, where my grandpa wath all my doings, then father, then cameras because nyfb.
everything i do is nothing that make me feel hard bright feels. even narcotics do not make mind-pain low. but im not stupid junkie, i read a lot (if this stereotipe is warm) and smart… by my way.
my life is so many regrets. but i can not say 'oh, so bad'. i say dont give a fuck, because thickskin mind.

now i have only self control. will power? yes, and no in same time.
i think about going to war (in UA we have hybrid war with RU-affiliated separatists at this time, sort of paused; if i go, i maybe go for hardcore death, because i feel bad mind state everyday; social darvinism for fuck sake in inversed reality), because some of my old IRL friends in there.
so now you can say 'there in dc of ukraine some retard whom/who is worse than mine <<<uh-oh sensitiveness>>>. be proud of your salt in eyes, because it makes you human shit at all.
inb4: i speak with doctors and medics about something, but not about all shit. etifoxinum, lol. just tranquility. so fuck you and stop your overreaction of brain. 'you' (neural networks in head) can controll all if want even eye lens and ear hi-voice muscle. you can being what you want. i can not.

>reply to 10/06/20
>i know. just want say something for one time at year.

i write this hatescream because dont sleep for 30 hours because of headache-migraine. this is from stress, not from vascular constriction like when drink to hard coffe or because other stuff. many hard things need to do. it cost brain oxidative stress for not sleep long.

Not to pry OP, but have you grown up in a household where you regularly heard yelling and/or were the primary target of it? I have been like you for the longest time, and grew up in such a household so I think that may be one of the reasons. Even now, I can't stand any kind of yelling and it frightens me to the point I want to hide and cover my ears like a child.

I'm also over-sensitive because I've had very severe social anxiety since elementary school. Bullies would say something remotely cold and rude, which would make me full out sob. (My mother constantly made me like that from her verbal abuse too, hence my suspicion that it has much to do with my home environment ) They would then wonder why I was crying and make fun of me for said crying, too.

I've only stood up for myself a handful of times, but in the rare times I did, I took away the lesson that you need to overcome the feeling of sounding or seeming like an asshole when you do. Because you are already over-sensitive, you will feel like one no matter how you stand up for yourself. You'll still be tempted to just make yourself the problem, not the person who made you cry. Of course, there are ways of "standing up" for yourself that really will make you look like an asshole or even crazy, but I doubt you will use those ways, especially if you're still very much controlled by what others think of you. Just remember any such feelings are mostly in your head. If you want people to stop letting people mess with you, getting over them is the first step.

>>1093
as someone with similar experiences concerning bullying and family fighting this is super solid advice op

>>1074
i just got 13 hours last night lets go

>>1082
LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO!!

>>1082
>>1083
Oversleeping is also a sign of depression or a sleep disorder if it occurs regularly. Just something for other anons to keep in mind since we're talking about all around sleep health.

>>1084
Oh sorry, all I meant was I’m happy for them since I thought they were the sleep deprived anon.

>>1085
a comedy of errors, in three parts

Its okay anons

>>1075
are you new to chans? its kinda outside the culture to go by a name if you are

>>1076

I think you left your name on

>>1077
Oh, really? I kinda liked having my name on lol. Is it gonna be problematic for me in the future if I leave it? Also yes, I’m new

>>1079
Traditionally, anonimity is supposed to allow people to focus on the quality of posts, rather than the reputaiton of the poster themselves. On less /comfy/ chans, you might get harassed because a name makes you stick out from the crowd.

>>1080
ah, okay, thanks. i might start leaving it off then. hope i didnt cause too much trouble

I kinda regret making this post I'm sorry

>>1009
I don't really cope, I end up repeating myself or my daily routine 4-5 times as if I mess up once I have to start all over again. It really bothers me and stresses me out at times.

I dunno if this can possibly help you, but I too have to have to perfectly complete my routine, but what I do when I mess up, is I do everything backwards—literally—until I'm back at a state where I know everything before it was in order. For example, If I put toothpaste on my toothbrush before rinsing it, I suck the toothpaste back into the tube and then rinse the toothbrush, then put the toothpaste back on the toothbrush. It's really gross, but over all it's better than doing the whole routine over. I've also made that specific mistake only extremely rarely after I started using the backtracking trick. It's like a personal `undo.'
Another thing is I modularized my routine into self-contained subroutines, so that if I mess up, and I need to start over, I can start over at the start of the subroutine that I messed up.

i got put on a mood stabilizer and it helped me, i still get the urges but i take it less badly when I can't follow up on them

i have ocd too! heres some misc advice
-ignore what the other people say, therapy and medicine can help and is a perfectly valid way to receive help. their pessimistic viewpoints wont help you at all.
-if you can resist the compulsion for thirty minutes you can sometimes bypass it entirely. start with small resistances and set timers, or when it comes time to preform the action make a mistake in doing so
-if you compulsively wash your hands like I do, try using bar soap instead of liquid (better for hands) and use lotions/vaseline for roughness
-trying to raise your self love can help you to respect your own triggers
-dont fight the intrusive thoughts, simply let them be. write them down and burn em or scribble over it or whatever. but don't give the thought power by fighting it or arguing with it, simply acknowledge it and let it dissipate with time
I hope things get better.
lots of love,
dyna

