/bm/ - Body & Mind

Now that I have more friends I get involved in inter-personal 'drama' more often. Nothing serous really. Just people unsure what to do and telling me.
Right now this guy I know talked to his friend group and made a serious commitment to break up with his gf is their issues don't get resolved, which means 80% of them breaking up, by mid December. Feels awkward talking to his girlfriend now because I know their relationship is bust

Here stood a boy uncaring of the world,

there stood a girl angry at the world,

somewhere running through a cable of systematic emotion.

Will it reach the girl's artificial heart?

When the day comes,

I want to convey the "me",

that has hidden in "you".

Ever since I returned to an old job, I've developed a very bad drinking problem. Sometimes drinking throughout the day when I don't have to be at work. Getting to drink when I get home is the highlight of my days, and I eagerly await for the time to come all morning long. I used to never feel 'hungover' but lately it makes it hard to function in the mornings. I bought a nice new camera a few weeks ago and now it just sits collecting dust. I am just barely able to study on my mornings off and retain information anymore. My dependence on nicotine is also growing. When I wasn't drinking the past year or two, I was instead very reliant on daily kratom and occasionally some dissociative designer drugs shipped over from china. I miss the days of being a neet and downing bottles of cough syrup every couple weeks.

I took shrooms again.
I don't know why but with all the hype about it in the news triggered me so I thought "well why not" maybe this time it will cure my depression.

Nope.
Spent the last six hours re-realizing how much I hate myself and how eternally fucked I am.

Stupid cunt, should have known

>>1186
set and setting, anon. you should have changed environment / music / lighting after a while.

Now for a little update on my life!

I'm doing decent for myself. I actually managed to get some really good job offers out of nowhere, but sadly my inability to drive meant I couldn't take them. Now I'm working for a medium sized delivery company that is partnered with a furniture company instead. It's a very low level position, but at $15 an hour and decent management I really can't complain. It's a pretty easy job and while I'm not too fond of some of my coworkers I'm getting along fine. I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful for the future right now, honestly.

As for some more personal stuff: what drove me to attempt suicide in BCT was some family stuff that's now been resolved and, for the big reveal, secretly being a trans girl. The latter definitely contributed more to what I was feeling back then and my continual trial and error with just ignoring it had some disastrous consequences. Now, before the Petersonians which inhabit this board come try to tell me how to live my life, I'm really just trying to figure stuff out right now. I'm trying to learn who I am, as dumb as that is, and I'm doing that as independently as I can. I don't need you to shill out my future to me, that's how I got into the military in the first place.

Don't worry, overall, though. I don't look back on the military with any fondness anymore. I just let the brain worms my First Sergeant gave me and the disappointment of my family for failing eat at me for a little while. I've learned some shit and built some character from the military. I'm moving on now. It's been a very formative month for me since making the OP and I look forward to many more like it.

>>1165
I see I struck a nerve. Enlisting out of desperation to get away from whatever is the last resort for men just like prostitution is for women. There are plenty of smart prostitutes especially the escorts.

>>1178
Pedophile

>>1178
Why do gross people like you use this website only to try and ruin the vibe of it?

I'm back for my monthlyish check in. I'm just loving life right now. I mean, my job is ass but it pays well and I'm not super invested into it. I just do what I've gotta do and do it well then leave. With any luck I'll get to move into the supervisor position or at least get some decent raises here soon. Home life is as meh as ever. Slightly bad rn but I'm sure things will look up a little more here soon. I've started transitioning and have been on hormones for about 10 days now and I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in that regard. I'm saving up money to get my own car now. To be honest, that's about all there is to say.

>>1166
I've recently noticed lots of trans people are actually in the military. It surprised me. I heard it's because there is a lot of overcompensating?

>>1181
How much do hormones even cost anyway? I'm probably trans but I don't want to take risk missing my very specific career goals so I'll probably never transition. It's probably just gonna be porn and fantasies for me….Good for you for figuring out who you are earlier though.

So finally, I feel like that has left a mark on me and will make me even more different as time goes on. Because people had their teenage years. They had friends, had careless fun at parties, got into relationships. I've essentially just learned to hold myself together and I just feel different. Others have youth in them, energy, passion. While I as time went one essentially became more and more apathethic, with mostly bad emotions buried beneath the surface that come out if something reminds me of this and I start questioning if I missed out. The positive thing I guess from this is that I've learned to have determination, to be thoughful and have discipiline, but I still feel wrong. These things can be aquired at any time. What I missed on I have only few years left to (partly) do.