>>1066
I always instantly regret talking to someone and sharing any details about myself. I struggle really hard to attempt to be social as I was many years ago. Things are a lot different in life then they were before. I have this raging desire to do more as well as be more. I probably come off as awkward but at this point I'm trying to put myself in more uncomfortable situations. I need to learn how to split my personal life in the real world and then have my own through my "digital" one. I also need to make sure to remind myself that is okay. I don't have to be just one side of myself at all times. We as human beings are very complex and sometimes the conversations we have we'll say things we regret. I'm going to try to start taking that as a lesson to learn. If I notice something off with what I say or go through that pain of regret after I walk away from talking to someone. I'm going to try to work on myself to practice harder for the next time. It may be kind of terrible to say but I think I'm going to begin to practice lying somewhat as well. Nothing major, just little small lies or random off-topic stuff for small talk.
1/2

>>1066
Which has always been my weak-point in most casual settings. I have a bad habit of wanting to share more then I need to in attempts to feel closer to someone in person as well. I don't connect well with others but for some reason I've been able to get some people that has come and gone throughout my life to treat me like some sort of priest who they have confessed great as well as terrible things to. Granted that was more common many years ago when I was more stable than I am today. I hope to be able to regain a lot of who I was that I have lost throughout the years with all of the hardships and pain I have greatly suffered. Sorry if it seems as if I'm just rambling but if you want to take any pointers from my post and try to apply them yourself maybe it could help. Either way, good luck OP.
2/2

looks like a benis…

That ending situation possibly could have ended up worse and brought slight paranoia to me. Overall, the day was about attempting my goal of trying to get out of the house to focus on self-improvements one day at a time. The only other comments I have to make about the day is I don't see how people honestly work 8 hours a day while wearing a mask, I'm glad we didn't stay in locations very long as I was already suffocating after 15-25 minutes of wearing my mask. I'm not sure what I plan on doing next, I guess I'll try to visit or reach out to other family while also possibly working on some physical routine. Maybe even try cleaning up a little bit around the house. I'm not sure what to do about work yet as I'm still not yet ready to take that leap. But it's hard to not feel stressed out with everything going on when you don't have a source of income and my girlfriend has already been as patient with me as she has. Sorry for the long blogpost, hope everyone else is well, and doing what they can to make it through their personal ordeals. (Post 6)

Sorry that I had to split >>989 >>990 >>991 >>992 >>993 >>994 into six parts, didn't realize that the post limit size was what it was on here. It's been a while since I've been on here and thought I'd return once and a while. Another goal that I've been trying to achive is to communicate with others after a long period of isolation from any type of networking whatsoever. I'm trying to get the hang of honestly, just living again.

I continued with getting out of the house again today. This time I didn't really go anywhere in public, just got picked up and visited with my grandma for a couple of hours. Played with the dog a little bit even though I eventually started to get annoyed with it. Then ate dinner with her, helped back up some files for her onto laptop, and came home. The visit went okay, she ended up getting me a new pair of shoes which I needed while she was out earlier in the day. Once I got home, I felt somewhat motivated to do a small bit of house work. I changed the filter in the house, did some laundry, and took out the trash. My goal of self-improvement is still running it's course for two days in a row. I'm hoping I don't lose focus and start to slump back into my depression as well as become unmotivated to do anything again. Coming on here and posting about it as well as the "deeds" section is nice. I've thought on possibly making a blog or working on a small webpage. I just really don't want to throw an actual "personality" with it but maybe go by a pseudonym. I don't want a lot of attention towards me or my actual identity. Maybe just some way to keep somewhat an online diary of sorts of my day to day life with various topics. Of course at this time, it's just a mere thought.

I focused more on my mental health today by having a couple of self induced pep talks. Followed with some minimal straightening up around the house, such as throwing some stuff away and making the bed. Then I ate some dinner and tried some meditation. I wanted to keep myself calm as I started to feel some anxiety throughout the early parts of the day. It seemed to help for the most part. I'm going to try to find something different to take care of throughout the night hours. I might just relax and watch a movie, I'm not entirely sure yet.

This makes me sad because I used to set goals with my girlfriend every day. We'd wake up in the morning, greet each other with a goodmorning, and list our goals for the day. It was great.

Now, though, she's really been having difficulty with her depression, and I want her to be the best she can but it's so hard having to be emotionally there for her all the time and still try to do my own things. I feel like I'm getting bogged down and it sucks because I think she is such a wonderful person who doesn't deserve to feel such pain.

I'm a big believer that what you believe is reflected in what you do, but I really am torn as to what to do. I love her so much, but I'm tired and what I do is only a bandage on what the underlying issues are. She's been too busy to see a therapist and therapy in the past hasn't been too good for her. I'm sorry if this doesn't fit in, but I just wish someone out there could hear me and not think poorly on her. I wish I could be stronger for her.

>>1025
see a doctor

>>1027
I second this.

Meditation could help, OP. It usually helps those feeling lost.

>>1025
2 things. Get a good site blocker that can't be removed (I recommend cold turkey). Block every slacking site, even educational ones like youtube, for a certain time block and slowly increase it.

Next try to deconstruct why you're not doing work. Often it's a feeling of shame, so learn to forgive yourself, or an overwhelming feeling, break the task down than. If it's adhd you should look into the methods they use to start tasks

Again if it's ADHD I'd look into starting medication or taking an off the counter stimulant, coffee, to start building those good habits and then weening off.

Finally what helped me if repeating that starting an assignment or going without social media wont kill me

>>1025
go walk or take the bus as far as you can and get lost for a little while

>>1025
I'm also stuck in a hellish void of doing literally nothing but staying in an "imageboard loop" where I just go from imageboard to imageboard then I'll masturbate. Fix something to eat or some coffee. Might watch an episode of an anime or a 30-60 minute documentary. Then repeat until I go to bed at the crack of dawn just to repeat again each and everyday. I've been like this for at least 5 years straight now.