Also I don't have any place to even gain these experiences. High school ended, and my college has nothing. I just basically walk in, work on my laptop for few hours, and return home. There's nothing exciting to even do there, nothing happens. I just don't know what to do really. Should I go to a therapist with this, or is this something that I have to figure out on my own?
[2/2]

>>1168
if you can afford it, therapy is always not a bad idea to at least try.

but what you're feeling, like your youth has been cut short, i can guarantee you almost everyone on the planet feels to some degree. also: teenage/college parties are a lot more hellish than you are probably romanticizing them to be. a lot of kids getting way too drunk and high, some overdosing mixing booze with pills, a lot of unwanted sex with intoxicated people, it's really kind of awful.if I were you, I would focus my therapy more on encouraging socialization, they will help you figure out ways to ease up to it and fight cognitive distortions you have regarding meeting new people.

if you focus your therapy on this feeling of 'missing you' you are likely to never get anywhere fruitful - that feeling of a 'missing' piece of ourselves somewhere out in the world is pretty much just the instinct that gets us to meet people and not die alone. there are a lot of opportunities now more than ever to meet people through the internet, find small niches you enjoy and talk to other people interested in them. i'm not really one for bars or 'normal' spots to socialize i can really relate to feeling cut off in that regard. but there are millions of people out there just as eager to socialize as you are, and probably a lot of them coming from a similar place of struggle with anxiety.

>>1170
Hey, OP here. While some things still are bad, I managed to get a big chunk of the issues out of myself by searching around, reading stuff about it and thinking about it. One of the issues I had with myself was that I internalized that there's something wrong with me, which made me feel bad because every time someone showed me any reaction that wasn't positive, (although I read every positive reaction as someone trying to trick me anyway) I felt it was because of something being off about me. And I had this since I was very young because I used to be someone who would be easy to get bullied for few reasons and my explanation for that there was just something wrong with me. But the thing is that even if that would be true, I would be ignored. Not hated. If you see someone as below you, you ignore them. You don't attack them with passion. You do that when you need to feel better about yourself. I realized that and I felt years of trauma disappear at once. I wasn't hated because there was something wrong with me, I was hated because petty and mentally weak people used me to feel better about themselves. I felt like I was born anew for few days after I realized that. that feeling passed away by now, but what remained is a feeling of fortitude. I just can't no longer be hurt by remarks about myself. I feel I'm above that and it really feels freeing. Hopefully I'll get to heal my mind more with time, but I felt like sharing this.

>>1156
>What do you think women do?
So men are women now?

>>1157
>>1160
You're both arguing with me, but what was your reason for going no fap in the first place? Porn/unhealthy fapping rots your brain and if you see women in your life as sexual objects, it's going to fuck with your day to day.

If you can imagine a realistic image of someone you know, I'm sure you have the capability to imagine a fake person too.

>>1161
porn doesn't 'rot your brain' you puritan. most people can have fantasies of people in their life while maintaining objective reality. obviously the best way to mitigate both problems is to get a real dedicated sexual and emotional partner.

>>1162
Having someone to satisfy your emotional and sexual needs does not stop porn from ruining your life. There's many people who continue watching porn after marriage and end up getting divorced because they start preferring porn and the high they get from fapping over their wife and either refuse sex entirely or begin cheating on their wives with someone who is more similar to the pornstars they watch or more willing to reenact what they see in porn. I disagree with >>1161 that masturbating to women you know is somehow worse than porn since imagination doesn't carry the same influence as visuals do but porn does rot your brain and has ruined many marriages due to people being unable to separate what they watch from what they have in real life.

>>1163
sounds like beta men who didn't want more than sex from the relationship in the first place. men will cheat on women whether they are watching porn or not, just seems to be a convenient scapegoat instead of holding the men accountable. i love porn and i've never had a problem staying loyal to the women i've been with. if anything the women i've been with have always been into way kinkier shit than me. really depends upon the man and the context more than the material itself. just like drugs, booze, just like anything, it's more complicated than blaming an evil scapegoat boogeyman.

>>663
Mushrooms are easy to grow from spores. In most places the spores themselves are legal, even where they aren't the chances of getting caught are slim. I recently bought some from thesporedepot anonymously using bitcoin. Look up PFtek for more info on an easy way to culture them at home. LSD is a bit harder to get now that the market is flooded with more dangerous, but easier to manufacture analogs and similcra. Last I checked only a few people per continent still made and sold it. Unfortunately I can't say who is still in the game today, and lots of the darknet markets have gone dead recently. So I can't help on that front.

That said, don't get your hopes up too much. Psychedelics are kinda overhyped. In trials for depression nearly as many show deterioration in condition after use as show improvement. Personally after tripping on LSD I only became more sure that I should kill myself. Just putting it out there because you ought to know the risks going in.

>>663
>>665
It's important to be in a safe environment when you do it, and the best trip is inward - darkness and silence. Do not fight the experience, surrender to it, observe it. It won't last forever. If you go into it safely and excited to see what it has to offer, like you seem to be, it should go smoothly.

>>663
That's not a good idea

>>663
Realistically shrooms wont cure anything. They aren't an access to ayyliens, the demiurge, or anything else. At best it allows you to get in touch with your subconscious, at worse you open up a worm can you cant close. There are much safer ways to access your subconscious, see Jung's works. You wont be able to fix any issues that appear during psyches without knowing what to look for. If you're doing it for fun feel free, but take it slow and keep a benzo or two on hand if shit gets a bit too heavy to handle.

>>665
I am planning on growing mushrooms here soon for my very first time. Probably will try to do so a few times a year for personal use only. I've heard the rumors that you described about LSD along with other market drugs as well. There's a few that I personally want to try out but have been quite hesitant.

>Personally after tripping on LSD I only became more sure that I should kill myself
Do you only suffer from depression?

>>1109
a very good philosophy!

>>1109
This is more or less how I feel too. Admittedly it took spending my entire teens and early 20's depressed but I got there in the end. Sadly I don't know how to help depressed people other than assuring them that it can get better. Hang in there guys <3

>>1115
I will, anon.

Every relationship is transient. I've had an awful reminder of that recently with someone who left, although frankly speaking I'd rather never see him again. Childish in retrospect but although the conversation was childish it meant enough to me.
Maybe it's my fault that I ended up this way. I keep every single person at arm's length and never bother starting conversations myself, and all of my efforts to otherwise branch out and be more social have always simply ended with my voice getting caught in my throat. Those series where angels come down on people and offer unconditional love must've been made for people like me. The kind of people in real life who'd do that are always people who just want to hoist themselves on you and make you pledge alligeance to them.
Maybe I should just stop looking for friends. That's been the reocurring theme for me this past year. Looking for friends. And everywhere I turn, it's someone trying to choke me into being their personal little bitch. They're like wannabe cult leaders. There's solace in the lonliness, and no matter how my life goes, it'll end in lonliness anyways. I'm never going to end up having kids, and may never end up having a wife either. It's more than likely the fault of my own personal philosophies that I end up this way, I'm sure others have a far easier time making anything resembling a relationship.
I had more to say but apparently there's an incredibly stringent character limit on this site.

>>>1115
Thank you for this post, it does give me some hope. I am currently 24, 25 soon, and I have been depressed since 13. Sometimes it improved, sometimes it worsened. Anyway, any tips how to fight depression?
>>1109
I try to be like that but I honestly don't know how. I would like to do things, but I don't even know what. At least I started to take care of my health, appreciate being healthy and going outside to enjoy some sunshine and fresh air. I started exercising too.
>>1118
I would be interested in reading more of it. I miss having friends and yet I crave silence and solitude. Haibane Renmei is a great show, I love it. Always happy seeing people talking about it.

Good luck underage-kun.

It doesn't get easier.

>>1129
if you keep waiting for things you get better or 'normal' you're going to die having not done anything. find solace in something you can do, now. or the days you lay waiting will pass you by before you realize.

>>1123
reach out to people

>>1124

What do you mean by reach out? Professional help isn't an option because I can't financially afford it, and people at my school have been nearly impossible to become friends with - even when I completely put myself out there and try being involved in things like clubs.

>>1125
between all people there is mutual suffering and mutual joy, we are all humans after all, no matter how divided we may feel, we all fear and hurt and love and cry. keep trying to meet people half-way because there is literally nothing else to do with life

>>263
Not going to pretend like it's perfect solution to everything, but I keep myself going with three things.

First is to simply have no nothing done days. Unless you are sick or something, you can always do something in a day no matter how big or small. Never allow yourself a day of nothing unless you have a good reason to.

Secondly is that if you like for instance art, but you don't know how to draw well, remember that in months or years from now you will be in the same position. But if you drag yourself now next time you won't be as clueless to drawing as you were before and you will be able to do more and get closer to your goal.

thirdly is just to try doing something for 15 minutes. If it doesn't work, fine. Just leave it be. But I can assure you that the more you do this, the easier that 15 minutes will become and today's 30 minutes will become today's 15.

Is there anything you want to do specifically?